Kasumi
tired
- Mar 3, 2023
- 495
..perhaps even to the end of the year.
But I guess life isn't so kind.
Even when it offers me a chance, it ends up taking it away from me again.
False hope after false hope after false hope... I wish I had ctb'd years ago already, I could've saved myself the pain.
Because I can't stay here if I ever want to get better, or even have a chance of getting better, my friend had offered me to come to her place over a year ago.
Since then we have been talking about it and slowly preparing for it, I had some medical issues to take care of beforehand but I finally was supposed to take a flight next week.
Just that suddenly she tells me she doesn't want me to come, since she prefers having her own space and doesn't want other people to rely on her.
One week before my flight.
After already preparing everything, packing, informing official places, university, doctors, family, etc.
So here I am now, with no place to go to, but having to leave sooner or later regardless.
If she hadn't offered me to come to her place I would've taken my time to find a nice place, spend my last few days nicely somewhere else, perhaps on vacation somewhere and leave in peace.
Now I don't have the time for those things anymore.
At least I wanted to die feeling at least somewhat comfortable.
My only wish.
But I guess I wasn't even allowed that.
I'll see what happens over the next 1, 2, 3 weeks, I will definitely not die in this place, but I might still have to make do with a place I don't like, without getting to read my favourites that are closest to my heart, that I've been saving up for this,.. if I had enough time that is.
If she had just let me known sooner, I might've gotten to die in peace.
She said she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, and that she's worried that makes her a bad person.
I'm not even mad at her, I don't particularly care.
But I won't be able to forgive her for not allowing me a peaceful death, at the very least that was something I refused to give up on.
But I guess life isn't so kind.
Even when it offers me a chance, it ends up taking it away from me again.
False hope after false hope after false hope... I wish I had ctb'd years ago already, I could've saved myself the pain.
Because I can't stay here if I ever want to get better, or even have a chance of getting better, my friend had offered me to come to her place over a year ago.
Since then we have been talking about it and slowly preparing for it, I had some medical issues to take care of beforehand but I finally was supposed to take a flight next week.
Just that suddenly she tells me she doesn't want me to come, since she prefers having her own space and doesn't want other people to rely on her.
One week before my flight.
After already preparing everything, packing, informing official places, university, doctors, family, etc.
So here I am now, with no place to go to, but having to leave sooner or later regardless.
If she hadn't offered me to come to her place I would've taken my time to find a nice place, spend my last few days nicely somewhere else, perhaps on vacation somewhere and leave in peace.
Now I don't have the time for those things anymore.
At least I wanted to die feeling at least somewhat comfortable.
My only wish.
But I guess I wasn't even allowed that.
I'll see what happens over the next 1, 2, 3 weeks, I will definitely not die in this place, but I might still have to make do with a place I don't like, without getting to read my favourites that are closest to my heart, that I've been saving up for this,.. if I had enough time that is.
If she had just let me known sooner, I might've gotten to die in peace.
She said she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, and that she's worried that makes her a bad person.
I'm not even mad at her, I don't particularly care.
But I won't be able to forgive her for not allowing me a peaceful death, at the very least that was something I refused to give up on.
