Am I being stupid?

[foreveryoung]

I could gather all the ingredients to CTB where I am right now. But im so fixated on traveling to this country where i was born, and it makes it a lot more complicated and strenuous because i have to travel there and get all the stuff without an address. I saved up so much money just to buy a ticket to get there. But today I kind of realized none of that matters when you're dead. Today i tried to hang myself cause i thought I had enough but SI kicked in and i couldn't go through with it. I could get SN here, but its kind of risky to take it on a plane and trying to get through customs with it in another country. Im already in a country with a vast wilderness you could disappear into, and I hear lots of news of people from other countires are coming here to commit suicide.. Maybe im just fooling myself? it doesn't really matter where you die right? what do you think?

 

[Mm80]

I could gather all the ingredients to CTB where I am right now. But im so fixated on traveling to this country where i was born, and it makes it a lot more complicated and strenuous because i have to travel there and get all the stuff without an address. I saved up so much money just to buy a ticket to get there. But today I kind of realized none of that matters when you're dead. Today i tried to hang myself cause i thought I had enough but SI kicked in and i couldn't go through with it. I could get SN here, but its kind of risky to take it on a plane and trying to get through customs with it in another country. Im already in a country with a vast wilderness you could disappear into, and I hear lots of news of people from other countires are coming here to commit suicide.. Maybe im just fooling myself? it doesn't really matter where you die right? what do you think?

Hello there.
May i ask why you feel you need to go back to the country you were born? Open question no judgement.
Thanks

 

[foreveryoung]

Hello there.
May i ask why you feel you need to go back to the country you were born? Open question no judgement.
Thanks

I always had an attachment to my country. I had some opportunities to go back there at my parents expense, and i always felt as if im home there. being stupid enough to leave and getting myself in a situation where i can't get there so easily anymore is my greatest regret .Ultimately I think i'll go back, regardless if I can get the right ingredients to CTB there, I'll resort to other methods just so i can die there.

edit: tell me that im wrong, im open to others opinion, tell me what you'll do in my situation to CTB and exit this world.

 

[SettOne1994]

it doesn't really matter where you die thats true. Also taking SN in airplane is illegal where? Isnt SN basically salt? a different kind of salt but it tastes salty etc , you can aswell buy a regular salt bag or can and put it in and get over with that. The antimetics if you already have them too can be taken with prescription in a plane without fear.... This problem of going into your homecountry or desire , is deeply rooted and related to suicide a deep desire to return to the young ages of carelessness and no responsibilitys. When i did that myself i went alone 4 months in my home in my homecountry i must have developed schizophrenia i thought people discussions etc where somehow affected by other beings beyond this realm basically god and devils but now i try to supress that even if i still believe something is going on i dont declare i believe in a creator or the devil..... But you want this just to suicide in peace i guess then there is no point unless if it makes you feel at ease commiting suicide then go for it.....

 

[HopeDiesLast]

If it matters to YOU where you die, then it matters.

 

[Mm80]

I always had an attachment to my country. I had some opportunities to go back there at my parents expense, and i always felt as if im home there. being stupid enough to leave and getting myself in a situation where i can't get there so easily anymore is my greatest regret .Ultimately I think i'll go back, regardless if I can get the right ingredients to CTB there, I'll resort to other methods just so i can die there.

edit: tell me that im wrong, im open to others opinion, tell me what you'll do in my situation to CTB and exit this world.

Its a difficult one as everyones reasons are their own. Just maybe if you make the trip back to your home country you might be happier and not ctb as the place feels like home ? If this is the case brilliant. It just seems that you are very clear to go back there. Maybe try to live tgere before ctb there ?

 

[liverpoolfan]

I could gather all the ingredients to CTB where I am right now. But im so fixated on traveling to this country where i was born, and it makes it a lot more complicated and strenuous because i have to travel there and get all the stuff without an address. I saved up so much money just to buy a ticket to get there. But today I kind of realized none of that matters when you're dead. Today i tried to hang myself cause i thought I had enough but SI kicked in and i couldn't go through with it. I could get SN here, but its kind of risky to take it on a plane and trying to get through customs with it in another country. Im already in a country with a vast wilderness you could disappear into, and I hear lots of news of people from other countires are coming here to commit suicide.. Maybe im just fooling myself? it doesn't really matter where you die right? what do you think?

I live in Thailand and hate what Britain has become in the last couple of years (a mean spirited, xenophobic shit hole full of deluded racists and proto-fascist politicians). I'm not even patriotic - in fact I hate nationalism.

And yet.... I feel an atavistic urge to die in the land where I was born. I even have the exact spot in mind (a bit of English countryside which holds happy childhood memories for me) and a specific time of day (summer's evening when the light is just the right shade of gold before it starts to get dark).

So no, mate, I don't think you're stupid. I get it.

 

[helpmehelpme]

There's a fabulous podcast called Suicide or Sabbatical. Host decided she wouldn't CTB at least until money ran out. She traveled, and lives. My money for you is on traveling ...

 

[SettOne1994]

There's a fabulous podcast called Suicide or Sabbatical. Host decided she wouldn't CTB at least until money ran out. She traveled, and lives. My money for you is on traveling ...

you might be right. also wrong if the OP's intention is to somehow run from his problems and is more meaningful then just physically travelling to his homeland aka cant hide from your problems. Also he wont see anything new only something he has seen before since its his homeland.... But if that brings some peace ok

 

[helpmehelpme]

you might be right. also wrong if the OP's intention is to somehow run from his problems and is more meaningful then just physically travelling to his homeland aka cant hide from your problems. Also he wont see anything new only something he has seen before since its his homeland.... But if that brings some peace ok

True, wherever you go, there you are ... Perhaps I wanted to plug podcast. For me, won't CTB until out of money and possible solutions.

 

[SettOne1994]

True, wherever you go, there you are ... Perhaps I wanted to plug podcast. For me, won't CTB until out of money and possible solutions.

your in a good road already. My first though of cbt till 5 years now was i will CBT no matter what the circumstances. Since im not impulsive or just a lazy fuck with no real problems here i am again after 5 years haha...

 

[TAW122]

I don't think you are being stupid, but keep in mind that sometimes you could be going through more trouble than it's worth. Like others said, you may have some attachment to the particular country/place you are going to, but don't simply just accept it without doing some research and study on your own. In other words, don't make things more difficult for yourself than you need to, you do owe it to yourself to find peace whether it is to continue living or CTB'ing.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

it doesn't really matter where you die right? what do you think?

What matters to you is all that's important.

If ctb is the most important, that comes first. If something is an obstacle, either the obstacle is what you value or the ctb is.

My thoughts about logistics:

If you want to carry SN on a plane, you risk its confiscation or theft if it's in checked baggage. If you put it in carry on luggage, keep it sealed, and if it is questioned, say you have a friend or relative who is an artisan and has a hobby of dying fabric, but had a hard time obtaining it in that country and it is easier to obtain in your country. If it is still confiscated, have a backup plan to enjoy the trip and say goodbye to that country.

My thoughts on an alternative:

Ctb at home surrounded by images and music of that country.

Use the money you saved to purchase a more peaceful method.

 

[S1mpleme]

This is your life and this is your death, you may choose whatever you want. Doesn't matter where is your body, cause you won't be in this world anymore, but being alive you can go back to your country if that makes you feel better.