Venting An Artist’s Dilemma

[FERAL_FRENZY]

This is my first time posting on this site. I'm not great with words, so bear with me.


I can't draw anymore. No matter how hard I try, my art never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started out, I was on the right track. I understood that the process would take time and a shitton of practice, and I was willing to see it through. I enjoyed drawing for drawing's sake, and it was one of my main coping mechanisms for the avalanche of problems I faced in my childhood. I devoted myself to the craft, and every day after returning home from school, I'd spend hours cooped up in my room, mindlessly doodling to my heart's content. Those were some of the happiest and most memorable days of my life.

But as the years flew by, it became increasingly difficult to create anything. The decline of my mental state has finally caught up to me, and I feel like I've regressed. I once believed that I could double down on my craft and, in spite of my issues, still manage to produce the same quality of work as I always did. But, in the eyes of my perfectionism, all my efforts were for nothing, and I'm back to square one. I have no motivation or drive left to bother giving a shit about practicing, and the passion is quickly dying out. I feel lazy and sluggish whenever I pick up a pencil, and I hate myself for it. I know that I should try harder, that I should be willing to bite the bullet and just tough it out in the name of my passion, but I just can't bring myself to do so. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out for the art world, and that thought brings me to tears. I'm not academically gifted. I suck at math, my creative writing is subpar at best, and I have the memory of a damn goldfish. I feel like a useless shell of a human being.

The thought of pursuing a non-art-related career makes me sick to my stomach. I see no point in working in a field that brings you no joy, as you're simply reduced to a robot that's mindlessly going through the motions. That way of living sounds fucking MISERABLE. There's definitely more to a job than simply making ends meet. I desperately want to be at the same level as my fellow artists, and I hate that my brain can't understand art the way it used to. I'm just this lazy, sluggish, stupid thing that can't even draw an arm right. If I can't draw, then I have amounted to nothing, and I'm better off dying than being stuck in a dead-end job.

 

[Endisclose]

This is my first time posting on this site. I'm not great with words, so bear with me.


I can't draw anymore. No matter how hard I try, my art never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started out, I was on the right track. I understood that the process would take time and a shitton of practice, and I was willing to see it through. I enjoyed drawing for drawing's sake, and it was one of my main coping mechanisms for the avalanche of problems I faced in my childhood. I devoted myself to the craft, and every day after returning home from school, I'd spend hours cooped up in my room, mindlessly doodling to my heart's content. Those were some of the happiest and most memorable days of my life.

But as the years flew by, it became increasingly difficult to create anything. The decline of my mental state has finally caught up to me, and I feel like I've regressed. I once believed that I could double down on my craft and, in spite of my issues, still manage to produce the same quality of work as I always did. But, in the eyes of my perfectionism, all my efforts were for nothing, and I'm back to square one. I have no motivation or drive left to bother giving a shit about practicing, and the passion is quickly dying out. I feel lazy and sluggish whenever I pick up a pencil, and I hate myself for it. I know that I should try harder, that I should be willing to bite the bullet and just tough it out in the name of my passion, but I just can't bring myself to do so. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out for the art world, and that thought brings me to tears. I'm not academically gifted. I suck at math, my creative writing is subpar at best, and I have the memory of a damn goldfish. I feel like a useless shell of a human being.

The thought of pursuing a non-art-related career makes me sick to my stomach. I see no point in working in a field that brings you no joy, as you're simply reduced to a robot that's mindlessly going through the motions. That way of living sounds fucking MISERABLE. There's definitely more to a job than simply making ends meet. I desperately want to be at the same level as my fellow artists, and I hate that my brain can't understand art the way it used to. I'm just this lazy, sluggish, stupid thing that can't even draw an arm right. If I can't draw, then I have amounted to nothing, and I'm better off dying than being stuck in a dead-end job.

I am pretty much at the same point where you are because of my condition and some unfavourable events in the past few years.. I wanted to write.. I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes now. There have been great artists notably Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath who had reached a state of mental decline that made it impossible for them to carry on further.

Van Gogh is another example although financial circumstances may have played a role in addition to his mental health. If one has a neuro progressive illness like I do, I suppose one will eventually reach this point in life, sooner than others. Time was always gonna be short for people like me. Unfortunately, I've realized it all too late.

 

[Jiyuurakka]

I am pretty much at the same point where you are because of my condition and some unfavourable events in the past few years.. I wanted to write.. I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes now. There have been great artists notably Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath who had reached a state of mental decline that made it impossible for them to carry on further.

Sylvia Plath is particularly interesting, I've read some of her unabridged journals and I felt so empathetic to how she felt.

 

[AnonymousL]

I watched this video of PewdiePie yesterday. He picked up a pencil and enjoyed it so much that he did it for 100 days straight.
You can see how much progress he made in those 100 days. Some amazing pieces!
Yet , he criticizes himself as he was just starting out like day 1.

While others like me and even a fellow great artist pointed out how amazing his pieces were.

You look through a different lens when it's your own art.

You might not be able to see the beauty of your own art but others most definitely can.
You see every imperfection in the drawing while others see it as a whole.

You see the parts where you struggled so hard to get it decent
While others won't believe you when you said how hard it was to make it look decent. Cause for them it looks extraordinary.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to keep going.
Keep creating.
Not every work is a masterpiece, not every drawing is gonna be excellent.
You'll have bad ones but you'll have great ones too!

If you give up you have nothing.

I sing in the shower. Am I good at it? Oh god no. My neighbors probably hate me. But do I still do it? Yes. Why?
Because I like doing so. It doesn't matter if I'm good at it or not.

Art is art.
Even when it's just a stick figure with a head.

You don't have to be good at drawing to put your emotions into your art.

Have you tried to just draw ? Just draw and do not erase anything. Draw because you want to pick up a pencil and create something. For once dont draw because of the end result you want to create. Just draw because of the proces of creating.
No perfectionism, no expectations.

Fall in love with the proces again. And with every single small improvement.

To me it sounds like drawing gives a purpose to your life.
Don't let the end results stop you from keeping that precious feeling in your heart. It's still there. I know it.

use references ! A lot of them. Every big artist does it. It's totally okay.

Draw something you love and don't be bothered by the end result too much. Cause every little piece is progress.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

"art" is sth very "difficult" I'm pretty sure the art you create is special to you even now! But art is sth that has to be recognized by others (the society, other groups of people and so on) who appreciate the kind of art you produce.

I can fully understand that you do not want a career / job that isn't related to what you like or even love to do in any way. If we love what we are doing we're not working a single day in our lives - that is so true - but it's hard to achieve in nowadays society when we have to do sth to earn a living.

 

[Todsünde]

The way you express yourself through your art and the process you go through to create it are very personal so what I say might have no value for you.
I believe what you're going through is quite normal for many artists and part of the process. There are some times you aren't able to create anything at all and other times you wanna burn down the whole place with everything you created or could create in the future. Sometimes you're in the flow and can't stop creating and it's like you found a magic fountain of endless inspiration.
Expressing yourself in an artistic way can be pure hell but also pure bliss depending on your current state of mind but out of both you can get inspiration and maybe find new ways to express yourself.
I know it's not easy but pls keep going with your creations. Even if you take some time off you can always come back and I think taking breaks is also rly important. Everything you go through is part of your artistic journey and part of the process. Both highs and downs and how they influence your art is part of your journey towards your goals as an artist so maybe you can manage to embrace both.

Long story short I hope you can trust the path you're going and get out of this blockage stronger than before. I wish you the very best for everything you will keep on doing and all the amazing stuff you're going to create in the future.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I relate deeply to your struggle. I had an art block like you described several years ago, when I went to university.
I wanted to draw and paint but it felt boring to me, painful and even when I forced myself to do it I would never be happy with the end result. I made my worst pieces during that time.

I also felt like I was behind everyone else and that, if I wanted a job in art, I'd have to improve quickly to keep up with everyone else. It was heartbreaking to see art go from my go to hobby, something I did daily and gave me so much pleasure, to a boring and painful past time that hurt my hands and my soul.

I spent years without drawing or painting and just a year and so ago was when I went back to it. This is what worked for me:

- I changed my tools. I was using a drawing tablet and upgraded to a display pen. Much better to draw while looking at my hand

- I started drawing and painting still life, a simple apple or banana, some object, something simple that wouldn't take much time

- I drew random things with my friend like pokemon or a cup of coffee. Whatever he wanted to draw so I didn't have to think too much about it

- I would give myself a limited amount of time to draw, maximum 1 hour, and it didn't matter the state of the drawing in that 1 hour, just that I drew for 1 hour

- If I really didn't feel like drawing one day, I didn't draw. I would draw only when I wanted to or when I was neutral to it.

These things helped with getting back into drawing. I'm not at the point that I was when I was younger, drawing every day, that passion without effort. Far from it. But now I can draw and paint when I want to and I'm a lot more patient, can appreciate the process and don't put as much pressure on myself.

When I started this healing process, I was already at a job, unrelated to art, so there was no pressure to succeed. With you it may be harder but I believe it can be done.

I hope this can help in some way, I'm here for you if you'd like to discuss anything about art, art block or just sharing art. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, I know it is heartbreaking

 

[LunarLight]

I feel exactly the same for music. It's killing me inside. I can't record anything anymore.

 

[1MiserableGuy]

There is a book you must read called The Artist's Way. It is amazing at plowing through creative frustrations.

 

[moshimoshi]

I don't think I've ever related more to a post tbh, I'm going through the exact same thing. Before a few months ago art was my crutch, the only thing I could hold onto when life became unbearable. Throughout my childhood it was always there for me when no one else was. I also only ever want to work in the art field, I hate the idea of having any other job. I used to make a decent amount of money off of commissions and had built up my audience. But after my mental health started getting really really bad I started losing my ability to make art. My hand never cooperates and when I draw I just end up feeling like shit, even though art has always been my biggest passion and most reason for living. I deeply relate to what you said, "If I can't draw, then I have amounted to nothing, and I'm better off dying than being stuck in a dead-end job."

What I recommend is letting art go for a while. Focus on other things that bring you joy, like video games or anything else you like. Maybe tailor your social media feeds (if you have social media other than here) to show artists that really inspire you and spark that drive. In my experience, forcing yourself to do art may only push yourself further away from it and burn you out more. I'm sure art will find its way back to you, especially if you truly love it which it seems like you do. So just letting it be free and fly it's way back to you when it's ready could help :) I know your pain and struggle so well and I'm so sorry it really really sucks to be dealing with this.

I also really understand wanting your art to perfect, I struggle SO much with that, everytime I draw I criticize myself and push myself to make it look like a professional artist drew it. But tbh I feel like that's really unhealthy

Nowadays since I can't draw much, I try to just let it come to me. For the first time in weeks I drew something, and it was thanks to a weekly challenge here on SS. I saw people drawing Pokémon and it really inspired me because they were all so adorable, and I really wanted to join in. I felt that feeling of when I was drawing as a kid, not caring what the result looked like, just having fun and unleashing my creativity ^^

You're definitely not lazy, sluggish or stupid. You're just going through an extremely difficult time I truly truly believe your ability to draw will come back to you. I want to quote a line from my favorite movie Kiki's delivery service (except replace flying with drawing haha)

"Stop trying. Take long walks. Look at scenery. Doze off at noon. Don't even think about flying. And then, pretty soon, you'll be flying again."

- Ursula

I wish you luck and I really hope things get better I believe in you <3