Zneko
Member
- Sep 3, 2020
- 21
I've been majorly suicidal for the last 2-3 years and last year I had an event occur that really tipped the scale.
my anxiety, stress and fear became overwhelming due to someone entering my life I really admired. This apparently caused me to have really bad memory loss any time I felt relaxed after an encounter with them I would forget what happened. They weren't awefull too me or anything in fact I really liked how they treated me. I was just so afraid of doing anything wrong to upset them combined with the normal anxiety I get from meeting new people, them already being somebody I could admire but never thought I would get a chance to talk to. I kept forgetting everything about them and though they tried to coax me along and help me I couldn't figure out what to do I was having panic/anxiety attacks every time we spoke. I found out that they actually had feelings for me and when I could remember what was going on I realized they were in fact very important to me but it didn't stop the stress from essentially blocking me from being able to remember I say I forget but it honestly feels like it was a mental block where I couldn't remember easily even when I tried. They said everything I always wanted to hear and I realized maybe this person cared about me like I always wanted someone too and that they actually listened to what I was saying took note of it and acted like it was important. I'm male and so are they unfortunately and while I'm out and bisexual they are in the closet and gay, they are actually married and originally they just wanted to be my friend. But they really got attached to me and were really concerned as to why I wanted to commit suicide cause they found out I at some point told them. Their family told them that I didn't care for them that I was only trying to troll them about the memory issues. Some of their family even said that they shouldn't come out even if they were gay and unhappy. I told them that I loved them but I needed time to get over the memory issues. They kept trying to give me time but one of their friends or family would always start harassing me one of them even called me non-stop to get me to erase proof they contacted me, these people are a bit high profile so anything showing they were involved in something where they caused someone to have panic/anxiety attacks could potentially cause them to loose their job. They got their husband on the line and had me prove I was suicidal by choking myself which the wife still didn't believe cause I had my eyes open when I fainted. The husband actually believed me and I believe was afraid cause I was actually really happy that I was successful in knocking myself out. This occured while the guy I kept forgetting large events about was trying to give me time to recover and we promised that we wouldn't contact each other till I remembered enough. They told me while I couldn't remember that he was straight and that I was delusional, though the husband later believed me cause he was a ceo at the call center I worked at and listened to the call where I initially met the guy and he told me that he was gay. He unfortunately is super christian so when he got the guy on the line was an asshole too him. The guy still wanted to be with me he said but one of the things was that because in his line of work he'd have to be married or he could lose jobs he wanted me to marry him as soon as he divorced no dating whatsoever... This made me much more nervous. He also refused to tell his wife he actually was gay and would only tell her that he really loved me and I was special. So because I kept having memory loss and anxiety attacks he wanted me to remember myself so we stopped talking again. But his wife called me and begged me to talk to him because she'd rather he talked to her nicely instead of ignoring her like he apparently was. I'm confused as to how many days passed during this because all of this ccured over a month and a half but I believe it was only a few days. He was really upset when we got on the line and I had him explain everything. He told me I had to remember him for a week by myself or he wouldn't believe that I wasn't trolling him and he would never speak to me again. I couldn't remember and even though he said he loved me and he was worried about me when he had a chance to contact my family or friends while I was on social media with him he didn't. He had expressed concern cause I was suicidal but I couldn't remember him when he called me back he was upset he sounded angry but when I talked to him he started sounding sad like he believed I did have the memory issues. He questioned me on if I could ever be attracted to a man like him he's 12 years older than me and I said only if it was an exception. I didn't remember ever having actually spoken to him before but I loved his voice everytime I forgot him I remember the first thing I would say is I love hearing your voice. The first time I spoke to him I litteraly asked him if he was dating someone I was so entranced... But when we spoke last I couldn't tell this man who I couldn't remember that is was speaking to who's voice I loved, but from what I knew without being able to remember anything he was straight and married, I didn't want to push him away further by telling him I liked him or found him attractive I didn't want to gross him out so I said I didn't. I also was scared and didn't know what was going on from what I remember anytime someone brought up that I was forgetting something I started having panic/anxiety attacks. At first when he got on that call he told me he hated me and he could care less whether I committed suicide. But after we spoke for awhile he told me he hoped I never remembered him, that it would hurt me to much, that he wished he could but he couldn't talk to me anymore cause he couldn't try this anymore (I think he was mentioning it cause he told me he could only try the memory issues once).
i started remembering everything slowly the next week. It took me 2 weeks to get to a point where I could figure out who this person was and that I was even supposed to be their friend I had to get over remembering 2 major panic attacks. It was an awefull experience where I would be able to remember a happy memory or a positive and safe memory something like him telling me he would protect me or he cared for me to a negative memory like me forgetting him or hanging up on him not realizing who he was. My roomate who's also my ex and a friend, was just constantly ignoring me. He would feign like he was paying attention but wasn't. While I was having the memory issues I actually now remember I went to him a few times and begged for help and he would act like he was listening but was playing a game. Once I even dragged him off the game and panickingly explained to him a little of what was going on, he even spoke to someone but he only cared about getting back to his game. He ignored me I shouldn't have trusted him but I didn't feel I had anyone else to turn to my family ignores me as well and never pays attention to what I'm saying or feeling. My ex/friend begged me before to continue living with him and was always worried that I would stop being his friend he also knew I was suicidal. So I really thought I could trust him when I told him this person is so important to me they give me hope in life and I love them and I needed my friends help to make sure I remembered them. He was never paying attention so when I started remembering he didn't even know what I was talking about. Hes admitted to me this day he wasn't paying any attention and he should have been. He only cared when I told him I wanted to kill myself. I tried slitting my throat he called 911 and got the police to take me to the hospital. My family and friends found out. But when I got out I was still remembering things I begged them to help me with this person to get this person's attention that I needed to talk to this person. They only cared about me being suicidal not why. I told them who this person was many times and asked them to try and ask if they would speak to me again, at the time I only remembered when they told me they just wanted a friend I couldn't remember them telling me they loved me. I asked them to make sure I wasn't alone so I wouldn't be by myself while having the memory issues. When I got out they made this big fanfare of having ME visit them none of them came to see me, not once till I was constantly trying to commit suicide everyday and stayed in my bedroom and never left not once did anyone visit. I did get ahold of the guy once but he tried testing me to see if I remembered who he was I told him I was trying to contact someone very important to me a friend, but I only used his stage name when I mentioned him and he asked me what the person's real name was and I got scared and said I didn't know. He hung up and said he wouldn't help. I didn't realize till later it was him. Even still my family would contact me every once in awhile and tell me not to commit suicide but most didn't. I begged them to please try to contact this person but they never did.
My aunt told me she wanted to give me my grandparents house 9 months ago as a way to give me something to focus on other than trying to commit suicide like I was focusing on everyday. I had finally remembered everything and if I focused on suicide at least I dealt safe that nothing could ever happen bad again and I wouldn't be suffering through a depression I couldn't fix. But while she said she wants from give me the house it always followed with a "and you need to stop saying you want to commit suicide". I was finding it very hard to focus on anything other than either the person I wanted to speak to again but had no way of and believe that now they don't want to and never will. My only entertainment activities they are actually well known in and so those remind me of them making it impossible to relax and not think about them. Fixing up the house at least let me focus on something that wasn't them a little I still wanted to commit suicide and I still longed to speak to them but I was at least able to draw my mind into that. Fast forward to the present and after I gave my landlord my 30 day notice last month and now we are supposed to be moving out this month. My aunt tells me she hasn't been paying the recommended amount on the mortgage. That $12,000 is due on the 20th to pay off the loan my grandparents had put on the house and that we can't move in any longer. I work from home, so now I'll be homeless and jobless. I can't stand the idea of my grandparents house being sold outside the family. Now I have nothing to focus on and I'm hit with constantly thinking about how I wish I could still talk to the guy. I brought up to my mother how I felt and she just got upset that I wanted to commit suicide still even though I've still been saying that for the last couple months. I asked her why no one in the family cared enough to even help me try to each this guy, when it was clearly causing me so much pain that it was tipping me into suicide more than ever before. She said she cared and she had tried, so I asked her what his name was. I had told my family all about what happened once I got out of the hospital who it was I was having the memory issues about and what happened. She didn't even know his first name let alone his last... Neither did my sister and neither does my aunt or other sisters let alone my uncle even though I told them all how important he was. Not one of them even payed attention even though I begged them to ty and help find a way to contact him not one even knows his name. They always say I wish there was something I could do I wish you wouldn't feel this way. But the one thing I litteraly asked them for help with involving this and they didn't even make an effort to remember the guys name... Which honestly makes sense cause not feeling my family loves me or cares for me is one of my reasons for depression and suicidal ideation. They constantly say they would do anything to help but not one of them has tried to figure anything out aside from telling me that. They never tried to help me contact him on social media and they dont even know a thing about this man they have had a year to look up. Even my ex/friend who choked me when I was getting on his nerves or would slam me against walls and squeeze my arms or tell and scream and tell me how the guy obviously didn't care about me so I should just stop even he knew his name. Even he tried contacting him.
Am I wrong to think they should at least care enough to know his name? Am I wrong to think that had they tried to contact him maybe he would have realized I cared?
bonus am I wrong for thinking he did love me? They say he shouldn't mean anything that they should so I shouldn't be suicidal. They act like I should just be able to get over it.
my anxiety, stress and fear became overwhelming due to someone entering my life I really admired. This apparently caused me to have really bad memory loss any time I felt relaxed after an encounter with them I would forget what happened. They weren't awefull too me or anything in fact I really liked how they treated me. I was just so afraid of doing anything wrong to upset them combined with the normal anxiety I get from meeting new people, them already being somebody I could admire but never thought I would get a chance to talk to. I kept forgetting everything about them and though they tried to coax me along and help me I couldn't figure out what to do I was having panic/anxiety attacks every time we spoke. I found out that they actually had feelings for me and when I could remember what was going on I realized they were in fact very important to me but it didn't stop the stress from essentially blocking me from being able to remember I say I forget but it honestly feels like it was a mental block where I couldn't remember easily even when I tried. They said everything I always wanted to hear and I realized maybe this person cared about me like I always wanted someone too and that they actually listened to what I was saying took note of it and acted like it was important. I'm male and so are they unfortunately and while I'm out and bisexual they are in the closet and gay, they are actually married and originally they just wanted to be my friend. But they really got attached to me and were really concerned as to why I wanted to commit suicide cause they found out I at some point told them. Their family told them that I didn't care for them that I was only trying to troll them about the memory issues. Some of their family even said that they shouldn't come out even if they were gay and unhappy. I told them that I loved them but I needed time to get over the memory issues. They kept trying to give me time but one of their friends or family would always start harassing me one of them even called me non-stop to get me to erase proof they contacted me, these people are a bit high profile so anything showing they were involved in something where they caused someone to have panic/anxiety attacks could potentially cause them to loose their job. They got their husband on the line and had me prove I was suicidal by choking myself which the wife still didn't believe cause I had my eyes open when I fainted. The husband actually believed me and I believe was afraid cause I was actually really happy that I was successful in knocking myself out. This occured while the guy I kept forgetting large events about was trying to give me time to recover and we promised that we wouldn't contact each other till I remembered enough. They told me while I couldn't remember that he was straight and that I was delusional, though the husband later believed me cause he was a ceo at the call center I worked at and listened to the call where I initially met the guy and he told me that he was gay. He unfortunately is super christian so when he got the guy on the line was an asshole too him. The guy still wanted to be with me he said but one of the things was that because in his line of work he'd have to be married or he could lose jobs he wanted me to marry him as soon as he divorced no dating whatsoever... This made me much more nervous. He also refused to tell his wife he actually was gay and would only tell her that he really loved me and I was special. So because I kept having memory loss and anxiety attacks he wanted me to remember myself so we stopped talking again. But his wife called me and begged me to talk to him because she'd rather he talked to her nicely instead of ignoring her like he apparently was. I'm confused as to how many days passed during this because all of this ccured over a month and a half but I believe it was only a few days. He was really upset when we got on the line and I had him explain everything. He told me I had to remember him for a week by myself or he wouldn't believe that I wasn't trolling him and he would never speak to me again. I couldn't remember and even though he said he loved me and he was worried about me when he had a chance to contact my family or friends while I was on social media with him he didn't. He had expressed concern cause I was suicidal but I couldn't remember him when he called me back he was upset he sounded angry but when I talked to him he started sounding sad like he believed I did have the memory issues. He questioned me on if I could ever be attracted to a man like him he's 12 years older than me and I said only if it was an exception. I didn't remember ever having actually spoken to him before but I loved his voice everytime I forgot him I remember the first thing I would say is I love hearing your voice. The first time I spoke to him I litteraly asked him if he was dating someone I was so entranced... But when we spoke last I couldn't tell this man who I couldn't remember that is was speaking to who's voice I loved, but from what I knew without being able to remember anything he was straight and married, I didn't want to push him away further by telling him I liked him or found him attractive I didn't want to gross him out so I said I didn't. I also was scared and didn't know what was going on from what I remember anytime someone brought up that I was forgetting something I started having panic/anxiety attacks. At first when he got on that call he told me he hated me and he could care less whether I committed suicide. But after we spoke for awhile he told me he hoped I never remembered him, that it would hurt me to much, that he wished he could but he couldn't talk to me anymore cause he couldn't try this anymore (I think he was mentioning it cause he told me he could only try the memory issues once).
i started remembering everything slowly the next week. It took me 2 weeks to get to a point where I could figure out who this person was and that I was even supposed to be their friend I had to get over remembering 2 major panic attacks. It was an awefull experience where I would be able to remember a happy memory or a positive and safe memory something like him telling me he would protect me or he cared for me to a negative memory like me forgetting him or hanging up on him not realizing who he was. My roomate who's also my ex and a friend, was just constantly ignoring me. He would feign like he was paying attention but wasn't. While I was having the memory issues I actually now remember I went to him a few times and begged for help and he would act like he was listening but was playing a game. Once I even dragged him off the game and panickingly explained to him a little of what was going on, he even spoke to someone but he only cared about getting back to his game. He ignored me I shouldn't have trusted him but I didn't feel I had anyone else to turn to my family ignores me as well and never pays attention to what I'm saying or feeling. My ex/friend begged me before to continue living with him and was always worried that I would stop being his friend he also knew I was suicidal. So I really thought I could trust him when I told him this person is so important to me they give me hope in life and I love them and I needed my friends help to make sure I remembered them. He was never paying attention so when I started remembering he didn't even know what I was talking about. Hes admitted to me this day he wasn't paying any attention and he should have been. He only cared when I told him I wanted to kill myself. I tried slitting my throat he called 911 and got the police to take me to the hospital. My family and friends found out. But when I got out I was still remembering things I begged them to help me with this person to get this person's attention that I needed to talk to this person. They only cared about me being suicidal not why. I told them who this person was many times and asked them to try and ask if they would speak to me again, at the time I only remembered when they told me they just wanted a friend I couldn't remember them telling me they loved me. I asked them to make sure I wasn't alone so I wouldn't be by myself while having the memory issues. When I got out they made this big fanfare of having ME visit them none of them came to see me, not once till I was constantly trying to commit suicide everyday and stayed in my bedroom and never left not once did anyone visit. I did get ahold of the guy once but he tried testing me to see if I remembered who he was I told him I was trying to contact someone very important to me a friend, but I only used his stage name when I mentioned him and he asked me what the person's real name was and I got scared and said I didn't know. He hung up and said he wouldn't help. I didn't realize till later it was him. Even still my family would contact me every once in awhile and tell me not to commit suicide but most didn't. I begged them to please try to contact this person but they never did.
My aunt told me she wanted to give me my grandparents house 9 months ago as a way to give me something to focus on other than trying to commit suicide like I was focusing on everyday. I had finally remembered everything and if I focused on suicide at least I dealt safe that nothing could ever happen bad again and I wouldn't be suffering through a depression I couldn't fix. But while she said she wants from give me the house it always followed with a "and you need to stop saying you want to commit suicide". I was finding it very hard to focus on anything other than either the person I wanted to speak to again but had no way of and believe that now they don't want to and never will. My only entertainment activities they are actually well known in and so those remind me of them making it impossible to relax and not think about them. Fixing up the house at least let me focus on something that wasn't them a little I still wanted to commit suicide and I still longed to speak to them but I was at least able to draw my mind into that. Fast forward to the present and after I gave my landlord my 30 day notice last month and now we are supposed to be moving out this month. My aunt tells me she hasn't been paying the recommended amount on the mortgage. That $12,000 is due on the 20th to pay off the loan my grandparents had put on the house and that we can't move in any longer. I work from home, so now I'll be homeless and jobless. I can't stand the idea of my grandparents house being sold outside the family. Now I have nothing to focus on and I'm hit with constantly thinking about how I wish I could still talk to the guy. I brought up to my mother how I felt and she just got upset that I wanted to commit suicide still even though I've still been saying that for the last couple months. I asked her why no one in the family cared enough to even help me try to each this guy, when it was clearly causing me so much pain that it was tipping me into suicide more than ever before. She said she cared and she had tried, so I asked her what his name was. I had told my family all about what happened once I got out of the hospital who it was I was having the memory issues about and what happened. She didn't even know his first name let alone his last... Neither did my sister and neither does my aunt or other sisters let alone my uncle even though I told them all how important he was. Not one of them even payed attention even though I begged them to ty and help find a way to contact him not one even knows his name. They always say I wish there was something I could do I wish you wouldn't feel this way. But the one thing I litteraly asked them for help with involving this and they didn't even make an effort to remember the guys name... Which honestly makes sense cause not feeling my family loves me or cares for me is one of my reasons for depression and suicidal ideation. They constantly say they would do anything to help but not one of them has tried to figure anything out aside from telling me that. They never tried to help me contact him on social media and they dont even know a thing about this man they have had a year to look up. Even my ex/friend who choked me when I was getting on his nerves or would slam me against walls and squeeze my arms or tell and scream and tell me how the guy obviously didn't care about me so I should just stop even he knew his name. Even he tried contacting him.
Am I wrong to think they should at least care enough to know his name? Am I wrong to think that had they tried to contact him maybe he would have realized I cared?
bonus am I wrong for thinking he did love me? They say he shouldn't mean anything that they should so I shouldn't be suicidal. They act like I should just be able to get over it.
