loslassen
call me jvne
- Dec 8, 2023
- 149
I really need to vent about this, its been bothering me for a long time but I didnt want to touch the topic in hopes of things getting better and not needing to after all.
when I was young my mom abandoned me and my family because she was too depressed to be with us in a tough time, ikr, revealing. and when we moved in to where she waa staying with her family my dad left becuase he couldn't handle her and her family's constant psychological abuse. I know it's just trauma, that if I believed I could get much better or my life would change I could work and move on from, but that is not the case, I am mentally exhausted, and physically trapped.
Im not of age to move out on my own yet, I sell stuff online to make money sometimes but it's not stable and I don't have any friends I could move in with, hangout with or trust enough with my issues for that matter. My mom has my dad sued since whatever even though we live with him and she doesn't even send us money often or like a divorced parent should… reality is I'm not an adult, not psychologically not economically not independent, just a number. my dad's been out of town for two weeks now, saying he'll come back every day but hasn't, we've been eating super cheap stuff and trying to live through it, my mom sometimes talks to me but there's days where she doesn't even text. I feel abandoned again, and it doesn't help my sisters been super down too, and Ive been cheering her up and doing stuff for her and what not, I just ask for alone time in return. She's mean to me often even though we believe we have comprehension of each other, it's a double bladed knife I guess.
my boyfriend is amazing, he keeps me alive because if it wasn't for him I'd be dead by now, but he can't relieve me from all the substancial stuff that has me cornered, he can't really do anything about the people who harm me and I can't run from. It's an online relationship, so I feel bad being suicidal in general, with all the time and love and effort he has put into me. but I'm so sick, so tired of everything, not to mention my chronic illness and terrible health, Im starting to see everyday as just another day, of the same feelings, the same miserable routine. It's such a waste because I have so much interest in many things, I read and write and do art, but it all feels like an escape to my little education and social development. I feel like I can't really achieve anything, which is frustrating for an ambitious person like me. I really feel like flipping a coin because maybe if I don't kill myself in 5 years I'll be really happy, but 5 years is too much for me, I'm genuinely, truthfully exhausted from holding on for dear life, not to mention other economic traumatic experiences.
im alone eating, and I'll go to my room alone, and the question flashes through my head, what if I attempted right now? hanging in the closet seems nice, there's really not a lot left unsaid, just some letters I'd write.
but the more I think about it the less I think I should, my sister is home after all and she might bring her boyfriend home later.
when I was young my mom abandoned me and my family because she was too depressed to be with us in a tough time, ikr, revealing. and when we moved in to where she waa staying with her family my dad left becuase he couldn't handle her and her family's constant psychological abuse. I know it's just trauma, that if I believed I could get much better or my life would change I could work and move on from, but that is not the case, I am mentally exhausted, and physically trapped.
Im not of age to move out on my own yet, I sell stuff online to make money sometimes but it's not stable and I don't have any friends I could move in with, hangout with or trust enough with my issues for that matter. My mom has my dad sued since whatever even though we live with him and she doesn't even send us money often or like a divorced parent should… reality is I'm not an adult, not psychologically not economically not independent, just a number. my dad's been out of town for two weeks now, saying he'll come back every day but hasn't, we've been eating super cheap stuff and trying to live through it, my mom sometimes talks to me but there's days where she doesn't even text. I feel abandoned again, and it doesn't help my sisters been super down too, and Ive been cheering her up and doing stuff for her and what not, I just ask for alone time in return. She's mean to me often even though we believe we have comprehension of each other, it's a double bladed knife I guess.
my boyfriend is amazing, he keeps me alive because if it wasn't for him I'd be dead by now, but he can't relieve me from all the substancial stuff that has me cornered, he can't really do anything about the people who harm me and I can't run from. It's an online relationship, so I feel bad being suicidal in general, with all the time and love and effort he has put into me. but I'm so sick, so tired of everything, not to mention my chronic illness and terrible health, Im starting to see everyday as just another day, of the same feelings, the same miserable routine. It's such a waste because I have so much interest in many things, I read and write and do art, but it all feels like an escape to my little education and social development. I feel like I can't really achieve anything, which is frustrating for an ambitious person like me. I really feel like flipping a coin because maybe if I don't kill myself in 5 years I'll be really happy, but 5 years is too much for me, I'm genuinely, truthfully exhausted from holding on for dear life, not to mention other economic traumatic experiences.
im alone eating, and I'll go to my room alone, and the question flashes through my head, what if I attempted right now? hanging in the closet seems nice, there's really not a lot left unsaid, just some letters I'd write.
but the more I think about it the less I think I should, my sister is home after all and she might bring her boyfriend home later.
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