An ambulance is coming

[bea1974]

I may really regret this, but it's happening now either way. I phoned my local (nhs) crisis line (I'm in london) and this afternoon an ambulance will come and take me to accident & emergency.

The part of me that wants to live did that.

The other part of me burnt my arm again and is longing to go into the kitchen and get on with night night and just stop being.

It's like there are two parts of me, the want to live part and the need to die part. They go into battle and its exhausting.
At the moment the want to live part just about has the strength to hold off and I think I want to listen to that part but I don't know how long I can hold off.

I don't want to die by night night and I don't want to die right now. But the thoughts that I should come so strong.

And what if it didn't work and I was brain damaged.

I wanted to get some N but honestly that's all beyond my capabilities. TOR, and bitcoin, and all that stuff. Plus the money. And the need for anti-emitics. Beyond me.

So it's night night or a psych ward I guess.

 

[timf]

I imagine you are going to face a process that will allow the time for some reflection. You may also face a barrage of people who push for you to chose life. Against this push we can sometimes feel defensive and find ourselves driven more towards a direction we wouldn't choose otherwise.

If you find yourself torn between two choices, you may consider what you would choose if the choice was suicide or a happy life. Few would choose suicide. The trick is how to arrive at a happy life when one is stuck in an unhappy one.

Both paths seem to present uncertainty, discomfort, and the potential for lasting consequences. However, the suicide path is a choice that excludes all others. The attempt to find a happy life has many more choices that allow for an almost limitless number of experimental attempts.

Since you are at the moment stuck in an evaluative process, you may wish to use the time to consider what you might do to find a happy life.

The first step would be to consider if you have been waiting for a happy life to happen or if you have been actively trying to build one. If you have been trying to build a happy life but have not been successful, you may wish to reexamine your measurement criteria. For example, if you have been trying to get rich under the impression that wealth will make you happy, you may find that even achieving that goal still does not make you happy. In this case a change in what happiness means would be in order.

Some people can lose themselves in hedonistic indulgences or material acquisitions. Some seem satisfied with social prominence or achievement. However, most come to see in relationships with others that soul satisfying source of happiness.

Unfortunately we live in an historical period of decimated families and unprecedented consumerism which feeds a level of selfishness (which is antithetical to relationships) unknown outside of the aristocracy. As a result the key to most happiness (relationships) is more elusive than ever.

However, all is not lost. The first step in finding a happy relationship is to make oneself into what would be attractive to another. This seldom includes the superficial. Qualities such a s humor, kindness, compassion, and being interested in others are much more important. Then to encounter those more likely to appreciate those qualities as well as to have them, you will have to search out places where people like that may be. Churches, volunteer groups, or even clubs for people who have special interests (bird watching, wood working, amateur radio, etc.)

The key to turning things around may lie in something similar to the main character in the movie Groundhog day. Once the main character turned his interest outside himself, he began to become something that attracted others.

Hopefully you will be able to find a path that will lead to a happy life.

 

[bea1974]

I need to die. This can't go on.

I'm seriously considering walking up to the nearest motorway this evening, after dark, and throwing myself under the mercy of a speeding car.

I checked a road safety website and it says if the vehicle is going at 50 miles per hour then I'd have a 90% chance of being killed.

I'm at the point now where I don't care anymore about consequences for other people. I've spent too much of my life thinking, worrying, caring, about other people and getting fuck all back. So fuck it. Time to do what I need to do, for me. Be selfish.

 

[FuneralCry]

Whatever happens, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering. I'm sorry that things are this hopeless.

 

[DJJE]

I need to die. This can't go on.

I'm seriously considering walking up to the nearest motorway this evening, after dark, and throwing myself under the mercy of a speeding car.

I checked a road safety website and it says if the vehicle is going at 50 miles per hour then I'd have a 90% chance of being killed.

I'm at the point now where I don't care anymore about consequences for other people. I've spent too much of my life thinking, worrying, caring, about other people and getting fuck all back. So fuck it. Time to do what I need to do, for me. Be selfish.

Insulate Britian have stopped all the traffic.

If you do try it, people might think you were one of their members, and it will be all over the paper tomorrow.

But I hope you don't do it for your sake. If it's time to be selfish, be selfish. There's loads of opportunities to be selfish in London. Try taking a few of those opportunities, ones where you have an option to try other selfish stuff afterwards.

 

[whywere]

All my best and prayers to you. I have been there myself. You are a very kind and smart soul to get help and I tip my hat to you.

Take great care of yourself and all my love and huge hugs to help a fellow friend here on SS.

Walter

 

[bea1974]

I've absconded.

They haven't even noticed.

I've set up a hanging and I'm just now building up to getting on with it.

A few minutes of pain and then I'll be gone. At peace finally.
I'm scared but I know I have to do it. It's my only way out. I need out.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Best of luck on your choice, remember that we are here and there is no shame on postponing, if necessary.

 

[noaccount]

I've absconded.

They haven't even noticed.

I've set up a hanging and I'm just now building up to getting on with it.

A few minutes of pain and then I'll be gone. At peace finally.
I'm scared but I know I have to do it. It's my only way out. I need out.

Hey I've been there. More or less. I'm sorry. We're here whatever happens.

 

[James777]

What happend in the end

 

[thendfornow]

I imagine you are going to face a process that will allow the time for some reflection. You may also face a barrage of people who push for you to chose life. Against this push we can sometimes feel defensive and find ourselves driven more towards a direction we wouldn't choose otherwise.

If you find yourself torn between two choices, you may consider what you would choose if the choice was suicide or a happy life. Few would choose suicide. The trick is how to arrive at a happy life when one is stuck in an unhappy one.

Both paths seem to present uncertainty, discomfort, and the potential for lasting consequences. However, the suicide path is a choice that excludes all others. The attempt to find a happy life has many more choices that allow for an almost limitless number of experimental attempts.

Since you are at the moment stuck in an evaluative process, you may wish to use the time to consider what you might do to find a happy life.

The first step would be to consider if you have been waiting for a happy life to happen or if you have been actively trying to build one. If you have been trying to build a happy life but have not been successful, you may wish to reexamine your measurement criteria. For example, if you have been trying to get rich under the impression that wealth will make you happy, you may find that even achieving that goal still does not make you happy. In this case a change in what happiness means would be in order.

Some people can lose themselves in hedonistic indulgences or material acquisitions. Some seem satisfied with social prominence or achievement. However, most come to see in relationships with others that soul satisfying source of happiness.

Unfortunately we live in an historical period of decimated families and unprecedented consumerism which feeds a level of selfishness (which is antithetical to relationships) unknown outside of the aristocracy. As a result the key to most happiness (relationships) is more elusive than ever.

However, all is not lost. The first step in finding a happy relationship is to make oneself into what would be attractive to another. This seldom includes the superficial. Qualities such a s humor, kindness, compassion, and being interested in others are much more important. Then to encounter those more likely to appreciate those qualities as well as to have them, you will have to search out places where people like that may be. Churches, volunteer groups, or even clubs for people who have special interests (bird watching, wood working, amateur radio, etc.)

The key to turning things around may lie in something similar to the main character in the movie Groundhog day. Once the main character turned his interest outside himself, he began to become something that attracted others.

Hopefully you will be able to find a path that will lead to a happy life.

i agree in part but reality is way more complex than this. For example one can attain an happy life and be happy for a while and then loose it all and go back to being miserable. Life is just like this, unfair. Some ctb before even being happy once, some after. But i dont think pursuing happiness is a good reason to not ctb since it can also be a temporary thing and you can get it then loose it again.