Venting Am i a bad person?

[goodoldnoname923]

Truth be told I genuinely don't know i often think and feel and imagine alot of things

I hear many different opinions and views of people i feel differently on the matter everyday i have people telling me i'm good and people telling me i'm evil but genuinely idfk

I don't know how or what to feel like i know away from my keyboard i've been crying alot lately visionalising my own death i used to think alot about the happy memories i could have or could've had

I just don't know what is wrong with my brain like i struggle to be human I wouldn't say i don't have emotions because they certainly exist but sometimes i feel shut off to them and for some reason i struggle to often express or talk about these other thoughts and feelings i have like when i write shit down my mind shifts

If i talk in person my mind is different its like the mind that thinks my month that speaks and my fingers that type all say different things I can't describe it

I constantly get obessed by what people think of me i cling to them I've never had a solid group of people around me telling me "yea your not a bad person but you have your issues" i just…i don't know what to believe my friend blue really made me believe i was a good person but based on what she thinks of me now based on what i've heard about me from her and many other things even when i try to justify or even understand why i did what i did or felt the way i felt i just don't think i can

Wether i'm redeemable or not feels completely irrelevant to me…i wanted to redeem myself with her…the girl i loved…the girl i saw a future with…the girl that did everything she could…the girl i felt i could be honest with even though looking back i never fully was…i wish i had expressed my affection for her more and opened up about how i felt

Called her by the pet name i gave her,complimented her on her appearance and how cute i thought she was her voice and laugh i loved when i heard them…there was so much i loved about her but i never fucking told her because i felt I couldn't

She wasn't my girlfriend…and i feel its only now i realise you can compliment a girl on her appearance and stuff done respectfully but i never wanted to…but i wish i had showed gratitude more

I wish we had done more and spoke about other things i wish i had given her space and trusted her more…i wish…i had been better to her i wish i had been better to myself

I just wish growing up i had more the right people around me that i did more that i had more going on for myself,that my brain and mind wasn't formed in the way it is…i just wish i was normal i wish i could turn back time i wish i coulr get my life back…i wish I hadn't wasted my life…i wish i could form anr mantain human connections…i wish i wasn't so toxic and hurt people…i wish i was able to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself without bothering people or express or vent about them in a noun toxic way…i wish I wasn't so numb i wish i could be happy i wish i didnt hate myself and the world so much i wish i didn't hid my emotions growing up i wish I would've understood my emotions and problems better

I want people to understand me yet i don't understand myself,i want people to feel pity for me yet do i deserve it?

I honestly wish people could genuinely read my mind and thoughts and feelings and know truly what was going on because the endless doubt and invalidating of my feelings saying i'm faking shit or doing it for attention or my feelings are fake…just tires me and only increases my self of imposter syndrome

Before blue left i felt perplexed as it came out of nowhere i felt it was maybe handled poorly but i tried to reflect and understand what i did wrong and how i could correct shit but as time went on the situation got progressively worse…too a point well…aleast now i know she's happy that should be the main thing right?


I just want my bluebear to be happy…and i just want to be gone…forever and if those want to piss and defline my grave…do so

Maybe i was misunderstood,maybe i was just a monster…i don't know

 

[bFre3]

It's a hard question, isn't it?

I personally don't believe that people are good or bad. We just are. We were brought here so suddenly, so we're bound to make mistakes. I don't exactly know what you've done, but at the very least I can tell you that you're not a bad person, at least in my books. You're just a person like everyone. That doesn't necessarily excuse your wrongdoings, but it's just a different way to think.

I won't tell you to 'learn from your mistakes' or something similar. How you decide to live is your choice, after all. But please, don't dehumanise yourself.

On a sidenote, for the part where you describe feeling disconnected to your emotions, I'd say have a look at 'depersonalisation'. It might be similar to what you're feelings.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

It's a hard question, isn't it?

I personally don't believe that people are good or bad. We just are. We were brought here so suddenly, so we're bound to make mistakes. I don't exactly know what you've done, but at the very least I can tell you that you're not a bad person, at least in my books. You're just a person like everyone. That doesn't necessarily excuse your wrongdoings, but it's just a different way to think.

I won't tell you to 'learn from your mistakes' or something similar. How you decide to live is your choice, after all. But please, don't dehumanise yourself.

On a sidenote, for the part where you describe feeling disconnected to your emotions, I'd say have a look at 'depersonalisation'. It might be similar to what you're feelings.

I consistently make the same mistakes though and thats what concerns me,I personally believe i want to learn and improve them and sometimes i feel i have yet idk

She saw hope in me for 6 years and then went on to call me "helpless" despite giving nothing but kind bullshit to my face it just…idk did they really care idrk maybe she was manipulated maybe thats how she really felt all those years

As for humanisation it's honestly difficult when you have so many people calling you all these horrible things like monster manipulator psychopath attention seeker and all these invalidating terms

And i'll be sure to look at depersonalisation thank you

 

[scarlet-pixie]

I relate to a lot of this. I've had a lot of different people I cared for, trusted and relied on hurt me in mant different ways. And throughout all of that I got made to feel like a problem, like a monster, like I was something gross and evil for having needs and emotions like everyone else.

It's taken me years to get to the point where I can truly say to myself that I was hurt, and that I don't need to justify why it's right for me to be so. The last two times I had lost friends, they both said that they were uncomfortable with me and abandoned me, both for the same reasons too, and I don't think they were entirely wrong to feel that way either. I guess for me atleast what helped me was just the realisation that being wrong and being wronged aren't exclusive to eachother. What they did to me hurt me in a way I won't ever forget, and at the same time it also doesn't matter whether they were "in the right" or not, because my own feelings and my own pain are still just as real as anyone else's.

I'm not sure how helpful this is for you. Your post is a bit old now, I know this type of pain doesn't fade away easy but I still hope you're feeling better.