YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
Hi community.
Currently I'm in "Recovery mode". I aim more than the recovery path rather than catch the bus in a short or middle period of legtime. The main reason that I want to live is because I came out recently as trans woman and I want to go foward to my gender transition, from the hormone therapy and legal name change. Achieve my gender identity became my primary hope and reason to keep me alive.
So, why I'm still in this group? First of all, I'm pro-choice and I don't judge anymore, including myself, if they choose to catch the bus, for any reason, or even for a lack of one. I don't believe anymore in the Bull#$&$& of pro-lifers and prevent campaigns. I recognize the importance of decision in some people who needs the comfort of death, since we're adults and owners of our own lives and doesn't belong directly to any god or goddess. So, in few words, I'm here because I recognize suicide and don't judge anymore.
Secondly, in a deep section of my mind, I'm still considering catching the bus someday. I don't know if will be in 1, 5 or 20 years, I cogitate that possibility even the main objections for not doing that is because for not repeat a "commonplace" like trans people and authors die by suicide. In this case, I will feel sorry for the trans community, since I want to see other trans people happy Anyway, the point is that I will not judge myself for doing it, despite my worries for the aftermath at my family members or friends, and, if I can achieve some fans of my works (I'm unpublished writer), I feel sorry for the imaginary fans, too.
Third: I'm pessimist about life. I'm in the side that I will stay here until life becomes unbearable, for any reason, since an global apocalypse, povetry and unemployement, aging... I enjoy the little things, like a beer, a pizza, any film or series of my preference, science fiction and fantasy books, etc... I can enjoy that little things, but that doesn't make me an pro-lifer person, only distract me for the despair and overthinking. Despite my position about suicide, I'm still in a good mood. I currently focusing in my freelance job and I start learning programming, in order to get a better job to complete my primary goal of gender transition...
So, I started to feel cynical. If I'm aiming to look for a better life, like to complete my gender transition and looking for a new carrer, why I'm still fantasize about my suicide? Why I can't resist to visit this community? And most importantly, why thinking about my suicide doesn't change my current mood and only take that as a destiny? Take me seriously: catching the bus doesn't make me miserable at all.
The real reason that makes me worry is if that way of thinking occults a sadist side of my personality, in this case, sadist against myself. I don't even cogigate violence againts others, since I respect another people's life and bodies, but I can't respect myself?
And the last thing that I will comment, is that I don't have the courage to talk this kind of issues with a professional. I don't want to judge as suicidal and throw away in a psych ward or attach to pills (I don't take a single one in my life). So, the only safe space that I have to discuss this issue, it's here.
TL;DR: Am I cynical to feel in a good mood and at the same time fantasize about CTB frequently?
Currently I'm in "Recovery mode". I aim more than the recovery path rather than catch the bus in a short or middle period of legtime. The main reason that I want to live is because I came out recently as trans woman and I want to go foward to my gender transition, from the hormone therapy and legal name change. Achieve my gender identity became my primary hope and reason to keep me alive.
So, why I'm still in this group? First of all, I'm pro-choice and I don't judge anymore, including myself, if they choose to catch the bus, for any reason, or even for a lack of one. I don't believe anymore in the Bull#$&$& of pro-lifers and prevent campaigns. I recognize the importance of decision in some people who needs the comfort of death, since we're adults and owners of our own lives and doesn't belong directly to any god or goddess. So, in few words, I'm here because I recognize suicide and don't judge anymore.
Secondly, in a deep section of my mind, I'm still considering catching the bus someday. I don't know if will be in 1, 5 or 20 years, I cogitate that possibility even the main objections for not doing that is because for not repeat a "commonplace" like trans people and authors die by suicide. In this case, I will feel sorry for the trans community, since I want to see other trans people happy Anyway, the point is that I will not judge myself for doing it, despite my worries for the aftermath at my family members or friends, and, if I can achieve some fans of my works (I'm unpublished writer), I feel sorry for the imaginary fans, too.
Third: I'm pessimist about life. I'm in the side that I will stay here until life becomes unbearable, for any reason, since an global apocalypse, povetry and unemployement, aging... I enjoy the little things, like a beer, a pizza, any film or series of my preference, science fiction and fantasy books, etc... I can enjoy that little things, but that doesn't make me an pro-lifer person, only distract me for the despair and overthinking. Despite my position about suicide, I'm still in a good mood. I currently focusing in my freelance job and I start learning programming, in order to get a better job to complete my primary goal of gender transition...
So, I started to feel cynical. If I'm aiming to look for a better life, like to complete my gender transition and looking for a new carrer, why I'm still fantasize about my suicide? Why I can't resist to visit this community? And most importantly, why thinking about my suicide doesn't change my current mood and only take that as a destiny? Take me seriously: catching the bus doesn't make me miserable at all.
The real reason that makes me worry is if that way of thinking occults a sadist side of my personality, in this case, sadist against myself. I don't even cogigate violence againts others, since I respect another people's life and bodies, but I can't respect myself?
And the last thing that I will comment, is that I don't have the courage to talk this kind of issues with a professional. I don't want to judge as suicidal and throw away in a psych ward or attach to pills (I don't take a single one in my life). So, the only safe space that I have to discuss this issue, it's here.
TL;DR: Am I cynical to feel in a good mood and at the same time fantasize about CTB frequently?
