venua
ven *
- Jul 1, 2023
- 59
I'm so done. So fucking down. Why do I even bother at this point? I can't feel anything anymore. He doesn't love me I know it. He can tell me he does and that he just needs time, but how long? How long will I have to wait for him? When things could just go south again. And it be my fault again, but hey! I guess we're meant for eachother then, if we're both liars and cheaters, we're perfect for eachother. But oh god, I just want him and only him. I love him so so so much and yet I can't have him. Everytime I see him around her or talking to her I just feel so angry and upset. He's realised she's bad for him, he's said it himself. So why does he continue talking to her??? What does she have that I don't? What does he see in her that I don't have? I hate her. I promised him I would start to improve my health for him. Both physically and mentally. But I know I can't. Eating and sleeping is getting worse and worse. I have no interest in anything but him. He's all I want. I can't sleep at night out of fear of what he's doing while I'm not there. I can't eat. I'll be the perfect pale girl he's always dreamed of. I'll be his forever and ever, just let me starve myself for a little longer. I promise I will look perfect. I just wanna be his perfect girl, no flaws and entirely his forever and eternally. He told me the chances of him and I getting back together were high, and yet I still can't believe him. Every ever so slightly positive thing he says I desperately cling onto. All I want is for him to tell me he loves me again, the way he said it and the way it all felt so genuine.. Even if he doesn't mean it this time I just wanna hear it come from his mouth. I know it's not healthy, but I still read over our old texts. The sweet ones where he'd tell me how perfect I was, and that he'd love me forever. That he couldn't see himself with another girl and that he couldn't wait to have me with him irl. I just wish I could go back and do things different. Say things different and make sure I was stable enough to love him. I never meant for any of this shit to happen, but it's my own stupid fault. My suicidal ideation has shot up by ten fold. It's like I can't go a single day without thinking about slitting my wrists or drowning myself. And I want to, so bad. But then my guilty conscience or sense kicks in and I take a step back to think about what I'm doing. And realise it's not worth it in that moment. But I know eventually I will just do it again and again until I succeed. I hope when he reads this he realises how much he really means to me. And even though I've completely ruined everything, sweetheart I promise you I will get better. You just have to stay with me, and not leave. And I promise you from the bottom of my broken heart, I will make you happy once more.
