Venting always too scared

[followingfate]

my partner, so confident that I would never get my hands on the gun, or know how to use it.
I told him not to keep it around, because I would try to kill myself.

well he left it in the case in the car. kept the key on his key ring. and he fell asleep.
a couple minutes of googling and I had it loaded; safety on.

if I were feeling as horrible as I were yesterday, I would've done it. I'm sure I'll regret not doing it.
I stole the extra key to it, if I ever feel so awful again. hoping he doesn't notice. really hoping.
because when I get so depressed again, a pull of the trigger won't be so hard.

but right now, I'm still shaking from the adrenaline. both from holding an actual gun, and from the fear of what would happen if my partner found out.

but I told him.. I told him.. if I'm depressed enough, I'll do anything to get my hands on it. and this slip up was practically a freebie. but I told him.. and I knew he'd slip up like this. he never listens, but maybe he'll learn..

I wish i was brave. I know I'll regret not doing it. I know I will.

 

[makethepainstop]

SI does seem to work that way. Hugs! It's just not the right time yet. Love to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all actually going through with ctb is not easy. I think that for many people it can be difficult to let go of the fears associated with ctb. I wish you relief from suffering.