Discussion Am I really suicidal or just want to prove a point?

[lostangel]

Well, I saw a post on reddit with the same question and I was wondering if I am truly suicidal or I just want to kill myself to prove that Im depressed and suicidal. Bear with me. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor that I'm depressed and I feel I'm gone past the point of recovery. But I believe I have been depressed for 4 years and suicidal for 2 years. I don't know now if im suicidal or if im just obsessed with it. I can't stop thinking about it. Sometimes I dont feel sad I just feel numb. Can anyone relate to me or understand where Im coming from?

 

[Darkmornings]

Sometimes I feel like I want to prove a point. I feel like I'm not in control of my life and it pisses me off. I hate reading things like "think positive" or "love yourself" because even if I do those things my life is still shit. Things are out of my control except my death. My family and friends have also abandoned me and sometimes I feel like my death will be pay back. I believe my mom thinks I'm lying about being depressed and suicidal. I'd love for her to blame herself forever. (Btw, I didnt tell her she found out by snooping that I had attempted to ctb)

On the other hand I do get very depressed and it contributes to the demise of my life. I also have anxiety attacks that make it difficult to function. I hate society. I hate living. Next week I will be homeless and living on the streets. I'm pissed. I did my due diligents and I'm fucking homeless. So yeah I want to ctb for good reason also.

 

[not_a_robot]

Sort of. People try to back you into a corner about it. Like they are daring you to do it or force you to admit you don't want to, and as soon as they do that you feel obligated to prove them wrong, but then that makes it about them, so you don't want to do it. I wanted to die a long time because ppl were so horrible to me, now I have been alive a long time because I realize they want me to do it and I can't give them the satisfaction.

 

[Tortured_empath]

I feel like I've been wronged by life/people so much that I could see it as a way to prove a point; to not play along in whatever sadistic games they come up with anymore; to let them know that this is serious fucking business. Also in my experience; noone cares if you're suicidal, but when you do it; suddenly everyone cares. But purely killing yourself to prove a point seems extreme, yes.

Most of the 'help' and 'sympathy' I have recieved has just been a way for them to get their own peace of mind; and I understand, noone wants to carry the burden of a suicidal person.

But my real motivation is just to escape. My life is probably somewhere along 80-90% pain and then the 10% occasional happiness (which I think is just chemicals scrambling; because there's no actual reason for me to be happy). I'd gladly trade all that for an eternity of nonexistance.

 

[Jean Améry]

Killing oneself to prove one was indeed suicidal and depressed seems extreme to me. If you're keen on an official diagnosis go see a shrink. He/she'll happily 'diagnose' you with all kinds of shit.

Alternatively you can diagnose yourself. Depression: https://www.psycom.net/depression-definition-dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria/. If you regularly think about suicide (specifically your own) especially when you're actively planning it you're suicidal: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/kc/suicidal-thoughts-ideation-193026.

Welcome to the club.

 

[dandan]

Next week I will be homeless and living on the streets. I'm pissed. I did my due diligents and I'm fucking homeless. So yeah I want to ctb for good reason also.

are you really going homeless darkmornings? damm... im so sorry if this is happening, I couldnt stand that. damm... shitty existance, only struggling and doing and having good results and the possiblity of having sex with a pretty caring kinda of loving female, make things kind of bearable

but back to you, damm, really homeless? im so sorry
I dont want that to happen to me , but then again, if I dont work or improve in my job, thats where I'll be...

 

[NBreatheMe]

Not exactly but there's something similar happening in my mind. I'm tired, that's the problem, I feel like I could just turn off my self for a couple of weeks and that will be enough.
It's a little bit silly, but I wonder if I really want to die or just want to stop and let myself go, no more pretending to be okay, no more hiding my tears, no more questions, no more talking when I don't want to, no more listening to my family complaning, no more acting like I belive in people's lies, no more problems, no more responsabilities, no more doing somenthing when I can't even concentrate.
I've been thinking rehab could be a great option for me, but where I live it's almost impossible to get that kind of help, so my doubt it's pointless anyway.

 

[Darkmornings]

are you really going homeless darkmornings? damm... im so sorry if this is happening, I couldnt stand that. damm... shitty existance, only struggling and doing and having good results and the possiblity of having sex with a pretty caring kinda of loving female, make things kind of bearable

but back to you, damm, really homeless? im so sorry
I dont want that to happen to me , but then again, if I dont work or improve in my job, thats where I'll be...

Yeah. Unfortunately this is true. Tuesday I'll be sleeping on the streets. I dont do drugs, not an alcoholic, college education, worked consistently all of my life. A few unfortunate events and here I am. I wont bother with details but some people were out to destroy my life and they won. I'll take some of the blame. I let depression and anxiety get the best of me. My first thought was to ctb but I'm going to try my best to keep going. Wish me luck.

 

[dandan]

Yeah. Unfortunately this is true. Tuesday I'll be sleeping on the streets. I dont do drugs, not an alcoholic, college education, worked consistently all of my life. A few unfortunate events and here I am. I wont bother with details but some people were out to destroy my life and they won. I'll take some of the blame. I let depression and anxiety get the best of me. My first thought was to ctb but I'm going to try my best to keep going. Wish me luck.

Definitely I wish you best of luck!