Am I too old to feel this way?

[notmyselfanymore]

I've always heard and felt like CTB is for the young. I don't know the stats, but it seems like we rarely hear about people over 35 yrs punching their own ticket out. So, the fact that I'm older makes me even more ashamed of myself, and I start to believe the labels people put on me. It makes me feel even more like there's something wrong with me (immaturity, cowardice, developmentally delayed, naivete, etc.). A part of me knows that's ridiculous and untrue. But most of me can't help but think: Why do I screw up so much? I'm too old for this. Why am I always thinking about CTB at my age? Shouldn't I have my act together by now? Am I immature or "being dramatic" when I cry about how I've failed something again?

Does anyone else feel this way or am I alone?

 

[Darkover]

In 2022, the 50 to 59-year age group had the highest suicide rate in Japan with 23.4 suicides per 100,000 inhabitants

Japan: suicide rate by age 2022 | Statista

In 2022, the highest suicide rate in Japan was seen in the age group of 50 to 59 years, with 23.4 suicides per 100,000 inhabitants.

www.statista.com

Suicide rate in England & Wales 2021 by age | Statista

When broken down by age, 50 to 54 year olds had the highest rate of suicide in England and Wales in 2021.

www.statista.com

 

[Freyja13]

Hi notmyselfanymore,

First of all, thank you for sharing your feelings. I know it takes a lot of courage to let others know how you are feeling. I myself have been meaning to make a post sharing some of my struggles but haven't been able to yet.

I'd like to reassure you that you are not alone and many people who are older share these feelings. My own grandma who's in her 80s has shared with me that she feels suicidal at times. That was before her husband died and I can't imagine what she's going through now.

I feel a large part of why we may not often hear about older people completing suicide or even having suicidal ideation is because there is so much stigma amongst this demographic. Oftentimes people have just been told to keep quiet about family members completing suicide or that they're not working hard enough if they feel such desolate feelings or, even more abhorrently, that these feelings are a "luxury" and that they simply have too much time on their hands. Newsflash: you can't work your way out of suicidal ideation.

All of this is to say that as a society we have swept these issues (and all the valuable lives we've lost) under the rug for far too long and are reaping the fruits of our ignorance.

My love, these feelings you're having are valid and you're allowed to feel them. Make space for them and try to sit with them if you can. Try to feel and explore why it is you feel a certain way. You cannot shame your way out of these feelings. That is a trap that people often fall into (myself included). Try to turn this shame into curiosity e.g. "why do i feel like this when this happens", "why do I feel this feeling in this part of my body", "how can I calm this part of my existence". The important thing is to understand that there is always a logical explanation for these feelings, even when our thoughts seem illogical.

It's always helpful to question yourself but try to avoid falling into self doubt. That being said when you do find yourself doubting and shaming do not try to shame your way out of shame (I hope that makes sense lol). Accept that this will continue to happen and gently guide yourself back to a place of compassion and curiosity. You will continue to have dark days. You've had them before and gotten through those ones. Just focus on trying to move the dial 1% at a time.

You're worth the time it takes to learn a new skill. You're worth the time it takes to heal. You are capable of love and accepting love.

Much love

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I've always heard and felt like CTB is for the young. I don't know the stats, but it seems like we rarely hear about people over 35 yrs punching their own ticket out. So, the fact that I'm older makes me even more ashamed of myself, and I start to believe the labels people put on me. It makes me feel even more like there's something wrong with me (immaturity, cowardice, developmentally delayed, naivete, etc.). A part of me knows that's ridiculous and untrue. But most of me can't help but think: Why do I screw up so much? I'm too old for this. Why am I always thinking about CTB at my age? Shouldn't I have my act together by now? Am I immature or "being dramatic" when I cry about how I've failed something again?

Does anyone else feel this way or am I alone?

Absolutely. At 40 I should have had my shit together for a long time now. Sometimes I feel like a teenager. I see others my age and they have a house, kids, all that stuff. And I have a death wish lol.

 

[R_N]

Don't fall for the shame meme. All their made up labels and "achievements" won't save them from their mortality. If there is anything fair for everyone that is death.

There is nothing wrong with you unless you yourself think that. You just are like anyone else on this earth. We are all a lost cause sooner or later. Sure some situations might look better but nothing is permanent.

Try to relax here and there and whatever you decide don't let others live rent free in your mind. Humans are not that special to take them seriously. Most of them act on impulse and some of them never had any introspection or thought about things larger than this blind society.

 

[Grav]

Does anyone else feel this way or am I alone?

Definitely not alone, although you don't hear of it much. I wonder how many people keep going purely for others? Kids would a key "anchor" in that the person wouldn't want to leave the other parent alone and also have the kids know what happened. At some point those kids are old enough to understand but that's a long time coming. Not scientific but having had my mom in a nursing home and seeing others there I wonder how many "softly-ctb" just by giving up? One stat I heard was it's 5 years from entering a nursing home till death, it was part of an NPR show on depression in nursing homes.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm 42 and considered a failure in the eyes of society: I'm just a misanthropic loner who can't hold down a job for longer than a couple of weeks, has never married or had kids, lives in a cheap shithole room, and is clinically depressed and suicidal.
I couldn't give 2 fucks what people think of me or how old I am.
Yet, if you've gotta catch the bus then everything becomes meaningless.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Fifties