My nights have become writing and release sessions on this forum. I like it, though. I feel more at peace just writing here. I had an epiphany today. I'm an 80s baby. I grew up, like most in my generation, with the delusion of life being worth living. That I had the same opportunity and chance that everyone else had. That good always wins. To always do the right thing. To strive to be the best possible person I can be. That love conquers all. That evil never goes unpunished. That karma always catches up to people. That life is beautiful, with all its ups and downs. I grew up on hip hop, hairbands, MTV, Full House, Disney, and Saturday morning cartoons. I was taught to 'dream big' and never lose my sense of wonder.
Yet, this... THIS... this world. This is what all of it led to. The Post-COVID world. The age of the aggressive dumbass. As I look around and see the world crumbling (particularly the western world), I realize that all of the dreams that I was conditioned to chase were mere delusions to make me a good worker for the system. The life I wanted never existed. The values I held dear were hollow and out of kilter with reality. I've learned that humans, at their core, ARE NOT good. They do what they feel they need to do to survive. I'm not sure if we've terribly overestimated the so-called goodness of people, or we've mistaken mutation for knowledge and morality. The fact that the human developed a large brain doesn't equate to it being kind or good. I realize that this life has just been leading to destruction... no matter how you want to look at it.
And sure, there are those who will still hope. That's their right. I'm not choosing gloom and doom as much as just believing my own two eyes. Look around. It's all falling down. Everything. This sobers me when I start to feel regret about something I think I should have done in the past. No matter what path my life would've taken, it would've all led to THIS. Right now. In doing deep soul evaluation, I would still ctb... even if my life would've been better. Because, in the end, I don't like to see suffering. Not my suffering, nor anyone else's. I don't believe in gaining my freedom and prosperity at the expense of the misery and oppression of others. So, no matter what, all roads would've led to this. No amount of 'hope' will ever take away the fact that life, to me, just feels futile, pointless, and miserable.
Only a few more weeks, then the bullet will put me to sleep.
Yet, this... THIS... this world. This is what all of it led to. The Post-COVID world. The age of the aggressive dumbass. As I look around and see the world crumbling (particularly the western world), I realize that all of the dreams that I was conditioned to chase were mere delusions to make me a good worker for the system. The life I wanted never existed. The values I held dear were hollow and out of kilter with reality. I've learned that humans, at their core, ARE NOT good. They do what they feel they need to do to survive. I'm not sure if we've terribly overestimated the so-called goodness of people, or we've mistaken mutation for knowledge and morality. The fact that the human developed a large brain doesn't equate to it being kind or good. I realize that this life has just been leading to destruction... no matter how you want to look at it.
And sure, there are those who will still hope. That's their right. I'm not choosing gloom and doom as much as just believing my own two eyes. Look around. It's all falling down. Everything. This sobers me when I start to feel regret about something I think I should have done in the past. No matter what path my life would've taken, it would've all led to THIS. Right now. In doing deep soul evaluation, I would still ctb... even if my life would've been better. Because, in the end, I don't like to see suffering. Not my suffering, nor anyone else's. I don't believe in gaining my freedom and prosperity at the expense of the misery and oppression of others. So, no matter what, all roads would've led to this. No amount of 'hope' will ever take away the fact that life, to me, just feels futile, pointless, and miserable.
Only a few more weeks, then the bullet will put me to sleep.
