Discussion am i ready?

[stupidmonkey]

i've been in this place countless times. where everything is as bad as it seems it can get. where all i can think of is death. i'll have a plan, a day picked out etc. then it gets closer and for some reason i get scared. i don't know if it's because i'm afraid of failure, afraid of dying, or because i think it's not my time. but none of that makes sense because if everything is as bad as i think then why i do i feel so held back? does anyone else experience this? any advice or words would be helpful

 

[Whyami]

Hi,

It's quite normal it's the SI (survival instinct) doing his job unfortunately. It's hard to defeat but some people managed to do it. What method did you choose? Maybe you're not sure about the method.

 

[William01]

Hi can relate exactly. Reading your text was like my feelings wrote down. Si is the thing. I have sn and trying to get my head around si thing at present

 

[stupidmonkey]

Hi,

It's quite normal it's the SI (survival instinct) doing his job unfortunately. It's hard to defeat but some people managed to do it. What method did you choose? Maybe you're not sure about the method.

i chose SWB. it sounded to be painless and fast for the most part. i had never heard of it even after years of scouring the internet for ways that aren't painful. before this i had mostly thought of hanging myself and that always held me back because it seemed so painful and that's how my mom CTB. earlier today i made myself pass out with the hyperventilating technique but i wasn't able to do it again. i only tried a couple times though. i know i'm a burden and it'd be better if i wasn't here i just feel held back

 

[John Ryder]

It sucks, but the thing about this is it's something only you can truly know. No matter how detailed an explanation of your situation and mindset you offered up, the best anyone here could give you is a lot of tryhard armchair psychology. People even differ in their motive for posing this question: Some are looking for that last push to go through with things, others seek validation sticking around and giving life a try. The only certainty here seems to be SI...even the most hopeless and determined seem to run head first into that brick wall despite the most carefully laid plans or sheer desperation. But from your description it sounds like we're in the same place, wherever that is. Don't rush anything, don't beat yourself up. Self doubt, obsessive thoughts about things and people left behind, sudden second guesses about the afterlife for even the devout atheist...I don't care what anyone says, this shit is scary.

 

[KarmicRain]

Reasons for fearing death change depending on the person. I think it could just be a mix of everything at once: death itself, failure, and maybe regrets?
Death of course coming from plain survival instinct on top of growing up in a world you're constantly told it's bad. really it's the only way out of living hell
Fear of failure's just you being a rational human seeing potential consequences. It'd suck if it failed which is why you'd have to constantly look into success rates and maybe make failsafes in case of a sudden change of mind. Planning shit out and setting a date for the it helps calm you down a bit.
Finally regrets. At this point, it's something that I've found sits in the back of my head and probably always will until I die but it just never feels worth the effort to try anymore. I think the regrets are something everyone has a part of in them but take a while to really come to terms with.

 

[stupidmonkey]

It sucks, but the thing about this is it's something only you can truly know. No matter how detailed an explanation of your situation and mindset you offered up, the best anyone here could give you is a lot of tryhard armchair psychology. People even differ in their motive for posing this question: Some are looking for that last push to go through with things, others seek validation sticking around and giving life a try. The only certainty here seems to be SI...even the most hopeless and determined seem to run head first into that brick wall despite the most carefully laid plans or sheer desperation. But from your description it sounds like we're in the same place, wherever that is. Don't rush anything, don't beat yourself up. Self doubt, obsessive thoughts about things and people left behind, sudden second guesses about the afterlife for even the devout atheist...I don't care what anyone says, this shit is scary.

thank you. i feel this is the most logical answer

 

[Obliviate]

I was suppose to be gone already but as I get closer I keep making up excuses because I'm scared, the process of your body shutting down, dying and then wtf happens after we close our eyes and how our body transforms, maybe to the other side, if the after life exists, what's gonna happen to our physical body etc etc it is indeed scary and what you are feeling is absolutely normal. It's like I wanna go when I am at peace and feel like I'm done living/fulfilled but I wanna go before something else bad happens.

 

[jesusdied69]

This is normal, take each day as it is, you'll know when you're ready.

 

[John Ryder]

thank you. i feel this is the most logical answer

Well I'm not sure about that, but it's what makes sense to me. Mostly stemming from posing this kind of question myself before (not here, but elsewhere) and analyzing my own reasons for doing so. I just concluded it was something no one else could truly convince me of one way or the other.

 

[stupidmonkey]

for some reason everytime i get close to CTB it starts to make me more motivated to try and get my life together…. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE