Help Ambivalent

[mind_split]

Hi

I hope I'm not breaking any rule. I just registered a few days ago and I'm not finding my way around yet (I've read the guides, fqa, acronyms etc).

TL;DR: I need your advice. Cant decide what to do & who I am


As mentioned in my first post, I have been living with a severe mental disorder since childhood which has included many psychiatric stays... I have had recurrent severe depression (schizoaffective) or mania and psychosis.... I feel like Im having or am two people (like 2 diff. "persons/mindsets") and therefore cannot longer trust any of my feelings. Currently I strongly desire to CTB (1x failed attempt many years ago - OD H) .. now Im here.. doing research.. plan and check my options to CTB …and I invest alot of time doing it. fuck.

i can't stand these mood swings anymore. i can't plan a life properly like this either.

can anyone relate ? tips?

i see my doctor this week and don't know if i should tell her about my CTB plans?

I am also terrified of death (or what comes after) I am afraid that the afterlife will be even worse.
I don't want that.

I don't know what I want at all.

I can hardly get my mind off CTB... What if now only one side wants to CTB & the other doesn't?

if no, how can we be sure when its the right time to CTB? fuck.
I hate the world. Im sick of myself.
Always the same. over and over again.

 

[misukiimikki]

I can not even begin to imagine what you have been going through.. i'm so sorry that life has been so cruel to you. truly.

I'm also terrified of not as much death, but what is after death. I'm afraid that after death, you become nothing.

But to your next question, I would HIGHLY suggest not telling your doctor. Many people who have told someone have been stopped from CTBing in the future. Many doctors are pro-life and not pro-choice.

And to your other question. Do you always think of CTBing? Do you ever feel like life is worth living throughout the day? If so, then I would suggest waiting longer before ctbing. I think that if you have something to live for, there is a possibility of maybe making life worth living for

And lastly, I have yet to plan a date to ctb, being new to the even thought of ctbing. I'm still also deciding if it's something I truly want to do. But what I have seen from this community, is that confusion is okay and being lost is okay.

You'll know, if that's truly what you desire, you'll know when it's time to go.

 

[mind_split]

I can not even begin to imagine what you have been going through.. i'm so sorry that life has been so cruel to you. truly.

I'm also terrified of not as much death, but what is after death. I'm afraid that after death, you become nothing.

But to your next question, I would HIGHLY suggest not telling your doctor. Many people who have told someone have been stopped from CTBing in the future. Many doctors are pro-life and not pro-choice.

And to your other question. Do you always think of CTBing? Do you ever feel like life is worth living throughout the day? If so, then I would suggest waiting longer before ctbing. I think that if you have something to live for, there is a possibility of maybe making life worth living for

And lastly, I have yet to plan a date to ctb, being new to the even thought of ctbing. I'm still also deciding if it's something I truly want to do. But what I have seen from this community, is that confusion is okay and being lost is okay.

You'll know, if that's truly what you desire, you'll know when it's time to go.

thx for your reply. im also afraid of the afterlife but for me I would be pleasant to know that theres "nothing" after CTB… im scared of punishment whenever I decide myself to end my life. plus i cant talk to my friends or family about ctb. thats why im thinking of talking to my doc about my plans. she is really awesome and has a great view on life. she travelled to a lof of destinations where ppl get killed due to war and has basically seen everything. thats why I think she can put this matter into perspective. she knows me for a long time.. but im scared of beeing taken to the psych ward. and all of its concequences… yes i do have days or even months where Im feeling kinda ok-ish. my mood is good, im openminded and somewhat "happy and optimistic" but its just part of my illness. sooner or later Ill drop down to the lowest point in life.. as right now. only thing Im capable of thinking of is to ctb. i cant stand my illness and suffering anymore. everyday is just a massive burden. my parents are getting older & my partner has a great life ahead of her….so now it would be kinda the perfect timing to do so. as I said I have like two personalities in me (or in my mind) so its super hard to tell which one is really "me"…should I end my suffering or shall I hold onto life and tell my doctor about my thoughts and hope for beeing "rescued" … ive been on this rollercoaster all my life. drug abuse, promiscuity, losing friends, brining myself into debts, self destructive behavior, isolation, beeing physically sick all the time and dropping out of schools are just few things Im going through when having a depression.

I cant stand this anymore. Now i know, I have to options:

- tell my doctor abt this and may get help (?? haha not sure abt that) OR
- go silent and CTB (id go for inert gas or SN, but dont know any rel. sources / money is not the problem. i would spend >1000EUR if its going to kill me peacefully)


just a fkn rant. i really appreciate your answer. now im going back to work, pretending everything is fine and having some interviews to hire some new employees…
sry for my eng…even in speaking another language and therefore expressing myself i suck sooo many times. ffs.

edited: thousand typos

 

[HyugaHarbor]

I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your challenges with recurrent severe depression, schizoaffective symptoms, mania, and psychosis. It sounds incredibly tough, especially when you feel divided into two distinct mindsets. Here are some suggestions and support tailored to your situation:

1. Professional Support: Given the complexity of your feelings and symptoms, it's crucial to continue seeking guidance from mental health professionals who can provide specialized care tailored to schizoaffective disorder and associated symptoms.
2. Open Dialogue: When you see your doctor or therapist, try to be as open as possible about the duality you feel. This can help them understand your experience better and offer more targeted support.
3. Join Support Groups: There are many support groups, both online and offline, for individuals with schizoaffective disorder and related conditions. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide a sense of understanding and community.
   There are several organizations and platforms that offer support groups for individuals with schizoaffective disorder, severe depression, and related conditions. Here are some examples:
   1. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI offers support groups for individuals with mental health conditions and their families. They have local chapters in many areas, and their groups are led by trained facilitators.
   2. DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance): DBSA provides both in-person and online support groups for individuals with mood disorders.
   3. Schizophrenia and Related Disorders Alliance of America (SARDAA): While primarily focused on schizophrenia, SARDAA also offers support for related disorders like schizoaffective disorder.
   4. 7 Cups: An online platform where individuals can connect with trained listeners and therapists. They also have community forums where members can support each other.
   5. Psych Central: They have a variety of forums where individuals can discuss different mental health conditions, including schizoaffective disorder.
   6. Mental Health America (MHA): MHA provides a list of support groups available for various mental health conditions.
   7. Meetup: Sometimes, local groups for mental health support are organized on platforms like Meetup. It's worth checking if there are any in the your area.
   
   
4. Educate Yourself: Understanding more about schizoaffective disorder and its associated symptoms can give you a sense of control and empowerment. There are many reputable resources available that can provide insights.
5. Establish a Routine: Consistency can be grounding, especially when dealing with mood swings and feelings of duality. A daily routine can offer a sense of stability.
6. Stay Connected: Even if challenging, try to maintain connections with trusted individuals. They can offer support, understanding, and a different perspective when things feel overwhelming.
7. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: These can help you stay connected to the present moment, especially during episodes of dissociation or when feeling like two distinct people.
8. Medication Management: If you're on medication, take it as prescribed and communicate any side effects or concerns to your doctor.
9. Journaling: Writing down your feelings and experiences can provide clarity and a way to process complex emotions. It can also be useful to share with your therapist or doctor.
10. Remember, You're Not Alone: While your experience is uniquely yours, many people face similar challenges. Reaching out and connecting can provide a sense of belonging and understanding.

Your well-being is essential, and I genuinely hope you find the support and understanding you need during this challenging time.

 

[SVEN]

In your position I wouldn't tell my Doctor, apart from their personal views they would probably feel required to report your considering ctb further up the medical chain, just to cover themselves professionally if you did do the deed.
If you're uncertain as to ctb or not, just give yourself time to be sure of what you decide is best for you. When you are ready to ctb I'm sure you will feel certain in yourself.
Best wishes in struggling on through this distressing time.