Venting Am I Doing the Right Thing, or Am I Just Petty?

[ShatteredQueen]

I'm researching methods and seriously planning to catch the bus. I have hit a roadblock in the form of life insurance, which was through my job. Here in the us, at least, you have to have had a life insurance policy for over two years before you commit suicide or it won't pay out. I don't want my family to be stuck tens of thousands of dollars in debt trying to bury my worthless carcus.

Anyway, any question is this: I keep on drive through all the right things. I worked my way through both a Bachelors and Masters degree, I kept my nose clean, I worked hard at every job I ever had, I always try to be a kind of decent person, I treated those around me with care and respect, I tried so hard to be there for friends and family when they needed me (although I'm usually useless and can't help much), and yet had time after time, over and over again, my life crashes and crumbles and falls apart. Despite my best efforts, and despite love of my heart, I always wanted to do the wrong thing and piss off the people I care most about. It's like everyone else has this internal guide book for being a real person, but I never get mine.

Because I'm not a real person. I am a mentally ill mess and a piece of human garbage. My very existence is a problem and burden for those around me. Simply by being here, I make everyone's life worse. I'm a monster. I don't mean to be, but I know I am a monster just for being me. I didn't ask to be me. I don't want to be me. But I'm sure everyone blames me for being me, and I can't blame them for that. I am a me, and I hate me too. I am literally unlovable.

How do I know? They scream "I'm not yelling at you!" while yelling at me. They get angry at me for acknowledging that yes, I know, I am a complete fuck up who ruins everything and scream at me that I'm a good person like they can bully me into liking me.

And I do try. I really do. I try to at least pretend I like myself even though any idiot with half a brain could clearly see that that would be impossible as I am entirely unlovable. Nonetheless, I try to keep up appearances for everybody else's sake so that they don't have to be burdened by my depression or embarrassed because I'm too sad. Back in the end, trying isn't enough and I always fuck up yet again.

I don't blame them for being angry and frustrated. I don't lame them for hating me. It's only natural. Nobody else could do otherwise. I hate me too. And at least they try to love me, they try far more than I deserve.

That's why I want to catch the bus. I want to give everyone I love freedom and the wonderful gift of a me- free life. Self-sacrifices the ultimate Act of love, giving everyone I care about a bright, glowing doorway out of the burdensome hell of dealing with me. I hate that I am the Dark Cloud that covers their sunshine, the heavy weights that drags them down, and the problem that constantly irritates, frustrates, and prevents them from having happy lives.

So I want to give them this great gift. But I want to ensure I am truly acting for the reason I think I'm acting, and not for some stupid, selfish subconscious reason. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I want to ensure that I am focusing only on the gift I am giving, the freedom I am providing, and the happiness I will calls for those I love rather than any had to hear longing for freedom myself. Because I don't deserve to be free for my own account. I don't deserve to make this choice for me. I don't deserve to escape this shit hole called life and fly free and happy into eternity. I need to make sure I am doing this for them.

Does anyone have any suggestions about meditations and such that can help ensure I am focused only on the positive things that I am providing, not upon anything selfish or self-centered? Are there any way this sandwich I can strengthen my thoughts in your blood sugar so I don't fall into happiness and selfishness? I believe that when we die, is important that we die for the right reason and with the right thoughts in our minds and hearts. Any suggestions?

Ps, I'm sorry for any typos or confusing wording in this post. I am using texts to speech because I am having trouble typing right now.

 

[ernieclementsucks1]

With all due respect I think your thought process is wrong, I'm not trying to convince you not to ctb but I don't believe doing so will make the people in your life feel better, or freer. Obviously I barely know anything, but I don't think they're lying when they say they care about you. Most people feel guilty when someone they know ctbs, even if they didn't really like them. I don't think you will be causing "happiness". Tbh, hyping this up as some benevolent action sounds like trying to convince yourself it's for others when that's not really the case. Ctbing is an inherently selfish action and there's nothing wrong with that. Once again I don't know you but I highly doubt you are this evil malicious demon you portray yourself as, and you at least deserve to be free of life if you wish.