Story Am I rushing into CTB?

[b0s]

I'm new to SS, and I see lots of people on here with obviously a lot more experience than me. So I'm just asking for a second opinion. I'm going to tell my short story, of my shitty 2020, and all I ask is for people to listen to me, unlike my family, and not to say that my problems are not meaningful enough for the way I am feeling.
EDIT: Just so you know a bit more about me (not that anyone asked lol), I am 18 years old, and a male. I also live at home with my Mum (46), Dad (49), and brother (21).

02/01/2020
My dog died. His name was Mason (named after the character in Call Of Duty: Black Ops), and he was a french bulldog. I am not 100% sure about all the details, but I know he had cancer in his neck, and when the doctors tried to operate on him, he died in surgery.
03/01/2020-Current
My brother has had a history with drugs from as early as 15, but recently I've learnt the extent to it. I used to think he would only smoke weed in his room, but I have learnt that he is taking much more dangerous drugs such as Diazepam, along with the antidepressants that he has been prescribed, and many other drugs. I worry about him a lot, and he lives at home with me and my family, and I see the effects of the drugs he takes. Often, I feel as if I have to be the big brother in the relationship, and it hurts to see him like this, without really knowing how to help.
12/01/2020
My girlfriend broke up with me. I have struggled with depression for a while, but I grew very attached to my girlfriend. I would see her almost every day for hours each time. I still love her so much, and I believe that the time that I was in the relationship with her, my anxiety and depression depreciated, and I began to feel a lot better. Along with everything else happening in my life, this really felt like a 'kick me whilst I was down' type of situation. I can't help but think that she broke up with me because I was beginning to show signs of sadness, due to my dog's death and my brother's drug addiction. But, there is no way to know truly.
14/01/2020
The first day of the breakup went okay, I was obviously very sad, and I missed her quite a bit, but I was managing. The next day, though, when I went to school was really when I began contemplating suicide. I left school early, just because I wasn't exactly focusing in lessons anyways, and I picked up some ibuprofen on the way home, planning to overdose on them. I can see now that that decision was more of an impulse, and I hadn't researched any methods thoroughly enough to know that ODing on ibuprofen, or almost any drug without carefully planning it out, was usually not very successful. I realised after a couple of google searches that this was definitely not the method I was going out with.
14/01/2020-16/01/2020
I missed the next couple days of school, very determined to find a solution to my problem. I saw online that suicide was a permanent fix to a temporary problem, and in most cases, this is true. However, I believe my theory of life has kind of forced me into this decision. I am very interested in philosophy, particularly the work of Camus and Schopenhauer, and would love to discuss some topics with anyone else interested in philosophy. If you know much about Camus and Schopenhauer (not claiming I'm a genius because I watched a couple of youtube videos but), you would probably know that they don't really have an objective meaning of life. My parents know, unfortunately, that I want to kill myself because I mistakenly told my girlfriend whilst I was in a very low mood. They say that I will get through the problems that I am currently, and I agree with them. I probably will get through these problems. But I know that other problems will come in the future, and I don't really want to face them.

Sorry for the long read.
TL:DR - I want to kill myself, anyone else had bad experiences with rushing CTB and regret it, or think I should take some more time to think about it?
Also, if there's anything you want me to elaborate on, let me know. I'm not really in a rush right now. I know that I will do it within the next couple of months or so, and my prefered method is probably SN.

 

[Jean4]

Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here.

I always say. If you need to ask if it is time, it is not. When it is time, there will be no doubt.... because nothing else will matter.

 

[b0s]

Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here.

I always say. If you need to ask if it is time, it is not. When it is time, there will be no doubt.... because nothing else will matter.

Yeah, I've seen you specifically post that before haha. Most of the reason that I even posted this thread. Also, I am unsure of how to obtain some of the things needed to CTB, so I guess that's another reason.
I'm not really scared of dying, my belief is that after death is the same as before birth, it's more that I am pretty young, and there are a lot wiser people out there who could maybe enlighten me into I don't know really know at this point, enlighten me into something, I guess.

 

[Jean4]

Yeah, I've seen you specifically post that before haha. Most of the reason that I even posted this thread. Also, I am unsure of how to obtain some of the things needed to CTB, so I guess that's another reason.

It's the truth. My partner CTB last month. It was time when the love for his kids and myself no longer was stronger than the need to CTB.

 

[b0s]

It's the truth. My partner CTB last month. It was time when the love for his kids and myself no longer was stronger than the need to CTB.

I'm sorry to hear that, that must be difficult, for you and your kids. I've kind of come to a point in life where I don't care about anything. It does seem like your partner definitely knew when it was time, and I'm assuming nothing, in particular, made your partner felt that way, in comparison to me.

 

[Schadenfreude]

Definitely take your time about this. As you said earlier, suicide's a permanent fix to a (possibly) temporary problem. It may or may not get better, you'd never know; and you should thoroughly research the best method for you if things still go south. I can relate to you a bit; I've struggled w/ drug addiction since I was around 14, and I'm in my mid-20's now. My boyfriend recently broke up with me due to my drug addiction. I relapsed and OD'd in front of him and he told me clearly before that if I ever slipped and fucked up again, that was the end. But I couldn't help but annoying him and I could tell he is hurting as much as I am from us having to separate. I keep hoping that maybe he'll give me another chance, but even then I'm not confident in myself that I won't go and relapse again. He knows that too. And he doesn't want to get hurt either, and I don't want to hurt him again either. But I digress. I've already decided to CTB by this year, no set date yet. Already know my method.

 

[b0s]

Definitely take your time about this. As you said earlier, suicide is permanent fix to a (possibly) temporary problem. It may or may not get better, you'd never know; and you should thoroughly research the best method for you if things still go south. I can relate to you a bit; I've struggled w/ drug addiction since I was around 14, and I'm in my mid-20's now. My boyfriend recently broke up with me due to my drug addiction. I relapsed and OD'd in front of him and he told me clearly before that if I ever slipped and fucked up again, that was the end. But I couldn't help but annoying him and I could tell he is hurting as much as I am from us having to separate. I keep hoping that maybe he'll give me another chance, but even then I'm not confident in myself that I won't go and relapse again. He knows that too. And he doesn't want to get hurt either, and I don't want to hurt him either. But I digress. I've already decided to CTB by this year, no set date yet. Already know my method.

With my girlfriend, she would never admit it, but I believe one of the reasons she broke up with me is because of my suicidal tendencies. I believe that a part of her knew that I was always going to be like this, and me admitting to her immediately after she breaks up with me that I am thinking about suicide definitely does not help. Just out of curiosity, what method are you going to use? I think I am going to use SN, but it seems pretty difficult to obtain everything necessary.

 

[Schadenfreude]

With my girlfriend, she would never admit it, but I believe one of the reasons she broke up with me is because of my suicidal tendencies. I believe that a part of her knew that I was always going to be like this, and me admitting to her immediately after she breaks up with me that I am thinking about suicide definitely does not help. Just out of curiosity, what method are you going to use? I think I am going to use SN, but it seems pretty difficult to obtain everything necessary.

My ex* also knew about my suicidal tendencies; after all, I've done it before and once during our relationship. But the main problem was really the drugs, and it fucking kills me every time. If I wasn't fucking addicted and was a chronic relapser, I'd be so much happier. But at the same time, drugs gives me the reprieve I need not to off myself at the same time. I don't even know. I've learned to always keep my suicidal ideation and thoughts to myself, although there were a few rare moments it would slip out. I don't want to end up telling someone and they end up snitching to my family or something and I'd be stuck in 5150 or some shit. No thanks. My method will be fentanyl overdose.

 

[b0s]

My boyfriend also knew about my suicidal tendencies; after all, I've done it before and once during our relationship. But the main problem was really the drugs, and it fucking kills me every time. If I wasn't fucking addicted and was a chronic relapser, I'd be so much happier. But at the same time, drugs gives me the reprieve I need not to off myself at the same time. I don't even know. I've learned to always keep my suicidal ideation and thoughts to myself, although there were a few rare moments it would slip out. I don't want to end up telling someone and they end up snitching to my family or something and I'd be stuck in 5150 or some shit. No thanks. My method will be fentanyl overdose.

Yeah, I made the mistake of telling my ex-girlfriend, who then told my Mum. She wants to get me sectioned because she really does not know how to help me. She made me go on the phone to the Samaritans, and to be fair the guy was lovely but did not change my outlook on wanting to kill myself. I'm slowly trying to go back and show slow signs of improvements to reverse my mistake of telling my ex, but it will take a while.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I'm sorry all that happened to you. Only you can decide if you are rushing into it or not.

 

[b0s]

I'm sorry all that happened to you. Only you can decide if you are rushing into it or not.

I think a part of me believes that I am rushing into it. Hence, I made this post. But that could just be because all of this happened so quickly, and I'm just double-checking that I am not acting out of impulse.

 

[SonOfSam]

It may or may not get better, you'd never know;

I think that's an important quote.

Welcome @b0s. Can I just say that in your OP, your mental clarity and thoughtfulness are apparent. I'm quite jealous as my thoughts are often very scattered and hard to convey. I relate a lot to your story. It seems like a lot of things have really piled up in the new year.

Spoiler: small sad rant don't read

I have a pitbull that's 14, and he's maybe got a month left. My cat also passed last month. Neither of those things seem to bother me though, in fact I really have distanced myself from them*writing this saddens me* because I mourned the inevitable many years ago when I was a teenager. I was so in love with my dog my heart broke at the thought of him leaving me. Now I don't pay attention to him at all, even though I think he still needs me.

I'm sorry for your loss. Relationships are also tough to get over. I haven't had one in maybe four years, but I had several long-term relationships in highschool and early college.

I told myself when I was 21 (2 years ago) that I was grateful I hadn't killed myself among many close encounters. I'm not sure if it was a specific event or if I learned something new, but I knew that I was glad to have gained whatever it was. Even though as young "adults" we feel as though things begin to stagnate, less changes and more of the same, things do still change (much slower). It's not until one is 25 that the brain is fully developed, so I think it's a bit much to be trying to live in a world when we haven't even reached full capacity.

You seem like an intelligent lad, and it's not necessarily ignorant people who want to commit suicide. I have felt like the more I know in general, the more weight is placed on my shoulders, more stress, and more of a feeling to ctb. Something was brought up earlier about CBT. Have you tried that to help your depression?

 

[SnowWhite]

They say that I will get through the problems that I am currently, and I agree with them. I probably will get through these problems. But I know that other problems will come in the future, and I don't really want to face them.

I understand where you're coming from here. The feeling that no matter how well you take current issues in your stride, the knowledge that more issues will come along make it difficult, almost impossible, to see yourself continue to fight an upward struggle.

Obviously, not being in your boots, I've no real clue of how much of an impact all of this has had on you. But as others have said, only you will know if you're rushing into it. I think it might be a good idea to reflect on how you've dealt with previous struggles and the impact that they've had on you at the time, but ultimately that's your own decision in the end.

 

[TAW122]

That's a lot of shitty things to happen in a short span of time and very sorry to hear about all this, especially when they come in quick succession. I don't think I could determine whether it is rushed or not, only you know the answer yourself. One thing to consider is that if you decide to go and choose a method (in your case, SN), make sure you research it as THOROUGHLY as possible and consult as many people on here and carefully plan your exit. I am not very familiar with SN and all the details, but I think Stan (a former user) had written a very thorough guide on it. Just make sure you know all the steps of the method and process before attempting.

 

[b0s]

Spoiler: small sad rant don't read

I have a pitbull that's 14, and he's maybe got a month left. My cat also passed last month. Neither of those things seem to bother me though, in fact I really have distanced myself from them*writing this saddens me* because I mourned the inevitable many years ago when I was a teenager. I was so in love with my dog my heart broke at the thought of him leaving me. Now I don't pay attention to him at all, even though I think he still needs me.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog and cat. It's difficult losing pets because you become very attached to them. In my case, I had no opportunity to even detach myself from my dog, though I probably would have. I can definitely relate to that. You may feel guilty about it, and I don't know your situation, but in my situation, try and spend a bit more time with him just before he goes. Especially if you know it will be soon, otherwise, you might regret it. You never know, it doesn't hurt to try.

Welcome @b0s. Can I just say that in your OP, your mental clarity and thoughtfulness are apparent. I'm quite jealous as my thoughts are often very scattered and hard to convey. I relate a lot to your story. It seems like a lot of things have really piled up in the new year.

Thank you. I thought throughout writing it that my thoughts were scattered, so it's relieving to hear this. The main reason I feel behind writing this whole thread was because of the fact that all of these things happened in such a short amount of time, and I'm just trying to gather information as to not regret it.

I told myself when I was 21 (2 years ago) that I was grateful I hadn't killed myself among many close encounters. I'm not sure if it was a specific event or if I learned something new, but I knew that I was glad to have gained whatever it was. Even though as young "adults" we feel as though things begin to stagnate, less changes and more of the same, things do still change (much slower). It's not until one is 25 that the brain is fully developed, so I think it's a bit much to be trying to live in a world when we haven't even reached full capacity.

You seem like an intelligent lad, and it's not necessarily ignorant people who want to commit suicide. I have felt like the more I know in general, the more weight is placed on my shoulders, more stress, and more of a feeling to ctb. Something was brought up earlier about CBT. Have you tried that to help your depression?

I am currently in therapy, but I am almost too scared to completely open up about the extent that I want to CTB. I'm not sure how you knew that I was in CBT, because I looked up and I can't see any mention of it, but it is quite weird that you knew. Whilst I was in my relationship, it did seem like the therapy was helping with my general anxiety, and I began to stop myself before making stupid decisions and creating arguments with my ex-girlfriend over silly things. But I feel that if I were to tell my therapist about how I actually feel, I may be sectioned or something, which I definitely do not want.

I understand where you're coming from here. The feeling that no matter how well you take current issues in your stride, the knowledge that more issues will come along make it difficult, almost impossible, to see yourself continue to fight an upward struggle.

Obviously, not being in your boots, I've no real clue of how much of an impact all of this has had on you. But as others have said, only you will know if you're rushing into it. I think it might be a good idea to reflect on how you've dealt with previous struggles and the impact that they've had on you at the time, but ultimately that's your own decision in the end.

You perfectly described the way I feel. I can view that many people have a shitty time and then try and rush into suicide because of current problems. I've had a pretty regular life, and my dog dying is the closest family I've ever had to die in my entire life - literally cannot recount anything of this magnitude. As the post suggests, I am going to try and reflect as long as I need, but at the moment, I feel as if I am pretty sure I want to ctb.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

You will know when it's your time.

 

[Jean4]

You will know when it's your time.

You learn well grasshopper ;)

 

[b0s]

That's a lot of shitty things to happen in a short span of time and very sorry to hear about all this, especially when they come in quick succession. I don't think I could determine whether it is rushed or not, only you know the answer yourself. One thing to consider is that if you decide to go and choose a method (in your case, SN), make sure you research it as THOROUGHLY as possible and consult as many people on here and carefully plan your exit. I am not very familiar with SN and all the details, but I think Stan (a former user) had written a very thorough guide on it. Just make sure you know all the steps of the method and process before attempting.

Yeah, I saw Stan's method on the guide. The problem is, it misses out a quite large portion about how to make the SN drink. I assume it's just water and 15-ish grams of SN mixed in, but I will be sure to plan my exit carefully. The last thing I would ever want is to survive the attempt and carry on with limited brain function.

 

[Tempeste]

The fact you're asking is pretty indicative that you aren't ready.
Impulsive choices are not often solid...there's no reason not to take a breather, think about all your issues and possible solutions. Then is ctb seems like what you want, after thoughtful deliberation, you'll be comfortable with the decision not second guessing yourself.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope for peace for you. Peace of mind and of heart and of spirit

 

[SonOfSam]

I am currently in therapy, but I am almost too scared to completely open up about the extent that I want to CTB. I'm not sure how you knew that I was in CBT, because I looked up and I can't see any mention of it, but it is quite weird that you knew.

It definitely is a hard thing to admit to anyone. I guess it would be the easiest here to open up about it. I'm lucky I found a therapist I liked and could admit that to, but it took a long time. I wouldn't say it if you don't want to go to the hospital, but if you haven't gone once I would at least go.

I didn't know you were in CBT I was just suggesting it based on your post. Have you found it helpful at all?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Here are my thoughts.

I agree that if you have to ask, it is indeed rushing.

What I glean from your post is that you recognize challenges and suffering happen in life, and that you haven't learned effective skills for managing them. Therefore it makes sense that ctb has been a lurking solution for a long time. And it makes sense to dread future challenges and suffering, because you've already experienced not having the internal or external resources to give you the confidence that you can weather them.

I'm not going to say to stop researching ctb or to take it off the table as a potential solution. That would be like saying, "Don't think about white elephants." Then you will off and on even if you don't want to. By asking questions and researching, you're empowering yourself to make an informed decision, which may end up being ctb and may not. By asking for support here, you're using an external resource, the support of others.

I'll leave the idea of ctb aside for a moment and address other things if that's okay.

Your brother....you're taking on responsibilities that are not yours and for which you are not equipped. Neither are your parents. Neither is he. But the problems are his, so he's going to have to seek out solutions if he wants them.

There's a great analogy in the book Boundaries I'm going to try to adapt for this situation. He has a yard, and you have a yard, and your parents have a yard. His yard looks like shit. Your parents put a sprinkler in his yard. It's draining their resources that they need, and their yard is starting to show signs of dehydration. You put a sprinkler in his yard, but you seriously need that sprinkler already. Your brother is not motivated to get the resources to provide water for his own yard. Take your sprinkler back. If he can't function with a shitty yard, he'll be motivated to find his own resources. He has the right to a shitty yard, but not the free, uninhibited use of others' resources.

Now if I may, I'll say something as a 48-year-old woman. If you reach 48, you will be the same person, but you will have gained experience and really fleshed out some of who you are, but there will always be potential to flesh out some latent part of yourself at any point in your life. Also, just sayin', your brain has up to 7 more years of growing before it doesn't default to rash ideas, especially ones that could kill you. So I'm sending your brain a supportive hug. In between now and 48, you have a lot of potential. You can continue to water others' yards and at 48 have a shitty yard, maybe even a shrunken yard. You can also seek out resources to learn how to water your own yard, and maybe in time have an even bigger yard. Another analogy, you can seek out how to roll with the punches of life rather than them rolling you. You can learn skills your family wasn't able to teach you. You can find support. This forum shows that there is support available in the world.

Right now it seems from what you say that it feels like life's punches are threatening to roll you off a cliff, and so you're going to annihilate your own way, thankyouverymuch. Of course, that may not be how you're experiencing things, so by all means, define yourself, don't let me or anyone else do it for you. It's just an analogy, and it may not be an accurate one.

That's all I have to say for the moment. I appreciate you posting and I'm glad you're here. If nothing I said watered your yard, that's cool.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Adding another voice to the chorus: if you have to ask, it's not time.

You are very young. I say this not to be dismissive but purely as a statement of fact. There is much ahead of you and you'll be giving up a lot of chances for a different outcome.

Inpatient beds are very scarce in the UK right now, so it's unlikely you'll be sectioned. I would advise you to ask your therapist what would happen if one of her patients told her they were thinking of suicide. This is a bit of a roundabout way to get to the subject, but she'll likely know what's going on.

As an aside, your brother's problems are not your own. It took me a very long time to realize this with my own sister. You can care about him and still go on to live your own best life.

Hang in there, and keep reading. Read as much as you can here. The emotional stuff we discuss is as important as the technical stuff. You can always find a listening ear.

 

[Carina]

I think a part of me believes that I am rushing into it. Hence, I made this post. But that could just be because all of this happened so quickly, and I'm just double-checking that I am not acting out of impulse.

I think that your post right here really does answer your question too. Granted the part of if you have to ask, you're not ready as others said does apply as I believe as well, if you think part of you even believes it--it most likely does.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting days, weeks, years, or 'forever' even . Whenever the time comes that it is the right time, at least to me (and to others), you not only will know, but you won't have to ask, but you'll know, you'll be confident, and even if challenged by others, you'd practically be continuing your plan while they're trying to talk you out of it and you wouldn't have any second thought to doing it.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I think a part of me believes that I am rushing into it. Hence, I made this post. But that could just be because all of this happened so quickly, and I'm just double-checking that I am not acting out of impulse.

It helps to talk it out. If you ever need to chat feel free

 

[b0s]

It definitely is a hard thing to admit to anyone. I guess it would be the easiest here to open up about it. I'm lucky I found a therapist I liked and could admit that to, but it took a long time. I wouldn't say it if you don't want to go to the hospital, but if you haven't gone once I would at least go.

I didn't know you were in CBT I was just suggesting it based on your post. Have you found it helpful at all?

I found it helpful with thinking about decisions before impulsively acting with emotion. It stopped me from getting into a lot of arguments with my ex-girlfriend, who suggested I go into therapy. The thing is, if I say anything to my therapist she is allowed to tell my parents for some reason, and also allowed to administer me into a hospital if she deems necessary. I have opened up about everything else, but I haven't had a session yet where I would be able to tell her everything that has happened this past week or so, so I'm still in deep thought contemplating whether I tell her the full truth.

The fact you're asking is pretty indicative that you aren't ready.
Impulsive choices are not often solid...there's no reason not to take a breather, think about all your issues and possible solutions. Then is ctb seems like what you want, after thoughtful deliberation, you'll be comfortable with the decision not second guessing yourself.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope for peace for you. Peace of mind and of heart and of spirit

Thank you. I was probably going to wait at least a couple more months or so before I even start buying the ingredients just so I'm at full clarity.

Here are my thoughts.

I agree that if you have to ask, it is indeed rushing.

What I glean from your post is that you recognize challenges and suffering happen in life, and that you haven't learned effective skills for managing them. Therefore it makes sense that ctb has been a lurking solution for a long time. And it makes sense to dread future challenges and suffering, because you've already experienced not having the internal or external resources to give you the confidence that you can weather them.

I'm not going to say to stop researching ctb or to take it off the table as a potential solution. That would be like saying, "Don't think about white elephants." Then you will off and on even if you don't want to. By asking questions and researching, you're empowering yourself to make an informed decision, which may end up being ctb and may not. By asking for support here, you're using an external resource, the support of others.

I'll leave the idea of ctb aside for a moment and address other things if that's okay.

Your brother....you're taking on responsibilities that are not yours and for which you are not equipped. Neither are your parents. Neither is he. But the problems are his, so he's going to have to seek out solutions if he wants them.

There's a great analogy in the book Boundaries I'm going to try to adapt for this situation. He has a yard, and you have a yard, and your parents have a yard. His yard looks like shit. Your parents put a sprinkler in his yard. It's draining their resources that they need, and their yard is starting to show signs of dehydration. You put a sprinkler in his yard, but you seriously need that sprinkler already. Your brother is not motivated to get the resources to provide water for his own yard. Take your sprinkler back. If he can't function with a shitty yard, he'll be motivated to find his own resources. He has the right to a shitty yard, but not the free, uninhibited use of others' resources.

Now if I may, I'll say something as a 48-year-old woman. If you reach 48, you will be the same person, but you will have gained experience and really fleshed out some of who you are, but there will always be potential to flesh out some latent part of yourself at any point in your life. Also, just sayin', your brain has up to 7 more years of growing before it doesn't default to rash ideas, especially ones that could kill you. So I'm sending your brain a supportive hug. In between now and 48, you have a lot of potential. You can continue to water others' yards and at 48 have a shitty yard, maybe even a shrunken yard. You can also seek out resources to learn how to water your own yard, and maybe in time have an even bigger yard. Another analogy, you can seek out how to roll with the punches of life rather than them rolling you. You can learn skills your family wasn't able to teach you. You can find support. This forum shows that there is support available in the world.

Right now it seems from what you say that it feels like life's punches are threatening to roll you off a cliff, and so you're going to annihilate your own way, thankyouverymuch. Of course, that may not be how you're experiencing things, so by all means, define yourself, don't let me or anyone else do it for you. It's just an analogy, and it may not be an accurate one.

That's all I have to say for the moment. I appreciate you posting and I'm glad you're here. If nothing I said watered your yard, that's cool.

Wow that was absolutely amazing. That analogy was very powerful. Ever since very young, I've always been one to take on every single problem, and try and fix every single one of them simultaneously. When I can't fix the problems, I become very frustrated. Unfortunately, my problem right now is more with life rather than the actual issues at heart. Someone else replied with a good depiction on how I feel right now.
"I understand where you're coming from here. The feeling that no matter how well you take current issues in your stride, the knowledge that more issues will come along make it difficult, almost impossible, to see yourself continue to fight an upward struggle."
Taking in a lot of information from everyone else's replies, I think I am going to try and take some more time to think about whether I will ctb. It's the last decision I will ever have to make, in a way, so I shouldn't rush it.

Adding another voice to the chorus: if you have to ask, it's not time.

You are very young. I say this not to be dismissive but purely as a statement of fact. There is much ahead of you and you'll be giving up a lot of chances for a different outcome.

Inpatient beds are very scarce in the UK right now, so it's unlikely you'll be sectioned. I would advise you to ask your therapist what would happen if one of her patients told her they were thinking of suicide. This is a bit of a roundabout way to get to the subject, but she'll likely know what's going on.

As an aside, your brother's problems are not your own. It took me a very long time to realize this with my own sister. You can care about him and still go on to live your own best life.

Hang in there, and keep reading. Read as much as you can here. The emotional stuff we discuss is as important as the technical stuff. You can always find a listening ear.

Yeah, I agree that I am very young. From a very early age, I've been told that I'm above average intelligence, a genius, blah blah blah. Through adolescence, I had a very big head, most likely due to my parents and family constantly supporting every one of my achievements (which is not a bad thing), but when I got to secondary school, it was a shock to the system to see that there were much smarter people than me who are much harder-working, and will be much more successful than me. I'm a strong believer that I can always learn more, and this post is evidence of that. I will continue reading, it helps me a lot to see what other people are going through, and how others are responding, trying to assist them. Thank you for your message.

It helps to talk it out. If you ever need to chat feel free

Yeah, in the short time that I've been on this forum, I've been given such amazing responses, much more helpful than anyone else in my life currently. Thank you for being there.