David Foster Wallace described this. Though he experienced it in even way worse way. More extreme than me. Though I know what he means.
I am often obsessed to create a certain impression of me in the mind of other people. Often I try to sound smart. Though I cannot really enjoy it. There are multiple reasons for that. It might be pathetic to be that obsessed by what other people think of me. I feel like a loser for that. Though my obsession is that strong that this negative effect is not that strong. In secret it gives me my last remaining self-esteem.
I feel like an extreme fraud or imposter. I always act like I was very smart but very intelligent people can see through my charade. Like this professor who I met one time.
Currently I am getting a little bit manic symptoms because I could impress some people with my skills. Though the truth is I am just very good at deceiving people. I spend everyday extreme time in education just in order to impress other people. At the end many people recognize that I act like I was extremely smart but this does not fit the reality.
Here is where the feeling described in the title comes into play. I am so scared to embarrass myself in front of the people who I impressed with my skills. The truth is I just prepared myself a lot in order to impress them. And I already acted like an idiot in front of them. So I already embarrassed myself. In my brain there is this fight. Oen part of me cringes extreme due to the dumb comment which I made. The other part is like enthusiastic because I could impress them the other time.
I think here is often where the manic cylce beginns. In order to impress them further I have to invest more and more time into education. I am like a prisoner. Though I have some rules which have the intention to prevent that.
I am pretty scared that the people can/will see thorugh my charade. They will recognize that I am a pathetic fraud. Though I try to forget about that feeling. It has a huge destructive impact on me. It is very unheatlhy. As I said this can increase my mania a lot.
I am often obsessed to create a certain impression of me in the mind of other people. Often I try to sound smart. Though I cannot really enjoy it. There are multiple reasons for that. It might be pathetic to be that obsessed by what other people think of me. I feel like a loser for that. Though my obsession is that strong that this negative effect is not that strong. In secret it gives me my last remaining self-esteem.
I feel like an extreme fraud or imposter. I always act like I was very smart but very intelligent people can see through my charade. Like this professor who I met one time.
Currently I am getting a little bit manic symptoms because I could impress some people with my skills. Though the truth is I am just very good at deceiving people. I spend everyday extreme time in education just in order to impress other people. At the end many people recognize that I act like I was extremely smart but this does not fit the reality.
Here is where the feeling described in the title comes into play. I am so scared to embarrass myself in front of the people who I impressed with my skills. The truth is I just prepared myself a lot in order to impress them. And I already acted like an idiot in front of them. So I already embarrassed myself. In my brain there is this fight. Oen part of me cringes extreme due to the dumb comment which I made. The other part is like enthusiastic because I could impress them the other time.
I think here is often where the manic cylce beginns. In order to impress them further I have to invest more and more time into education. I am like a prisoner. Though I have some rules which have the intention to prevent that.
I am pretty scared that the people can/will see thorugh my charade. They will recognize that I am a pathetic fraud. Though I try to forget about that feeling. It has a huge destructive impact on me. It is very unheatlhy. As I said this can increase my mania a lot.
