Discussion Anger. Hatred. Or both?

[Imaginos]

Does anyone else struggle with issues of anger? Perhaps even hatred? For me, decades of living a miserable life has made me a very hateful person. I hate no one in particular, but I very much hate the world, and I do very much hate people in general. I'm a misanthrope to my bones, I'm afraid. People can be shot, stabbed, run over, or maimed. I really don't care. I won't deny I'm a very deformed individual, because I suppose I am. Having to have endured what I have endured has led me to this woeful position I now occupy. My soul, assuming it exists, and assuming I even had one to begin with, is a tattered and torn piece of cloth, while my heart is a cold rocky planetoid of jagged ice.

When push comes to shove and these corrosive feelings start to well up, I can't help, but give in to them. This passionate hatred of normals for everything that they are and all the stupid bullshit that they believe. It seems likely that I always will, frankly. No one has the right to judge me for feeling this hatred. No one. And yeah, you know what? I hate people for reasons that go far beyond their inability to honor or respect the wishes of the suicidal. FAR FUCKING MORE! Damn this world, and damn the masses of human garbage I have to share it with! They prance about in the light (whether outside or in their homes) without a single god damned care, while I've lurked in the darkness alone and in agony for as far back as I can remember. And to think they'd have the gaul TO THEN BLAME ME for being hateful! FUCK YOU! You try living and being born into an existence of perpetual misery and darkness. Let's see if you're not hateful and bitter by the end of it, you fucks!

Just, fuck it all. I'm so god damned tired. I've been condemned to a life where I was doomed to end up as the bad guy, the asshole, the lowly cretin that everyone spits on and pities. The only thing I can think of is why? Why fucking me? GOD DAMN IT! WHY? It's not fair. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this. FUCK! God damn it, it's not fair. Death is the only thing, the only fucking thing that can redeem any of this. It's the only thing that ever could. Unfortunately, death honestly couldn't even appear as a relief to me now. The damage....is....DONE! It's.....TOO....LATE! If only I'd gotten fucking run over as a kid, but nope. Had to grow up to be the useless sack of hateful shit that I am now! That just had to happen apparently! Just look at all the good it did me! My entire existence has been a cruel and wretchedly shitty joke. One that sometimes I even meet, seeing the tragic comedy of it all, with the most bitterly dry and dismal laughter you can imagine. The bitterest of laughter, in place of the bitterest of tears.

And here's a song that sums the whole thing up for me quite well.



I've got a problem
A problem with hate
I can't go on dragging this weight
A cold steel hand that won't let go
Acid-filled thoughts out of control

I built myself a nice little cage
With bars of anger and a lock of rage
I can't help asking Who's got the key?
When I know damned well! It's me!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I struggle with anger and hatred too. I am always mad at myself the most but I also have so much hate for anyone who's perfectly happy or who's in a relationship. The things that happened to me five years ago also made me into a racist (not for the usual races for people to be racist against so calm down) and there are days where the only way I can get by is by imagining every drop of blood for every member of this race to be spilt. I used to be so calm and patient towards everyone now I lash out at my family and friends over every little thing because I know they can't help me and they continually try to rub their success in my face.

Part of why I need to CTB is because I'm pretty certain that if allowed to continue to live I will definitely hurt people and cause more suffering until my rage is quelled.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

My hatred and indifference toward others comes from my loneliness and maternal abandonment, no doubt. I know that it's a strange reaction since it gets me farther away from getting my needs met. I was angry and unstable when I ate the demonic pills, even went berserk a couple of times. Now I'm way less angry but the core of hatred will persist until I get insane enough to truly believe in my imaginary girlfriend's existence.

 

[Makko]

My hatred and indifference toward others comes from my loneliness and maternal abandonment, no doubt. I know that it's a strange reaction since it gets me farther away from getting my needs met. I was angry and unstable when I ate the demonic pills, even went berserk a couple of times. Now I'm way less angry but the core of hatred will persist until I get insane enough to truly believe in my imaginary girlfriend's existence.

The insanity is your hope, then. Either you should be successful in reality or you should be successful in fantasy. Both bring their own kinds of happiness. Being stuck in the middle and failing in both is the worst possible deal.

 

[Imaginos]

I used to be so calm and patient towards everyone now I lash out at my family and friends over every little thing because I know they can't help me

Yep, same here. I too used to be a largely calm individual. I mean, sure, I had my moments where I'd lose my cool every now and again in the past, but that was mostly just a result of experiencing immediate and visceral levels of stress. Hatred and DEEP levels of anger, though? That's a relatively new development. To this day, I'm not one to usually lash out at others, but I'd be lying if I said it never happens. Hell, it just happened the other night when my mother kept subtly accusing me of driving away any potential friendships I could make online on account of my being too relentlessly negative. For the record, I don't think I'm that negative. Either way, I won't censor my feelings. If people find my negativity nauseating or off-putting, well....fuck'em basically. I wouldn't want to talk to them anyway. In some sense, I'm actually glad I don't know anyone else in my life, since it's likely they'd only be a possible recipient of my nasty disposition and the random moods swings I oscillate around and am at the whims of. Where's the use in putting up a front and pretending to be something you're not? Talk about self-defeating. No, I'd rather own my shitty traits and if doing so leaves me all alone forever, well, so be it then. I can't help being what I am.

Anyway, like yourself, I'm sometimes worried about where these feelings of hatred might lead me someday. They've been with me for a fair number of years now and they don't appear to be going away, I can tell you that much. However, I'm not sure if I have the balls to ever go truly berserk in a way that might hurt random strangers. I certainly fantasize about it sometimes, but, the harsh truth is that I just ain't got the backbone for that sort of breakneck, beyond any redemption kind of madness. I'm a weakling who can barely put one foot outside his own house for fuck's sake. I'd say that eliminates the possibility altogether, for all time, so anyone out there who might accuse me of being some deranged homicidal maniac in the making can settle themselves the hell down. Believe it or not, but I sincerely don't want to hurt anybody. I really don't. I never have and I never will. Believe it or not, but it actually goes against my own principles. And, unlike the VAST majority, my principles actually mean something. Yes, I'm plagued with feelings of universal hatred, but it's pretty hard not to living a life like mine, while also living on an infinitely disgusting planet like this.

It bears repeating, that these feelings begin and end within my own head. I don't like people and, truthfully, I probably never will. This extends to every race, every walk of life, and every "sinner" or "saint" amongst us. True misanthropy doesn't discriminate and neither do I. It holds that all people are worthy of contempt, all peoples/races are exactly what they so often prove themselves to be (almost always for the worse), no one is innocent and everyone ought to get what's coming to them. And yeah, I'll get mine too. It'd just be nice if everyone else did as well.

Now I'm way less angry but the core of hatred will persist until I get insane enough to truly believe in my imaginary girlfriend's existence.

Reminds of me of that "tulpa" thing I've sometimes heard about. I assume you're probably aware of it. Personally, I could never fool myself into believing in something that wasn't there. Hell, even as a kid, when you're supposed to be at peak imagination, I could never buy into playing pretend. I think, for me, I'll probably have to settle with a daki or a life sized doll, or something. Assuming I get desperate enough to go that route. It's pretty difficult to imagine that anything could be a substitute for another's love, but I guess that's just it. It never will be. I'll just have to make do with a glorified smiley face on a pillow sheet and, what I'm sure to most people would be, and are, surprisingly humble and not asking for a lot, type fantasies inside my own head.

I'll admit that I can get carried away inside my own head at times. Where I'll be in the center of an affectionate fantasy, daydreaming away, until I'll just suddenly blink and of course realize I'm just a sad sack of shit sitting all alone in his darkened room, unwanted by everyone for reasons that I couldn't much blame them for. Assuming anyone even knew me to begin with and there was a solitary soul who was aware of my existence, that is. Either way, it really sucks. Hearing unwanted voices in my head from personal waifus telling me that it's okay and that they love me and that I'm not a bad person, or that they still think my life is worth something, can spontaneously drive me to quietly sobbing into my hands, cradling my trembling head. It doesn't happen everyday, but it happens often enough to be a recurring source of profound sorrow for me.

The insanity is your hope, then. Either you should be successful in reality or you should be successful in fantasy. Both bring their own kinds of happiness. Being stuck in the middle and failing in both is the worst possible deal.

Yes, I agree completely. To be caught in between, in the negative zone between spaces, is the worst curse there is and brings with it the most heinous torture of all. At least those who are fully insane can get some amount of life satisfaction as a result of their propensity for life-like fantasy and delusion. If you don't have that and you also don't have the capacity to live a normal, or at least somewhat decent life, then you're simply fucked in the truest sense of the word. There's is nothing you can do, but suffer. Nothing will ever make itself known to you. Nothing and no one will ever save you from yourself, nor will you ever be capable of doing so through other means. You're doomed to loneliness and misery, with no way out from them possible. Save for death, of course. Even that is denied you, assuming one lacks the nerve/courage for suicide. In such an event, not until entropy and the reaper comes calling will the freedom of death be finally available. Until then, I'm at the mercy of ceaseless agony. My entire existence is nothing, but dead ends.

 

[262653]

I'm not sure if I can tell the difference between anger and hatred right now. Let's call it a strongly negative disposition towards some parts of myself. The part that wants to live at all costs, no matter what. It's also a source of immense power. Disowning it leaves me weak. On the other hand, I feel too bitter and resentful to accept it.

 

[TooConscious]

Society is orchestrated to make everyone hateful and angry so we're too busy fighting over a loaf of bread whilst the elite scum set off with the cargo supply ship.

 

[Imaginos]

Society is orchestrated to make everyone hateful and angry so we're too busy fighting over a loaf of bread whilst the elite scum set off with the cargo supply ship.

Yes, this is certainly true. It might be so that this has influenced my own lousy disposition, but honestly, I think I'm just naturally of a bitter temperament. Even if the world was a shining utopia, I'd probably still experience these kinds of negative feelings, on account of the fact that life itself is deeply upsetting to me, which on its own leads to a lot of generalized anger/hatefulness. I deeply resent that I exist and most everything that enters my senses seems to always reinforce this particular state of mine even more palpably. When it comes to a sense of misanthropy, the current arrangements of society (rampant celebration of egoism, greed, vanity, decadence, et cetera) positively supercharge my revulsion of other people. It's largely for this reason that I can't even browse 99% of the internet without eventually receiving a physically painful sensation of disgust. A good quick example would be the front page of reddit. By the time I'm done scrolling down the first page, I'm usually nauseated to my core and noticeably irritated by the sheer visual/mental cacophony of it all.

 

[Wayfaerer]

How can you have hate without anger? The two seem to necessarily go hand-in-hand.

 

[Tortured_empath]

I used to be fueled by both. Now I realize, when you don't have anything to take your anger out on, it begins weighing yourself down. Nowadays most of my hatred and contempt to other people is gone. I realize no-one/very few people in my life genuinely acted in ill will. Although I'm not sure what to judge them on. Their actions or their intentions. I do have a lot of anger and disappointment for myself though.

 

[Mentalmick]

I've got some pretty bad anger management problems. Here's what happened last time some androids spilled my milk: