NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
I just want to apologize. A few have said to me to find another method. That mines is horrible.
I really thought what do they know. I've done as much research as I could. I was wrong and those few were right. But so am I.
What I mean by that is as far as symptoms..yes those could be....but also it may not....none of us really know because none of us have ingested it.
And let's say you actually did...doesn't mean that will be my experience.
Needless to say after those comments my fear and anxiety is through the roof.
Depression has ruined my memory but one memory that came to me was my first attempt.
I think I was 12.
I was home alone.
I grabbed a glass and filled it with lemonade and we had roaches so I grabbed the can of roach spray.
I sprayed as much as I could and drank it.
Oddly I don't recall any smell or taste.
I think I snitched on myself to what I thought was my friend thinking I was gonna die and I wanted to say goodbye.
I don't remember anything after that.
I do remember the odd and horrific feeling of getting my stomach pumped.
I remember a CPS worker.
I remember my dad came but he didn't stay...I don't think he said much to me.
My most vivid memory and what has stayed with me is my mom asked me why...I don't know what or if I said anything.
I remember the look on her face and she said you know if you would of died I would have to go on with my life.
At that moment I wished I had died cause why would she say that to me.
As much as it hurt...being an adult now and looking back I understand that at the time she thought it was attention seeking and not a real cry for help.
She probably felt unappreciated and embarrassed because her motherhood was being judged.
Over the years our relationship has been horrible but knowing what I'm facing.
I don't want to hurt my mom. I know she's going through so much with the decline of my sister's mental health and the kids.
That must be alot at 60 and you're still taking care of someone and her kids and her Rollercoaster emotions.
I still plan on doing it but now I feel I have more empathy and concern and forgiveness for my mom.
I didn't sleep well.
My heart is racing and so loud that it woke me at 5 a.m.
My body is shaking and I just feel sick.
The fear is really at me.
But I see that 12 year old who was brave and fearless.
So as terrified as I am I gotta be that 12 year old girl who always knew she couldn't live this life.
I have pushed the date to after Christmas. Christmas hasn't been a good holiday for me since probably 10 years old. Despite that and my strained family. I don't wanna hurt my mom during this time. I don't wanna hurt my sister and the kids.
Even if they really don't care And are waiting for that call.
Even if they move on quickly.
Just incase I don't wanna hurt them.
Today I'm gonna finish trying to pack up more stuff.
Probably cry, zone out procrastinating and listening to Billie Eillish Listen Before I Go over and over.
I know I'm not alone in how I feel.
But I feel so alone.
I really thought what do they know. I've done as much research as I could. I was wrong and those few were right. But so am I.
What I mean by that is as far as symptoms..yes those could be....but also it may not....none of us really know because none of us have ingested it.
And let's say you actually did...doesn't mean that will be my experience.
Needless to say after those comments my fear and anxiety is through the roof.
Depression has ruined my memory but one memory that came to me was my first attempt.
I think I was 12.
I was home alone.
I grabbed a glass and filled it with lemonade and we had roaches so I grabbed the can of roach spray.
I sprayed as much as I could and drank it.
Oddly I don't recall any smell or taste.
I think I snitched on myself to what I thought was my friend thinking I was gonna die and I wanted to say goodbye.
I don't remember anything after that.
I do remember the odd and horrific feeling of getting my stomach pumped.
I remember a CPS worker.
I remember my dad came but he didn't stay...I don't think he said much to me.
My most vivid memory and what has stayed with me is my mom asked me why...I don't know what or if I said anything.
I remember the look on her face and she said you know if you would of died I would have to go on with my life.
At that moment I wished I had died cause why would she say that to me.
As much as it hurt...being an adult now and looking back I understand that at the time she thought it was attention seeking and not a real cry for help.
She probably felt unappreciated and embarrassed because her motherhood was being judged.
Over the years our relationship has been horrible but knowing what I'm facing.
I don't want to hurt my mom. I know she's going through so much with the decline of my sister's mental health and the kids.
That must be alot at 60 and you're still taking care of someone and her kids and her Rollercoaster emotions.
I still plan on doing it but now I feel I have more empathy and concern and forgiveness for my mom.
I didn't sleep well.
My heart is racing and so loud that it woke me at 5 a.m.
My body is shaking and I just feel sick.
The fear is really at me.
But I see that 12 year old who was brave and fearless.
So as terrified as I am I gotta be that 12 year old girl who always knew she couldn't live this life.
I have pushed the date to after Christmas. Christmas hasn't been a good holiday for me since probably 10 years old. Despite that and my strained family. I don't wanna hurt my mom during this time. I don't wanna hurt my sister and the kids.
Even if they really don't care And are waiting for that call.
Even if they move on quickly.
Just incase I don't wanna hurt them.
Today I'm gonna finish trying to pack up more stuff.
Probably cry, zone out procrastinating and listening to Billie Eillish Listen Before I Go over and over.
I know I'm not alone in how I feel.
But I feel so alone.
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