Hi everyone,
I've been going back and forth on whether to join the site but things have reached a point where I feel like I have no other outlet. Thank you to anyone who will hear my story.
Some current context...I've been in therapy and on meds for nearly a decade. Unfortunately, my therapist, who I valued and respected greatly, passed away suddenly some years ago. He was a great comfort and help, but I never fully overcame my demons even under his care.
I've experienced suicidal thoughts and ideation since I was 10 years old. The first instance I recall was admitting to my grandmother that I wanted to die because I was a "bad son" and didn't deserve to live. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household where my sibling and I were constantly criticized, beaten and ostracized by a mentally ill parent. Unfortunately, said parent was a victim in their own youth of similar circumstances and either unwittingly or willfully carried it over to another generation. For all the bad, there was much good and every success I have is due to their guidance and tutelage. I have forgiven my parent knowing what they went through and we enjoy a much better relationship now than in my youth.
But for myself, I have experienced these consistent existential crises of feeling constant regret, inadequacy, frustration and futility. I feel like I can't relate to most people and don't understand them. I have a solid core of friends but they have their own issues and I have exhausted them with my inability to solve mine. Most have criticized or discounted me for feeling as I do because from a societal standpoint I've achieved most of what our culture deems "successful."
But the older I get, early 30s now, the more I regret and suffer, the more I feel that I have wasted my life by focusing solely on school and work to fill the voids I could not realize in my youth or even now. I've never been in a committed relationship, I've never been able to open up to someone on that level, I've never been satisfied with anything I've achieved or undertaken.
I even feel like my posting here is unworthy, as though I'm whining and complaining and am not worth your time and attention. But the sadness and despair are real, the feelings of uselessness and anger only increase each day.
I suppose I'm still here on earth either out of habit or because my inner perfectionist fears botching any legitimate attempt to end it all. And I've wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up for so long. It's getting to that point where I feel like one bad day will provide the courage and impetus to do what I have failed to and should have done years ago.
I've been going back and forth on whether to join the site but things have reached a point where I feel like I have no other outlet. Thank you to anyone who will hear my story.
Some current context...I've been in therapy and on meds for nearly a decade. Unfortunately, my therapist, who I valued and respected greatly, passed away suddenly some years ago. He was a great comfort and help, but I never fully overcame my demons even under his care.
I've experienced suicidal thoughts and ideation since I was 10 years old. The first instance I recall was admitting to my grandmother that I wanted to die because I was a "bad son" and didn't deserve to live. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household where my sibling and I were constantly criticized, beaten and ostracized by a mentally ill parent. Unfortunately, said parent was a victim in their own youth of similar circumstances and either unwittingly or willfully carried it over to another generation. For all the bad, there was much good and every success I have is due to their guidance and tutelage. I have forgiven my parent knowing what they went through and we enjoy a much better relationship now than in my youth.
But for myself, I have experienced these consistent existential crises of feeling constant regret, inadequacy, frustration and futility. I feel like I can't relate to most people and don't understand them. I have a solid core of friends but they have their own issues and I have exhausted them with my inability to solve mine. Most have criticized or discounted me for feeling as I do because from a societal standpoint I've achieved most of what our culture deems "successful."
But the older I get, early 30s now, the more I regret and suffer, the more I feel that I have wasted my life by focusing solely on school and work to fill the voids I could not realize in my youth or even now. I've never been in a committed relationship, I've never been able to open up to someone on that level, I've never been satisfied with anything I've achieved or undertaken.
I even feel like my posting here is unworthy, as though I'm whining and complaining and am not worth your time and attention. But the sadness and despair are real, the feelings of uselessness and anger only increase each day.
I suppose I'm still here on earth either out of habit or because my inner perfectionist fears botching any legitimate attempt to end it all. And I've wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up for so long. It's getting to that point where I feel like one bad day will provide the courage and impetus to do what I have failed to and should have done years ago.
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