Am I in love with suicide?

[Flau]

Um... It feels so weird but for so long, so many years I've been attracted to suicidal thoughts daily. I'm suicidal myself, and... It's rather weird what's happening in my brain.

On one hand it sucks ans I just want to live a "normal & acceptable" life, be less disturbing and upset at all times. I don't want to scare people anymore whenever this topic occurs.

On the other hand one thought of actually dealing harm to myself makes me happy in a way. I feel joy when people talk about death, I enjoy the topic of suicide, movies, songs about it. I love leaving scars on my skin and it just seems to me as if I'm addicted to it as I would be addited to a drug.

It feels good to be a part of this website. It's fun to think of all the nasty things I could do to myself if I were to die. I smile when I talk about self elimination in front of people and they just stare at me with fear/confusion in their eyes. But for real... It's funny to me. It brings me joy.

I think I'm fucked up in the head but I do have some chemistry going on in my chest whenever I can bring suicide into a conversation.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can kinda relate except for the elf-harm part. I hate pain!

However, I'm obsessed with death and suicide too. Also, I can't stop thinking about some other stuff such as the true origin of everything, meaning of life, etc.

I guess I just hate to be a parasite in this vast universe which will never get the answers he wants.

I don't think you're fucked up in your head. You're just dealing with a lot. Living is quite hard!

 

[Makko]

Suicide is an inherently attractive thing. It's an exercise of agency and control in a world where these are in very short supply. Even when I'm not actively considering committing suicide, I enjoy reflecting on the idea of it, and it never completely leaves my mind. Over time it allows you to form a casual mental relationship with death, and you can fully love death the same way you love a person.

 

[FuneralCry]

Our minds are certainly powerful things, our thoughts can torture us and influence our whole lives. I feel the same way about being dead, I constantly romanticise it in my mind as it is everything I want, no more existing, free from pain, my only escape. My mind is fixated on the idea and fascinated by it. However I am disturbed by the thoughts of actually doing it. Maybe it is just how we cope, we form positive attachments.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I definitely understand this all too well. Used to self harm a while back. Would stand in front of a mirror and tell myself how horrible I am and how everyone hates me and I should go away for everyone's well being. All this while punching myself in the face over and over. As for suicidal thoughts? Yeah, you and I have a lot in common regarding that. Always casually and seriously saying that I want to die or kill myself even when people are close enough to hear. I don't care. Death to me is the ultimate goal now and I am starting to see it as more and more of a great and wonderful rest from the enormous pain in me. Sigh...to dance with Death closely and step away into the calming void of peace.....a dance I look forward to very much.

That said, am so sorry you feel like this. Definitely a very dark place to be and it can definitely eat your mind up quickly. As others have said, feel free to vent here or reach out to someone when you feel the need to be heard. We are here for you.

 

[Pen>Sword]

It's normal to have suicidal ideation once in a while. Is it healthy? No, especially if harming yourself is a hobby. I think it's best to see a therapist for this. Your mental health is not the only problem, your physical health is affected too. You're not supposed to do self-harm. This is a dangerous, unhealthy path to express your suicidal ideation. You're not alone based on the comment section posted here. I hope that you get better, or at the very least, stop self-harm.

 

[Sakura94]

Wanting to be erased is the only thing left that makes me feel happy. If it was easier I would be even happier having knowledge I can vanish when I want.