Venting Anger.

[disappearingquietly]

I used to be such an angry person. Particularly as a kid. I would snap so damn easily. My anger was a like a boulder, being held back by a thread- cringy analogy, but the point stands. As a teen, I became extremely quiet. Never really interacted with anyone. When interacted with, would feel boiling rage inside me. I used to scratch my face so hard that skin would sometimes come off, all in the name of anger. I would scream a lot, too. Growl. Hiss, even- not like an animal, but still a hiss. I would scratch and cut myself, just to feel some physical pain, to take away some emotional pain. It never worked, but I kept doing it. I would starve myself. Not to lose weight, I had always been skinny. It was to punish myself for existing and wasting resources. I'm tempted to restart that habit. Now as an adult, the anger still resides. Still strong. At least I'm a little better at controlling it. What completely pisses me off is the fact that this wasn't developed. I've always been a piece of shit with constant anger. This shit is in my DNA. It's coded into me. It isn't as bad now, but that fluctuates.

 

[nobob]

I am the opposite. I am completely unable to feel anger. I don't have it in me, even when I should be angry at people bullying me, I feel sad instead.

 

[disappearingquietly]

I am the opposite. I am completely unable to feel anger. I don't have it in me, even when I should be angry at people bullying me, I feel sad instead.

You don't deserve to be bullied. Nobody does. If I may ask, did you develop the inability to feel anger? Or has it been present since childhood?

 

[nobob]

You don't deserve to be bullied. Nobody does. If I may ask, did you develop the inability to feel anger? Or has it been present since childhood?

I think I've been under so much pressure, and that anger does not help me. I don't know.

I think that when people mistreat others they hurt themselves, because they turn it into a habit, and eventually they do the same harm to people they care about. That's how I cope with it, I guess. When doctors or medical staff harass me, I think about how they will turn that into a habit, and eventually do the same to their loved ones, or that they will teach abuse by example to their close friends and family.

Perhaps I am passively aggressive, in that I allow people to be abusive to me, when I can take it, because I know it will hurt them in the end, and I just brush it off that way. But I do feel bad for those people. It hurts them more in the end, to be abusive, than it really hurts me, I think.

 

[divinemistress36]

I have a lot of anger too and have a hard time controlling it. Rage consumes me. Its a trauma response

 

[Yarani]

I used to be such an angry person. Particularly as a kid. I would snap so damn easily. My anger was a like a boulder, being held back by a thread- cringy analogy, but the point stands. As a teen, I became extremely quiet. Never really interacted with anyone. When interacted with, would feel boiling rage inside me. I used to scratch my face so hard that skin would sometimes come off, all in the name of anger. I would scream a lot, too. Growl. Hiss, even- not like an animal, but still a hiss. I would scratch and cut myself, just to feel some physical pain, to take away some emotional pain. It never worked, but I kept doing it. I would starve myself. Not to lose weight, I had always been skinny. It was to punish myself for existing and wasting resources. I'm tempted to restart that habit. Now as an adult, the anger still resides. Still strong. At least I'm a little better at controlling it. What completely pisses me off is the fact that this wasn't developed. I've always been a piece of shit with constant anger. This shit is in my DNA. It's coded into me. It isn't as bad now, but that fluctuates.

I have doubts about that level of anger being genetic. Feeling like you have to punish yourself, that you are not valuable, those are all developed things. Sure, could be consequences of uncontrollable anger. But like I said, I doubt it. Am open for other explanations, but don't find the genetics one to be likely. A child is not usually gonna hurt themselves like that without there being something wrong in their life. You probably had a reason for that anger and were not able to direct it at its source. And stuff like that ingrains itself deeply into the mind, can follow you into adulthood. Don't know you, but it would be a probable mechanism. What @divinemistress36 said. Doesn't come from just nowhere in any case.

 

[disappearingquietly]

I have doubts about that level of anger being genetic. Feeling like you have to punish yourself, that you are not valuable, those are all developed things. Sure, could be consequences of uncontrollable anger. But like I said, I doubt it. Am open for other explanations, but don't find the genetics one to be likely. A child is not usually gonna hurt themselves like that without there being something wrong in their life. You probably had a reason for that anger and were not able to direct it at its source. And stuff like that ingrains itself deeply into the mind, can follow you into adulthood. Don't know you, but it would be a probable mechanism. What @divinemistress36 said. Doesn't come from just nowhere in any case.

I've just realised that I've left out something crucial- well, it may be, I'm not exactly sure. I was diagnosed with autism a year back, when I was 18. I don't necessarily believe that autism covers the whole load, but I believe it has a factor. I was an asshole as a kid, but my teen years were when it really started gaining some speed- for added information, events during my teen years did lead to increased anger. Sorry for my very messy thread. I have a very disorganised mind, and I only focus on parts that occur to me, without providing reasoning as to why.

 

[Yarani]

I've just realised that I've left out something crucial- well, it may be, I'm not exactly sure. I was diagnosed with autism a year back, when I was 18. I don't necessarily believe that autism covers the whole load, but I believe it has a factor. I was an asshole as a kid, but my teen years were when it really started gaining some speed- for added information, events during my teen years did lead to increased anger. Sorry for my very messy thread. I have a very disorganised mind, and I only focus on parts that occur to me, without providing reasoning as to why.

Just this right now makes me think it could partly be a demonstration of what was happening. Maybe you felt misunderstood, maybe you were treated wrongly as a consequence. Both things would make me angry, too, if they kept happening. Maybe being autistic also meant that you misunderstood the others as well. Another frustration. Just some thoughts. Like I said, I don't know you, but often it's not just simple genetics.

 

[sugarb]

I've just realised that I've left out something crucial- well, it may be, I'm not exactly sure. I was diagnosed with autism a year back, when I was 18. I don't necessarily believe that autism covers the whole load, but I believe it has a factor. I was an asshole as a kid, but my teen years were when it really started gaining some speed- for added information, events during my teen years did lead to increased anger. Sorry for my very messy thread. I have a very disorganised mind, and I only focus on parts that occur to me, without providing reasoning as to why.

No worries about the messiness.

I'm also autistic and was diagnosed as a kid but like you I only found out about a year ago when I was 18 during an IEP meeting.

When I was in early elementary I had meltdowns, got into fights. But for most of my life after I just rarely if ever got angry. I'm not sure if I was suppressing or if I just didn't care. The last few months I've been getting angry over small things, though.

Whenever I get angry I listen to music and/or write; might work for you to. I hope you feel better eventually.

 

[disappearingquietly]

When I was in early elementary I had meltdowns, got into fights. But for most of my life after I just rarely if ever got angry. I'm not sure if I was suppressing or if I just didn't care. The last few months I've been getting angry over small things, though.

I used to be an aggressive kid too. Thinking back about things I did, I always feel embarrassed. It's strange.