Hi notmyselfanymore,
First of all, thank you for sharing your feelings. I know it takes a lot of courage to let others know how you are feeling. I myself have been meaning to make a post sharing some of my struggles but haven't been able to yet.
I'd like to reassure you that you are not alone and many people who are older share these feelings. My own grandma who's in her 80s has shared with me that she feels suicidal at times. That was before her husband died and I can't imagine what she's going through now.
I feel a large part of why we may not often hear about older people completing suicide or even having suicidal ideation is because there is so much stigma amongst this demographic. Oftentimes people have just been told to keep quiet about family members completing suicide or that they're not working hard enough if they feel such desolate feelings or, even more abhorrently, that these feelings are a "luxury" and that they simply have too much time on their hands. Newsflash: you can't work your way out of suicidal ideation.
All of this is to say that as a society we have swept these issues (and all the valuable lives we've lost) under the rug for far too long and are reaping the fruits of our ignorance.
My love, these feelings you're having are valid and you're allowed to feel them. Make space for them and try to sit with them if you can. Try to feel and explore why it is you feel a certain way. You cannot shame your way out of these feelings. That is a trap that people often fall into (myself included). Try to turn this shame into curiosity e.g. "why do i feel like this when this happens", "why do I feel this feeling in this part of my body", "how can I calm this part of my existence". The important thing is to understand that there is always a logical explanation for these feelings, even when our thoughts seem illogical.
It's always helpful to question yourself but try to avoid falling into self doubt. That being said when you do find yourself doubting and shaming do not try to shame your way out of shame (I hope that makes sense lol). Accept that this will continue to happen and gently guide yourself back to a place of compassion and curiosity. You will continue to have dark days. You've had them before and gotten through those ones. Just focus on trying to move the dial 1% at a time.
You're worth the time it takes to learn a new skill. You're worth the time it takes to heal. You are capable of love and accepting love.
Much love
