Discussion An ember in a snowy world (some thoughts about our pain)

[Nirrend]

Hello dear members,

I hope you are well and I prefer to start by wishing you a good evening ❤

I'll keep it simple and spare you a cheesy, boring or misleading speech, but I just wanted to say a few things.

Like many here, I have thought about suicide, I have made several attempts in my life and I was about to end my life in October. I ended up asking to be admitted to a psychological support clinic (I'm still there) as a "last attempt to try to get better". I'll be honest, it's getting better even though I know I'm fragile.

But, tomorrow I can also relapse so I prefer to be sincere in all that I am going to tell you.

Why am I telling you this? Because I understand what you are going through right now. Because I am still going through it sometimes.

Depression, bipolarity, borderline disorders, dysphoria, dysmorphophobia, PTSD, social anxiety, schizophrenia... but also redundancies, break-ups, bereavements, moving house, not liking oneself... in short, there are so many causes. All these medical conditions, all these life stories, are more than enough to make you feel broken. We don't get away with it, we are asked to accept it but I don't think we can really accept things, but rather live with them and learn to make them our own.

The fact is that, in one way or another, our misfortunes lead us to join our feelings. Loneliness, injustice, despair, guilt, anger, boredom, emptiness, anxiety, exhaustion, deadlock...

All of our feelings mean that we are not alone in experiencing such things. They are so legitimate and never forget that never in the world will you be the only one suffering ❤

All these stories, by their uniqueness, make it hard to be understood 100% but I think that's because people on this forum here, have specific and unique expectations, sensitivities and understandings, which makes them just wait for the right person.

Even if I still haven't found him, I still hope, because after all, why not?

It also could be a good thing for you to find this person, don't you think so ?

The suicidal crisis is a real scourge, and even if it can have its reassuring sides (telling oneself that no matter what happens to us, we'll die in any case and therefore, it's ok), I think that this choice would have been much more peaceful and poetic if it wasn't linked to the suffering that many people go through here...

It's an ordeal and I understand you so much

We lose hope -> We don't believe anymore and asking for help is not interesting anymore -> We isolate ourselves -> We suffer from loneliness and it reinforces the despair -> We don't believe anymore and asking for help is not interesting anymore

In short, it's a vicious cycle that we cannot break alone. But let's be clear, thinking about suicide does not make us sick, does not mean we are weak or wrong to think about it.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". This sentence is simply shameful.

For me, suicide "Is a solution that a person may consider ideal at a given moment". Because everyone has thought about it, very often, people don't realise that suicide is the final solution to every human being, because their life is full of life plans, motivations, occupations and activities.

In this sense, we can distinguish between terms such as "entertaining" and "distracting".
To entertain oneself means to carry out a task on the basis of the pleasure it will give us, whereas to distract oneself shows the deceptively pleasant side of the thing. Distracting oneself from thinking about...

But in the end, people who "never" think about it will eventually come up against the issue when certain annoyances appear in their lives. And besides, don't people who say, out of humour or annoyance, "I feel like dying", "I could've kill myself because I felt so uncomfortable ", "It was so boring to die", not manifest suicide as the final and universal solution for all human beings?

Why don't we want to entertain ourselves anymore? Why do we distract ourselves? Why do we feel bad? Is the suffering we feel because of the situation really final, will it change? What do we really want to be happy? Apart from what I have lost, is there nothing else that can make me happy? Is it really hopeless? Do I really want to feel better ? No, yes and so why ? What van I do to bring some joy in my life ?

There are so many questions to ask, because in the face of so much despair, the brain no longer thinks, it absorbs the suffering. There are so many questions to ask, because in the face of so much despair, the brain no longer seeks a solution, it submits to despair.

________________________________________________

In short, I will conclude:

Your suffering is real, you all have courage to endure what you have been enduring all this time

Even if all the reasons that push you to think about this are legitimate, even if your experience is necessarily terrible, know that yes, there are things that we can't change (bringing the dead back to life for example) but there are things that, even if we don't believe in them anymore, can improve, can be temporary. The biggest risk, in my opinion, is to act out of despair and loneliness

For my part, I think that the day I'll decide to die, it will probably be the day I'll say to myself "I have been happy but also unhappy, I think I have nothing more to accomplish".

I think being fair to yourself is important. Seeing both things, positive and negative (and not having fun tipping the scales more towards the negative).

All this to say, if you are hesitant to ask for help, sincerely, don't hesitate, because maybe wonderful horizons will open to you!

I did it, I don't regret it, and where I am now, I met people, like you, like me, who I love, who love me. Who respect me, whom I respect and some who even know this place and respect you deeply too ❤

In short, you are free to choose, I will never tell you what to do

Only, don't regret your choices, don't be too hard on yourself, allow yourself things, allow yourself the right to feel bad, cry, evacuate, but above all, don't stay alone, because deep down, it's loneliness that kills and not suicide.

This world is cold, but by bringing you this little hot water bottle, I hope to have perhaps given you back a little warmth and I wish you happiness, serenity and above all I sincerely hope that things will improve for you

I think it's possible because I didn't believe in it anymore and even if I'm not cured yet, it's good to see things a bit clearer

Of course some things can't be changed, but I guess others can
Obviously, if there are things you consider "insurmountable", it is understandable ❤

You are a great community and no matter what people outside the site say, this place has contributed enormously to keeping my spirits up.

If I can get better, I think I'll do everything I can to keep coming here, because this place and the people here mean so much to me

I would never be a pro-lifer, you are free, just don't regret it

I love you, thank you for everything,

Good luck, I'm thinking hard about you for things to get better ❤

Those who are sure to leave, I'm really sorry, wishing you the best ❤

I'm going back to my clinic!

Love ❤❤❤

 

[FuneralCry]

But when life itself is the true problem, which it is for me, there is no such thing as 'getting better'. Thoughts of suicide are not an illness, those thoughts are what makes sense for me as suicide is the only real way to prevent inevitable suffering and deterioration in a world where we can potentially be tortured to unimaginable extents. I could never wish to exist and be aware of this world no matter what, it's a curse having the ability to do such a thing and simply just being here makes the thought of non existence sound so incredibly appealing.
Maybe posts about life 'improving' belong in the recovery section instead as isn't that what that whole section is about, but anyway best wishes.

 

[Nirrend]

But when life itself is the true problem, which it is for me, there is no such thing as 'getting better'. Thoughts of suicide are not an illness, those thoughts are what makes sense for me as suicide is the only real way to prevent inevitable suffering and deterioration in a world where we can potentially be tortured to unimaginable extents. I could never wish to exist and be aware of this world no matter what, it's a curse having the ability to do such a thing and simply just being here makes the thought of non existence sound so incredibly appealing.
Maybe posts about life 'improving' belong in the recovery section instead as isn't that what that whole section is about, but anyway best wishes.

Hi sweet @FuneralCry

Of course, as I said at the end of my message, I am well aware that sometimes nothing can be changed unfortunately, that's why I would never lecture or blame anyone for deciding to ctb

Of course it's not a disease, that's why I wanted to talk about it here and fortunately some people still consider that thinking about death is something normal

Those in the recovery channel are already on the path, questioning, trying to heal. I admit that I published this here knowingly and I knew in advance that this message could potentially irritate, displease.

But to be honest, it's precisely because sometimes it shakes me deeply to read so much suffering here, when nobody deserves that.

Basically, as I said, everyone is free and I just want people to be happy. But I was thinking, maybe relating some less harsh facts through my initial thread, could help to relieve guilt, reassure or maybe just help.

I thank you for your constructive response and I'm glad to see that my message, even if it can be annoying, does not make me a pro life

I wish you the best and I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

Love ❤