wildflowers1996
Mage
- Oct 14, 2023
- 560
I'm 28 now, but I keep thinking about when I was in school. I was the "weird quiet girl" and made fun of a lot. Because of my body dysmorphic disorder, I always assumed it was because I was ugly or unstylish or didn't know how to look after my appearance properly. Looking back, it may have been more to do with the fact that I was just really awkward. Probably a bit of both, idek.
Anyway there was this guy with autism who also didn't really know how to act socially and people took advantage of this and made fun of him. I didn't have anything against him but people thought it'd be fun to try to set us up. They kept encouraging him to flirt with me and he didn't realise it was making me uncomfortable.
Probably everyone else did but they kept encouraging it because it was funny to them. I remember sitting in the library and reading and him coming up to talk to me. I was always trying to avoid him, and I didn't know what to say so I would just give one word answers in the hope he would go away. I wish I had been kinder to him but I didn't want to encourage him. I feel horrible saying this, but not only was I not interested (I didn't want to be in a relationship with ANYONE whilst feeling so bad about myself), I cringed at the idea of us as a couple because we'd be two unattractive weirdos together. Anyway I just didn't know what to do so I got up and walked away from him, and then I realised there was a whole group of students all hiding together in the next part of the library who had been secretly encouraging him to do this and watching.
I hate talking about him like that because he wasn't a horrible person or anything I felt harassed, but I don't blame him, because I honestly don't think he realised how it was affecting me. It was so embarrassing though; he would come into school and tell people he'd masturbated over me, and people would get him to jump out at me pretending to be a rapist. I know he had absolutely no intention of actually hurting me but it was all so humiliating. He didn't seem to realise we were both being laughed at; I did. Then one time my peers got him to put his arm around me on the school bus and I was so uncomfortable and I knew everyone was laughing and then the teacher saw and yelled at him so much. I felt really bad afterwards, because I didn't think he was the one who should've been yelled at. He didn't mean any harm ā it was the other students who knew what they were doing. I remember his response was "I guess I'll go cut myself" and then one of the other students (who had encouraged him to put his arm round me) came up to me afterward and said "did you hear what he said? He's going to cut himself because of you".
I still feel guilty about this even now. Guilty for thinking about him in such an insulting way, and for being embarrassed by him, and for not being kinder, when I KNOW the pain of not fitting in, and being laughed at, and being undesirable, and I know he's a human being who needs connection and compassion just like everyone else. I remember he found out my address when I never gave it to him, and I was so annoyed that he must've followed me, and he once turned up at my house uninvited.
I feel bad for being annoyed; I really do. Because he was probably just really lonely. And I feel shallow and hypocritical for not being attracted to him or wanting him around me. Because I know it sucks to be rejected, and to be made to feel unattractive, undesirable. I remember a girl calling him "ugly as fuck" behind his back and just ugh. The idea of people talking about me behind my back like that hurts so much (which they probably did tbh) and I hate, HATE that my first thought is "I agree". I feel so incredibly mean, but is it really my fault for feeling that way?
Honestly I'm just mad at God for making people unattractive/socially awkward; it feels so cruel. Btw, he actually apologised to me in the end. I think eventually he realised how uncomfortable I'd been made to feel, and he admitted he just didn't know what to do so he just did what people told him to do. I am not mad at him at all. He was probably nicer and kinder than most people at my school and I kind of hate myself by feeling offput by him and being so shallow. Especially when it's not like I'm pretty myself. Ugh. I keep thinking about him and how he's probably going to have such a difficult/lonely life.
Anyway there was this guy with autism who also didn't really know how to act socially and people took advantage of this and made fun of him. I didn't have anything against him but people thought it'd be fun to try to set us up. They kept encouraging him to flirt with me and he didn't realise it was making me uncomfortable.
Probably everyone else did but they kept encouraging it because it was funny to them. I remember sitting in the library and reading and him coming up to talk to me. I was always trying to avoid him, and I didn't know what to say so I would just give one word answers in the hope he would go away. I wish I had been kinder to him but I didn't want to encourage him. I feel horrible saying this, but not only was I not interested (I didn't want to be in a relationship with ANYONE whilst feeling so bad about myself), I cringed at the idea of us as a couple because we'd be two unattractive weirdos together. Anyway I just didn't know what to do so I got up and walked away from him, and then I realised there was a whole group of students all hiding together in the next part of the library who had been secretly encouraging him to do this and watching.
I hate talking about him like that because he wasn't a horrible person or anything I felt harassed, but I don't blame him, because I honestly don't think he realised how it was affecting me. It was so embarrassing though; he would come into school and tell people he'd masturbated over me, and people would get him to jump out at me pretending to be a rapist. I know he had absolutely no intention of actually hurting me but it was all so humiliating. He didn't seem to realise we were both being laughed at; I did. Then one time my peers got him to put his arm around me on the school bus and I was so uncomfortable and I knew everyone was laughing and then the teacher saw and yelled at him so much. I felt really bad afterwards, because I didn't think he was the one who should've been yelled at. He didn't mean any harm ā it was the other students who knew what they were doing. I remember his response was "I guess I'll go cut myself" and then one of the other students (who had encouraged him to put his arm round me) came up to me afterward and said "did you hear what he said? He's going to cut himself because of you".
I still feel guilty about this even now. Guilty for thinking about him in such an insulting way, and for being embarrassed by him, and for not being kinder, when I KNOW the pain of not fitting in, and being laughed at, and being undesirable, and I know he's a human being who needs connection and compassion just like everyone else. I remember he found out my address when I never gave it to him, and I was so annoyed that he must've followed me, and he once turned up at my house uninvited.
I feel bad for being annoyed; I really do. Because he was probably just really lonely. And I feel shallow and hypocritical for not being attracted to him or wanting him around me. Because I know it sucks to be rejected, and to be made to feel unattractive, undesirable. I remember a girl calling him "ugly as fuck" behind his back and just ugh. The idea of people talking about me behind my back like that hurts so much (which they probably did tbh) and I hate, HATE that my first thought is "I agree". I feel so incredibly mean, but is it really my fault for feeling that way?
Honestly I'm just mad at God for making people unattractive/socially awkward; it feels so cruel. Btw, he actually apologised to me in the end. I think eventually he realised how uncomfortable I'd been made to feel, and he admitted he just didn't know what to do so he just did what people told him to do. I am not mad at him at all. He was probably nicer and kinder than most people at my school and I kind of hate myself by feeling offput by him and being so shallow. Especially when it's not like I'm pretty myself. Ugh. I keep thinking about him and how he's probably going to have such a difficult/lonely life.
