Am I just being too selfish?

[JustTrying]

Hey guys - this world is so against CTB... so I can only post things hear.
I'd thought I'd never be on the side of considering it, but recently, in the midst of confusion, I am actually thinking CTB alot - then just forgetting it.

so here it goes....you guys tell me if you think it is worth CTB, or I am just a sorry ass guy that needs to man up more.

My wife is a realistic and straight forward. I'm idealistic and positive. So when we got married I thought it is a good balance.

But the way we communicate is totally different, and it feels like it is mentally eating me out alive more than it does with my spouse.
She adopted pretty quickly so it seems like she has improved and feels less stressed about how I communicate, but I'm still struggling.

I try to be mindful what I say, while my wife has no filters and tells me everything.
That includes mean opinions, saying that I am incapable and comparing me with some of her friends, and telling when I achieved something that it is not good enough and not being happy about.
( ex, 1. my friend is making this and he's your age, why can't you be more capable ? 2.when I got a promo at work, she was more pissed off than me because the salary increase wasn't enough, and again, mentioning why am I so stupid and not capable of making more money...)......and of course, occasional doghouse treatment.

I understand that spouses can tell you these things, but hearing them frequently really brings my confidence down, and my motivation down, especially from the ones you love. and it's not like I'm not trying - I really want her to be financially free, so she is working hard, I am working hard, and I am trying to get some certification to improve my career chances, and trying to look for a side hustle. ...etc...

And also she complains about me a lot...and every time she complains, she tells me that I'm slow, I'm stupid and I lack common sense...and of course, that I lack capability....

I tried to be positive all this time as I have always been in the past, but I also need encouragements as well - she saids she encourages me alot because she is not the kind of person that encourages people, but to me, I don't feel it at all - and that encouragement from loved ones makes a light year difference on how I perform and do things - I've told her this so many times, and she has improved, but her complaints I feel has gotten worse as well.

I'm pretty sure she has put up with my flaws and I am thankful for that, but I've put up with her constant nagging and complaints. It is brining both of us down and I just have a hard time dealing with her and avoiding communications with her.

and these days every time I hear something like that from her, I feel like CTB....am I just being too sissy?

 

[Life_and_Death]

she shouldnt be saying those things to you. i obviously cant say whether or not shes doing it on purpose, but its completely understandable why you would feel that way. shes not treating you right.

 

[vuberpoot1]

In my personal opinion, I think you may need to consider divorcing your spouse. It sounds like she is not treating you well, and has some deeply seeded disdain for you for some reason. I'm no therapist, but it's obvious to me that she's treating you very poorly and doesn't seem concerned enough about you to stop making you feel so terribly.
However, you may also just need to communicate a little more! I think it's totally possible that she just doesn't understand the way you feel, and you may not have clearly expressed that to her. Maybe you should just sit her down, and have a long 1-2 hour conversation about this. And remember, you're not a "sissy" or "not man enough" for feeling the way you feel, anyone who says that is a toxic bum that just wants to bring you down. You still have a chance.

 

[tiger b]

Not necessarily sissy, no. Communication mismatch is real.

Marrying someone to create a balance is admirable, but as an idealist you're going to be wounded. Probably a lot more than you'd care for, even when you're trying to see the whole picture.

I'd suggest it's probably not done on purpose and they are probably not capable of much change in this area. To them, they are being normal, it seems. You probably feel you have to do too much of the compromising regarding communication?

You do not necessarily have to stay with this person for the rest of your life. I'd consider that before considering CTB over this issue. Admitting a communication mismatch is not a failure. We're all wired different.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Sorry dude, but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship.
You don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

she was more pissed off than me because the salary increase wasn't enough, and again, mentioning why am I so stupid and not capable of making more money...)......and of course, occasional doghouse treatment.

she tells me that I'm slow, I'm stupid and I lack common sense...and of course, that I lack capability....

Honestly, from what you've written this sounds abusive. I don't think it's a matter of differences in "communication". No one who loves you should be telling you you're stupid. Imagine if you were to say these things to her.

I obviously can't tell you what you should do. But often being in abusive situations can lead someone toward thoughts of self-harm. I would consider rethinking your relationship versus immediately going to CTB.

 

[spinningmyself]

Hey guys - this world is so against CTB... so I can only post things hear.
I'd thought I'd never be on the side of considering it, but recently, in the midst of confusion, I am actually thinking CTB alot - then just forgetting it.

so here it goes....you guys tell me if you think it is worth CTB, or I am just a sorry ass guy that needs to man up more.

My wife is a realistic and straight forward. I'm idealistic and positive. So when we got married I thought it is a good balance.

But the way we communicate is totally different, and it feels like it is mentally eating me out alive more than it does with my spouse.
She adopted pretty quickly so it seems like she has improved and feels less stressed about how I communicate, but I'm still struggling.

I try to be mindful what I say, while my wife has no filters and tells me everything.
That includes mean opinions, saying that I am incapable and comparing me with some of her friends, and telling when I achieved something that it is not good enough and not being happy about.
( ex, 1. my friend is making this and he's your age, why can't you be more capable ? 2.when I got a promo at work, she was more pissed off than me because the salary increase wasn't enough, and again, mentioning why am I so stupid and not capable of making more money...)......and of course, occasional doghouse treatment.

I understand that spouses can tell you these things, but hearing them frequently really brings my confidence down, and my motivation down, especially from the ones you love. and it's not like I'm not trying - I really want her to be financially free, so she is working hard, I am working hard, and I am trying to get some certification to improve my career chances, and trying to look for a side hustle. ...etc...

And also she complains about me a lot...and every time she complains, she tells me that I'm slow, I'm stupid and I lack common sense...and of course, that I lack capability....

I tried to be positive all this time as I have always been in the past, but I also need encouragements as well - she saids she encourages me alot because she is not the kind of person that encourages people, but to me, I don't feel it at all - and that encouragement from loved ones makes a light year difference on how I perform and do things - I've told her this so many times, and she has improved, but her complaints I feel has gotten worse as well.

I'm pretty sure she has put up with my flaws and I am thankful for that, but I've put up with her constant nagging and complaints. It is brining both of us down and I just have a hard time dealing with her and avoiding communications with her.

and these days every time I hear something like that from her, I feel like CTB....am I just being too sissy?

That doesn't sound healthy at all. She sounds like a bully to me. I know I nagged my husband alot, I am a naggy kind of person but that is just plain mean. She might think she is doing you a favor idk but it just sounds mean and demeaning to me. I am sorry you are going through that. It is not right or helpful to say stuff like that.

 

[diseasedstreetcat]

Many people in this thread have already reflected the feeling, but yes, the situation here is clearly abuse and you should highly consider divorcing your spouse. I feel your life is going to dramatically improve upon doing so.

there is no such thing as a person "loving" you if they constantly aim to shoot you down and harass and belittle you for things you have no control over.

She has flaws i doubt she's interested on working in or even aknowledging; it may be daunting to consider the consequences of such a parting and the feeling of being by yourself, but as someone on the greener side, i can tell you that having people who genuinely love you and respect you, or even no one at all, is the obvious, far better choice than being imprisioned with someone who constantly harms you.

so here it goes....you guys tell me if you think it is worth CTB, or I am just a sorry ass guy that needs to man up more.

by the way, remove "man up" from your vocabulary. It is a terrible saying. rooted in the idea that the mental health and emotions of men are to be disregarded for the convenience of others. It is untrue and stupid, no one should be made to bottle up your feelings and adjust themselves to a ideal identity just to be treated with basic respect.

Apologies if i come off too strongly opinionated, but this ideology has poisoned the lives of many of my friends and aqquaintainces and just makes the world a worse place in general. you deserve better.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

by the way, remove "man up" from your vocabulary. It is a terrible saying. rooted in the idea that the mental health and emotions of men are to be disregarded for the convenience of others. It is untrue and stupid, no one should be made to bottle up your feelings and adjust themselves to a ideal identity just to be treated with basic respect.

 

[JustTrying]

thank you and I appreciate all your replies...
seems like CTB is not the way to go and it is good to withdraw for now and seek another path....

I am pretty sure I say mean things to her - but I try to hold it back because it is not nice..
but I am human too, and when she keeps saying mean things, it does trigger me as well and I explode. (every time she compares me with "more capable" men she was prior relationship with.....I do explode too..and I think she knows this.)

 

[tiger b]

Perhaps consider a venting thread, just to let it all out, if you are at that point?