And the world will carry on

[Apricity]

I sometimes imagine the world just carrying on after I'm dead. My wife mainly, just being happy and carefree, running around with her old boss (i got him fired) that she cheated on me with. Having him sleep in our bed and making love to him, forgetting all about me. It makes me feel even more worthless and unloved. Fuel to hopefully overcome SI one day soon. Anyone else have thoughts like this?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Every single day. Like yourself, my last shred of hope in my fucked up life just up and abandoned me when things got tough for us. All those beautiful words, all my sacrifice, hard work and love just thrown away after 4 years. Oh well. I get the message. Go away. From life.

 

[Pluto]

Yes, most other people seem so much happier and seem to actually belong here. (Yes, even accounting for the fact that everyone is wearing a mask, so to speak.) The ones who rejected me seemed to speak on behalf of the whole planet. Let the show go on without me.

 

[Smart No More]

I have similar thoughts but from a different perspective. I want my loved one's to go on without my actions hurting them over a prolonged period. I haven't been wronged by a spouse so I guess that's where the biggest difference is. I mainly worry about my brother and my cat. Probably sounds minor to many. I am the only person my cat trusts and nobody would know how to care for her correctly because she's a bit of a special case and I went to lengths to accommodate her needs and that's how she came to trust me. She won't let other people near her. My brother is level headed and a good guy but he doesn't quite grasp how bad things are with me and has a busy life so doesn't come to see me that often. He's younger than me and we've always been close. I am really worried that he will beat himself up over it when I'm gone. I don't know how to remedy these issues but I find myself wishing I could speak openly with my family about it all and say some goodbyes without just leaving a 'goodbye' note. I just want them to fully understand and not believe misconceptions surrounding it all. I look at all my cherished belongings and all the memories attached to them and it hurts.

Do you mind me asking why you're planning to ctb? Is it due to the relationship issue or is there a few factors?
I watched Tom Hank's new film. Finch. Its pretty touching. Worth a watch for anyone sick and looking something cathartic.

 

[Apricity]

So you mind me asking why you're planning to ctb? Is it due to the relationship issue or is there a few factors?

My marriage ending is the final straw, but I've struggled with bpd for 27 years, and have a permanent back injury with chronic pain. I'm tired of just surviving. I've had nothing but painful relationships. Always got cheated on. I was married once before, but that didn't end well. She got pregnant by another guy...

When I met my current wife I thought I'd actually have a real life finally. I never in a million years thought she'd leave me. She always used to say "You're stuck with me forever." I guess "forever" has come and gone. I don't want to go through any more of this shit. I just give up.

 

[marinekiwi]

I'm sorry life treated you this bad. It really seems that every special one in your life has tried their best to harm you.

 

[Apricity]

I'm sorry life treated you this bad. It really seems that every special one in your life has tried their best to harm you.

Even my parents. They were both alcoholics that cared more about drinking and arguing than raising us. Cops always at the house... They ruined their credit then used mine and ruined that too. I didn't even know I had bad credit until I tried to get my first apartment on my own and they told me I had $10,000 in debt.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I think about how my life will suck in near future and future in general. But it is tip of iceberg, because my life sucks in so many ways. Every bad word hurts, anxiety, loneliness and basket of mental illnesses. Tomorrow I am going to ctb and hopefully I won't feel anymore hope again.

It really seems that every special one in your life has tried their best to harm you.

life without the belief in somebody or something special is life not worth living, but something or somebody special is just a bunch of lies.

 

[Pluto]

Even my parents. They were both alcoholics that cared more about drinking and arguing than raising us.

Hellacious parents truly are the gift that keeps on giving.

 

[Smart No More]

That sucks man. I'm sorry to hear that. Back pain is really painful too. I've put my lower back out recently. Used to happen now and then and would sort itself out within a few days but it's lingering this time.
With regards to you just existing I totally relate to that now. You seem like a smart guy. I reckon you have things going for you. If you're able to survive financially I reckon you might benefit from having pets or fostering pets. They always loyal. Dogs especially but obviously if your back is too bad to walk them you would at least need a yard for them to go out and run around in. The UK national health system are apparently prescribing fishing to people that are depressed with great success. I couldn't do it as my health wouldn't allow it but if you're able and inclined maybe it's worth a go. Seems daft but I've seen loads of fishers swearing by it. I guess I'm just trying to drive at a solution to allow you to continue 'alone' but happily. I personally used to really love living alone and found great comfort in my pass times and learning etc. I wish I could offer you the key to that because it is really fullfilling once you find your way there. I would give so much to have my health back and be able to live the way I did before this thing took me over so it's challenging to see somebody with potential that you appear to have wanting to ctb. I fully respect your decision of course. Just wish I could help.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not care about those left behind, they can carry on living their lives, it is nothing to do with me as I will be gone, I will be finally at peace and free from suffering. Some people are just so cruel and awful, I cannot stand people at all personally. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you find peace.

 

[Apricity]

I actually enjoy fishing, but don't have the money to purchase a permit, or the energy to go.

 

[Smart No More]

Just read your post about your parents. That's terrible. Parents are shit. Mine have a bit to answer for too in their own ways.

 

[Apricity]

Just read your post about your parents. That's terrible. Parents are shit. Mine have a bit to answer for too in their own ways.

Hellacious parents truly are the gift that keeps on giving.

They're both dead now. Guess you can say they CTB with cigarettes and booze. Heart disease got them both.
I found my mother dead on the living room floor. She was already cold when I touched her to wake her up because I thought she just passed out drunk again. My dad died 12 years later when I was in prison.

 

[Pluto]

I found my mother dead on the living room floor. She was already cold when I touched her to wake her up because I thought she just passed out drunk again. My dad died 12 years later when I was in prison.

Sorry you went through that. I stopped speaking to my parents more than 20 years ago, yet every day is still a struggle with issues that can be directly traced to their sicknesses.