Discussion Am I really suicidal?

[suicidepanda]

Here's another thing I've been meaning to talk about.

this one comes from a personal place, so I'll be talking about myself here and my experiences.

first I would like to ask a question to you all:

Have you ever set up a suicide to fail on purpose/bailed out of a suicide just in time, for attention? Have you ever faked CTB so that others around you would understand the severity of your case?

I have. Should I be ashamed?

I've been neglected and emotionally abused my entire life. In and out of relationships where they manipulated and played with my head. I've been called ugly, useless, disgusting, by people who I had been dating at the time. Why? I don't know. I've been the best person I can be.

I just wanted people to understand. I wanted them to see that something was wrong.

In 2021, I overdosed on pills. before it all began to set in, I cried, and told on myself. I was brought to the hospital, and then eventually the psych hospital, my favorite place. I feel so safe there. I feel comforted. the sterile smell, the white walls and bright lights. I don't think I would've ever gotten that help if I hadn't bailed out on my CTB.

Now, I am still suicidal. Or so I think, am I truly suicidal, or am I just a pussy, too afraid to get help by myself and had to falsely commit in order for people to realize the severity?

 

[Innereye]

You like the psych hospital? Can't say I'm with you there mate. No I've never had a staged attempt..

 

[suicidepanda]

You like the psych hospital? Can't say I'm with you there mate. No I've never had a staged attempt..

I know it's strange, but it brings me a sense of security I've never had in my life before.

 

[SeonSeia]

You can be both, can't you? If the psych hospital is your favorite place, doesn't that mean something? You're really the only one who knows if you're truly suicidal or not. Do you really want to die? Are you suicidal or do you want help? I suppose you could also be both.

 

[suicidepanda]

You can be both, can't you? If the psych hospital is your favorite place, doesn't that mean something? You're really the only one who knows if you're truly suicidal or not. Do you really want to die? Are you suicidal or do you want help? I suppose you could also be both.

I get confused sometimes myself. It's like that gut wrenching feeling that maybe, maybe there's a possibility I'm faking all this just to make people feel bad for me. Even though I've taken it to the extent of almost suicide, and injuring myself greatly. It's true that I'm the only one who can really know, but at times it feels like my head is a jumbled up mess.

 

[ogerpon]

I don't think you should be ashamed. Lots of people do things "for attention"; humans are social animals. I've been to the hospital multiple times before I could even go through with an attempt, either I was shoddy with my planning and I was found out or I slipped up with my words. I can't say that I like it, my stays have traumatized me honestly, but I can see why someone would. It helped me to get on disability since having multiple stays "proved" my mental illnesses are "serious enough" that I can't be a functioning member of society, and I've gotten access to services I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. I know people where they went voluntarily so they could get access to meds since waiting lists are long. Hospitals are tools that people can use to their advantage if they have the means to (time/money).

You can be suicidal and want help. Many people are. I question myself on my symptoms a lot, whether or not I'm "faking" them, and what I usually say is this: either way, I'm in a lot of pain. It's OK if I'm wrong, I can learn what the right thing is later, what's important is the suffering I'm going through now and how that's determining my life and actions. The "why" doesn't have to be set in stone.

 

[SVEN]

Perhaps if you try to analyse what it is which so appeals about the Hospital it may assist you in thinking things through.
Is it having a settled routine where meals, bedtime, wake up time etc is all arranged and provided for you.
Perhaps group therapy sessions, or even one to one counselling afford you reassurance and validate your self worth.
Since joining this group some 24 hours ago you've posted advising others how to cope with loneliness, sought opinions on the morality of ctb, explained why you don't feel SN would likely be a suitable choice for yourself.
Do you feel it would be helpful for you to examine what leads you to seek the views of strangers on all these subjects ?
These are just the type of queries Community Psychiatric Nurses & Psychiatrists prompted me to address to myself, so as we are all individuals they may have no relevance to you, in which case just ignore them and move on by this post.

 

[suicidepanda]

Perhaps if you try to analyse what it is which so appeals about the Hospital it may assist you in thinking things through.
Is it having a settled routine where meals, bedtime, wake up time etc is all arranged and provided for you.
Perhaps group therapy sessions, or even one to one counselling afford you reassurance and validate your self worth.
Since joining this group some 24 hours ago you've posted advising others how to cope with loneliness, sought opinions on the morality of ctb, explained why you don't feel SN would likely be a suitable choice for yourself.
Do you feel it would be helpful for you to examine what leads you to seek the views of strangers on all these subjects ?
These are just the type of queries Community Psychiatric Nurses & Psychiatrists prompted me to address to myself, so as we are all individuals they may have no relevance to you, in which case just ignore them and move on by this post.

I see what you're saying and I'm grateful for your insight. This does have relevance to me, but if I had to be completely and fully honest with you, I don't know what leads me to seek these answers from strangers. maybe I have an easier time getting my thoughts out to strangers, it just makes me feel more comfortable.

 

[SVEN]

I see what you're saying and I'm grateful for your insight. This does have relevance to me, but if I had to be completely and fully honest with you, I don't know what leads me to seek these answers from strangers. maybe I have an easier time getting my thoughts out to strangers, it just makes me feel more comfortable.

The answers of others, no matter how genuine (and online that can never be taken for granted) will always tend to enable you to deflect your inner conflicts to a more academic discussion which need have no impact on your inner "real" self, I suspect.