While I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts - more over the last couple years (more on that in a minute) - and I am being treated for postpartum depression, I think I'm here to learn from you all. I've lurked for a while before realizing I wanted to respond to a post and couldn't because I hadn't registered. Anyway, any time shit gets hard - and it gets that way a lot - my "go to" response is to contemplate ending my life. I tried to ctb once a million years ago by taking a bunch of pills and drinking a few beers, but it was stupid and, obviously, unsuccessful. And then my mom died of cancer when I was in my early 20's and my whole world was rocked. I spent many years going down a self-destructive path. And then I met my husband and things were good...and we had a series of miscarriages and things got bad again, but never as bad as before. I gave birth to a beautiful boy 3 1/2 years ago and things mostly turned around for the better.
Until...my dad. My amazing, loving, wonderful dad. The SO loved pediatrician of 35+ years who no one had anything negative to say about...took his life. Man, my world was rocked. He hanged himself. I had no idea. Zero signs. He was married to a psychiatrist (although she is the she devil). I just can't get the image out of my mind, though I never saw the actual crime scene photos.
Anyway...long-winded. I've been reading your stories and I just have to say that it makes me even sadder that I didn't have any idea what was going on with my dad. If you don't mind, I'll stick around here for a bit...
Honestly, all your accounts of failed attempts make me wonder if it wasn't your time, whatever hat means. And also, if it took long for him or if he suffered. He used an extension cord and from what I can tell from the ME's report, was a partial. I often wonder how long he contemplated...and if he'd weighed pros/cons of other methods (I don't think he did). Mostly, I wonder if he regretted it in his final moments, or if he was at peace. I hope the latter.
I'm talking with a medium next month even though I don't believe in it really bc I have so many questions. Mostly, why weren't we enough. (And for any of you who have kids, leave a note maybe telling them it's not about them...I fear this will haunt me forever.)
Until...my dad. My amazing, loving, wonderful dad. The SO loved pediatrician of 35+ years who no one had anything negative to say about...took his life. Man, my world was rocked. He hanged himself. I had no idea. Zero signs. He was married to a psychiatrist (although she is the she devil). I just can't get the image out of my mind, though I never saw the actual crime scene photos.
Anyway...long-winded. I've been reading your stories and I just have to say that it makes me even sadder that I didn't have any idea what was going on with my dad. If you don't mind, I'll stick around here for a bit...
Honestly, all your accounts of failed attempts make me wonder if it wasn't your time, whatever hat means. And also, if it took long for him or if he suffered. He used an extension cord and from what I can tell from the ME's report, was a partial. I often wonder how long he contemplated...and if he'd weighed pros/cons of other methods (I don't think he did). Mostly, I wonder if he regretted it in his final moments, or if he was at peace. I hope the latter.
I'm talking with a medium next month even though I don't believe in it really bc I have so many questions. Mostly, why weren't we enough. (And for any of you who have kids, leave a note maybe telling them it's not about them...I fear this will haunt me forever.)
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