Ambivalent about CTB

[Erase.myself]

I've been doing research on different methods and I'm pretty sure I'm going to go with the SN method. Im 32 years old and have had suicidal ideation on & off for 16 years with two unsuccessful attempts. The first when I was 16 and my survival instinct kicked in when I was attempting to drown myself. My second attempt was June of last year, two weeks after my twin sister died. I took a bottle of 2mg Klonopin and alcohol and in my drunk/high stupor told a friend, she called the cops, ICU, then Psych.

My exboyfriend/best friend died from a heroin overdose Christmas Eve last year...just a few months ago. We were gonna get back together 2 months before he passed (long story short we didnt). I still have strong feelings for him, feel like he was my soulmate, I'd known him half my life. I feel like my heart had been ripped away from me when my twin died, and more of it got taken when my love passed away 3 months ago.I feel like I don't have much of a heart left. What I have left of it feels crushed; this intense pain and grief make it physically hard to breathe sometimes.

I really want to go be with them so badly. I don't feel like a whole person anymore. I also struggle with borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, OCD, and I'm in recovery from anorexia. These mental illnesses make it hard for me to function at work, feel comfortable being out in the world (scared of people/crowds/stores). I'm tired. Im so tired of fighting all of this. I recently relapsed on heroin after having 8 months clean, & I'm on risk of getting kicked out of my eating disorder outpatient program due to not following my meal plan. The only things I find comfort in are drugs (which I can't afford anymore) and the feeling of hunger. Which I can't have either anymore.

I feel like I lost my home when I lost my love who died. I feel like I lost my home when I gave up my eating disorder. It's the only thing that made me feel safe, comforted, at home. The only thing I find comfort in anymore is the idea of suicide. Letting go of all this pain and shit life and running into my loves arms, hugging my sister and my dad and grandma who helped raise me.

My only ambivalence about ctb is thinking about my mom losing another child. Shes already so lonely and sad due to my twins death and my father's death (2009). My brother is all fucked up and basically the living dead so I feel like I'm all my mom has. And my Grandma. My Grandma has been reaching out to me often lately and it makes me cry thinking about hurting her if I were to ctb. I don't know what to do.

 

[faust]

I feel almost nothing when I read novels, tragedies or any other man-made stories.
However, when I read real stories like that, I feel very sad...
And I am sorry you are going through all these losses in your life.
My recommendations would be to stay away from drugs. Because when you cease them, you may realize that all the time you were living in an illusion and now it collapsed.
Drugs make you feel like nothing terrible happens in your life. This contrast pushes you to the edge. I agree, we would better live in an illusion, but anyway will soon understand that running away from your problems do not solve any problem. Better early than too late.
If you are not ready for CTB or recovery, do not blame yourself. This is a hard time, but at the same time it is the time of solutions.
You have some time to think what to do next, try to use this time properly.
Wish you a good luck!

 

[Erase.myself]

I feel almost nothing when I read novels, tragedies or any other man-made stories.
However, when I read real stories like that, I feel very sad...
And I am sorry you are going through all these losses in your life.
My recommendations would be to stay away from drugs. Because when you cease them, you may realize that all the time you were living in an illusion and now it collapsed.
Drugs make you feel like nothing terrible happens in your life. This contrast pushes you to the edge. I agree, we would better live in an illusion, but anyway will soon understand that running away from your problems do not solve any problem. Better early than too late.
If you are not ready for CTB or recovery, do not blame yourself. This is a hard time, but at the same time it is the time of solutions.
You have some time to think what to do next, try to use this time properly.
Wish you a good luck!

I appreciate your response and your recommendations. Tonight's going to be the last night that I use dope. I've used a handful of times last month and then for the last three days. I am not working right now due to being in Eating Disorder treatment so I don't have income to continue to make purchases plus like you said using dope is just more running and living an illusion. Strangely enough, the times that I have been high I've actually been more suicidal.

 

[faust]

I appreciate your response and your recommendations. Tonight's going to be the last night that I use dope. I've used a handful of times last month and then for the last three days. I am not working right now due to being in Eating Disorder treatment so I don't have income to continue to make purchases plus like you said using dope is just more running and living an illusion. Strangely enough, the times that I have been high I've actually been more suicidal.

Do you have any medication like benzos now to cope with your symptoms?

 

[Erase.myself]

Do you have any medication like benzos now to cope with your symptoms?

Unfortunately, my psychiatrist doesn't like to prescribe benzos. He actually took me off my prescription of Klonopin in February. I do have a few Suboxone strips though, to help with the withdrawals, if that is what youre referring to.

 

[faust]

Unfortunately, my psychiatrist doesn't like to prescribe benzos. He actually took me off my prescription of Klonopin in February. I do have a few Suboxone strips though, to help with the withdrawals, if that is what youre referring to.

Yes, I implied withdrawal symptoms which can be eased with a certain medication. Just wanted to be sure you are not going to fight withdrawal on your own.