OptingOutSmiling
Arcanist
- Nov 25, 2024
- 439
Caution: Long post, please don't feel obliged to read about the complications of love, I just need to get it off my chest and out there.
It took me a while to think I understand, then I've always been a bit slow. I sent my heart away when my love decided to leave me. But what is the heart? The Japanese, e.g., refers to "kokoro" as the heart/mind/spirit/soul. So, without a heart, what is left? (I'm from a western country).
I sent my heart away because I refuse to feel what we would normally ascribe to be feelings of the heart. I refuse to cry, because then this nightmare would be real, and he would really be gone. That was seven months ago. No tears. Just emptiness, blackness, a void. He is still in my mind though, that should then mean the brain but in western terms the mind is greater than the brain, is it not who we are, our personality, character, our memories and perceived reality?
Here's the complicated bit. We still love each other, but circumstances are just impossible now, and there is a promise of a future, but that could take years. I refuse to let the heart know this. It's better for the heart to be dead. Because if I let the heart live, it can lead to destruction of the mind, for the heart will let the mind/brain go lost. And I cannot lose my mind, that is what the fight is about here, not to end up with an empty head, so to speak.
I realise now this is a kind of survival mode that I've placed myself in. A deadness of the inside, for a fear of feelings again to interfere with the mind. Because when he decided to leave, it felt like I was going to lose my mind, and this I cannot allow. I understand now why I'm like an empty shell with no ability or desire to connect to anything or anyone around me. Because it doesn't matter, I'm dead or dying inside.
I understand now this survival mode is in preparation for the day when the reality of saying goodbye will come, it will simply be a formality. A ritual of the body leaving, the empty shell that is here now without a heart, without a life inside, simply existing or pretending to be. I guess it is only that small hope in my mind that I'm holding onto, and if I keep on blocking the heart from returning to the body, the me inside will continue to die. I refuse to let the hope go, and at the same time it's that refusal that is killing me inside, because in hoping I also need to hold on to the blackness for a fear of feeling.
A vicious circle? I know I'm making it complicated with the heart/mind/soul thing. If I sum it up correctly, the body feels empty, void of the heart's feelings, which kills the soul, and the mind is holding on to whatever, which is nothing really without the soul. The mind is going to get tired of the blackness and eventually decide it's time to go. Is this a normal response? Does it make sense? Is it the understanding that comes in the process of finding peace before leaving? It's kind of scary.
If you made it to here, I thank you for your time and apologise if it's just a stupid vent. Love should be simple, but I got that too late.
It took me a while to think I understand, then I've always been a bit slow. I sent my heart away when my love decided to leave me. But what is the heart? The Japanese, e.g., refers to "kokoro" as the heart/mind/spirit/soul. So, without a heart, what is left? (I'm from a western country).
I sent my heart away because I refuse to feel what we would normally ascribe to be feelings of the heart. I refuse to cry, because then this nightmare would be real, and he would really be gone. That was seven months ago. No tears. Just emptiness, blackness, a void. He is still in my mind though, that should then mean the brain but in western terms the mind is greater than the brain, is it not who we are, our personality, character, our memories and perceived reality?
Here's the complicated bit. We still love each other, but circumstances are just impossible now, and there is a promise of a future, but that could take years. I refuse to let the heart know this. It's better for the heart to be dead. Because if I let the heart live, it can lead to destruction of the mind, for the heart will let the mind/brain go lost. And I cannot lose my mind, that is what the fight is about here, not to end up with an empty head, so to speak.
I realise now this is a kind of survival mode that I've placed myself in. A deadness of the inside, for a fear of feelings again to interfere with the mind. Because when he decided to leave, it felt like I was going to lose my mind, and this I cannot allow. I understand now why I'm like an empty shell with no ability or desire to connect to anything or anyone around me. Because it doesn't matter, I'm dead or dying inside.
I understand now this survival mode is in preparation for the day when the reality of saying goodbye will come, it will simply be a formality. A ritual of the body leaving, the empty shell that is here now without a heart, without a life inside, simply existing or pretending to be. I guess it is only that small hope in my mind that I'm holding onto, and if I keep on blocking the heart from returning to the body, the me inside will continue to die. I refuse to let the hope go, and at the same time it's that refusal that is killing me inside, because in hoping I also need to hold on to the blackness for a fear of feeling.
A vicious circle? I know I'm making it complicated with the heart/mind/soul thing. If I sum it up correctly, the body feels empty, void of the heart's feelings, which kills the soul, and the mind is holding on to whatever, which is nothing really without the soul. The mind is going to get tired of the blackness and eventually decide it's time to go. Is this a normal response? Does it make sense? Is it the understanding that comes in the process of finding peace before leaving? It's kind of scary.
If you made it to here, I thank you for your time and apologise if it's just a stupid vent. Love should be simple, but I got that too late.
