Story An update of stupidity (it's long, feel free to ignore)

[jbear824]

(Disclaimer: I'm posting this here because the entire situation makes me want to fucking die for one reason or another, minutes on top of already wanting to be dead)

So, new year's eve was a mess for me. I had texted that guy saying it was a huge mistake to get involved in anyway because all these reasons (poor, fat, ugly, gonna be homeless) that I didn't actually say. And the. You know, considered killing myself later that night.

But before that, me and my friend went for a drive and talked. I told her how suicidal I was. And she gave me the perfect response. She was like "I love you. I love having you in my life and I would be so sad. But if that's what you feel like you have to do, I won't stand in your way.". And the police haven't been called or anything. I think I can trust her with these feelings. But anyway, I told her about this guy and what happened with him and how that was contributing to wanting to die. And she told me to message him back and explain why you reacted that way and see what he says.

So of course, like an idiot that wants love and other stupid bullshit like that, I text him back. And I explain. I tell him that he can either reply or not. And I will respect whatever he chooses. He texts me back. Fuck. Why?! But he does. And he says he's cool continuing to talk with me and then sends an adorable snap smiling. So that's a good sign right?

Well now I'm panicking. Because this brief moment of mental clarity is quickly overridden by panic over what to talk about. And how to talk about it in a way that won't seem lame to a 23yr old.

But fuck. I am excited. I don't want to be excited. Because excitement leads to hopes. Hope leads to emotional disaster. And of course the fact that while I'm snapping with this guy, I'm browsing a suicide website because ALL OF THIS, makes me want to be vaporized or some shit idec.

I'm trapped within a trap. I will never escape. My body is gonna keep me alive as long as possible in this hell no matter what I'm able to do within my means.

So I guess I'm gonna give it a fucking go because as a human (gross) I have to experience emotions. Like wanting to be wanted and shit.

I really fucking hate existing. If we are in a simulation, I want out. Idc how horrific the real world may be. Let me out.

 

[breezeboy]

Your friend is a really good friend. It's incredible to have someone who understands and doesn't try to make you feel guilty about your decision.

And I know it can be hard but don't put so much pressure on yourself about this guy. Ask him questions about himself and find some common interests to build rapport on. You got this!

Hope things get easier for you <3

 

[jbear824]

Your friend is a really good friend. It's incredible to have someone who understands and doesn't try to make you feel guilty about your decision.

And I know it can be hard but don't put so much pressure on yourself about this guy. Ask him questions about himself and find some common interests to build rapport on. You got this!

Hope things get easier for you <3

I'm so nervous. It's so distressing. I really wish I didn't want these things. And to have these...desires...suddenly appear after 7 years of certainty that they were not something I experienced for other people is just... I feel like I'm in crisis. I was happy not needing things like love. It's a trap. Love is a trap to keep us here. And I am cursed to be one of those people who when they love, they love hard. Thanks BPD.

And what if I enjoy it? What if it goes well and it becomes a thing? It becomes another tether to life. To this world. Lol I'll eventually have to tell him I'm suicidal, even if we only do friendship. I can't even fathom having to explain that to a new person.

I'm just freaking out. Too many different emotions at the same time. And people say that this part of being human is wonderful lol.

 

[breezeboy]

I'm so nervous. It's so distressing. I really wish I didn't want these things. And to have these...desires...suddenly appear after 7 years of certainty that they were not something I experienced for other people is just... I feel like I'm in crisis. I was happy not needing things like love. It's a trap. Love is a trap to keep us here. And I am cursed to be one of those people who when they love, they love hard. Thanks BPD.

And what if I enjoy it? What if it goes well and it becomes a thing? It becomes another tether to life. To this world. Lol I'll eventually have to tell him I'm suicidal, even if we only do friendship. I can't even fathom having to explain that to a new person.

I'm just freaking out. Too many different emotions at the same time. And people say that this part of being human is wonderful lol.

I completely get it. Love is so intense. In my 2 brief experiences with love I was the one who would fall harder and all I wanted was to be loved like how I love. Why do I desire love? Wish I knew.
Its a dangerous game with very few winners.

And yeah that's tough. I guess it depends on what you want. If you want a shot at life then there's nothing wrong with trying. That's all you can do. Get to know him a little better and if things pick up I'd just cross that bridge when you get there. He might even be pretty understanding. A lot of younger people today are at least more aware of the effects of mental health issues and can relate.

And yeah I take my hat off to them lol