Venting almost got disowned, ruminating about ctb extra now

[sera]

I'm crushed. I've always tried and tried with my parents, but I've reached a breaking point. Dad threatened to disown me, Mom was crying. I feel nothing. I'm angry, but I feel numb. It's chilling to know that my parents are this way, the people who are supposedly there to love me unconditionally. They try to help me by getting me appointments with doctors and specialists, but they're so done with me to the point that Dad wants to fucking disown me. I wish I could up and run. I wish I were brave enough to actually ctb. Maybe I'm going insane because I'm off my SSRI right now. I feel so lonely. It feels like no one but my cat understands me. I feel trapped. If I could run away, I would. Every day I'm here is hell, and I don't know if I'll ever escape.

Feeling trapped and alone is terrifying, and I know I shouldn't feel like my life is over... I'm 21 and supposedly my whole life is ahead of me. But I keep fantasizing about dying, and knowing so many people here have done it... I'm obsessing over it. I go through page after page of the forum, reading through different people's goodbye posts, getting strangely attached to people I've never met before who've struggled the same as I am now.

I almost hope my dad kicks me out of the house. Maybe then I'll actually work up the nerve to ctb myself. I wish I had the strength and fortitude to buy SN. I just hate the thought of my parents keeping my cat. That would fuck me up because I love her so much and they've hurt me so bad.

I sometimes wonder though if I'm making all my pain up in my head, if I even deserve to hate myself this much or to let myself ruminate on ctb. I don't even know if I deserve the release that catching that bus would bring me. It's the strangest thing. I wish I were dead. I have family. I have friends. But I'm so lonely, and my biggest comfort are the last words of people who are no longer here suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and dreadful feeling trapped in that situation but anyway best wishes.

 

[Holu]

I'm crushed. I've always tried and tried with my parents, but I've reached a breaking point. Dad threatened to disown me, Mom was crying. I feel nothing. I'm angry, but I feel numb. It's chilling to know that my parents are this way, the people who are supposedly there to love me unconditionally.

I'm so fucking sorry your dad threatened that shit. That is simply unacceptable for any parent, anywhere. I understand that parents often have a hard time with their children, especially those with problems, but threatening to disown is just absurd. Maybe he's doing it as a form of "hard love", but even still it's nothing but disgusting. I hope he realizes how awful it is, and apologizes.

They try to help me by getting me appointments with doctors and specialists, but they're so done with me to the point that Dad wants to fucking disown me. I wish I could up and run. I wish I were brave enough to actually ctb.

I really wish highschools taught how to parent properly. Sending your child to a therapist or doctor is basically the first thing parents do because they either don't know how to handle the situation, or don't want to. Whilst sending your kid to a professional is definitely a solid choice, afterwards most parents seem to want to believe that their childs mental health is no longer a problem, at least not for them. It has the same effect as when parents say, "Someone else/I have it worse", "Why are you sad when you have…", "you're being dramatic", or "It gets better with time". While these may or may not be true, actions and statements like these only serve to disregard the child's problem by undermining and not addressing it.

Maybe I'm going insane because I'm off my SSRI right now.

Hmm… did you take too much of your SSRI(I'm assuming it's sertraline)? Did you mix it with something else? Otherwise it might be possible that you're dealing with a different disorder, since SSRI's have been known to exasperate other disorders like Bipolar. Definitely worth communicating with your psychiatrist since "going insane" is the opposite of what SSRI's should do, especially if you're actually suffering from MDD(depression) + GAD(anxiety).

I feel so lonely. It feels like no one but my cat understands me. I feel trapped. If I could run away, I would. Every day I'm here is hell, and I don't know if I'll ever escape.

Cats do be understanding. Cats pay attention to their humans, and because they aren't able to speak our language, take the time to express their concern in more non verbal ways. That said, cats aren't able to hit the human craving element of loneliness. Hell, even parents and siblings aren't. I'm sorry for your suffering, and I promise you will escape, one way or another.

Feeling trapped and alone is terrifying, and I know I shouldn't feel like my life is over... I'm 21 and supposedly my whole life is ahead of me. But I keep fantasizing about dying, and knowing so many people here have done it... I'm obsessing over it. I go through page after page of the forum, reading through different people's goodbye posts, getting strangely attached to people I've never met before who've struggled the same as I am now.

Whether or not you realized it, using the word "obsessive" demonstrates a high level of self understanding. Ideation, whether for comfort or out of manic emotions, becomes increasingly more fixated upon. I'm genuinely impressed you saw this, since I personally never would have if I wasn't a psych major. Many start thinking suicidally as a coping mechanism during a mental crisis, but inevitably it does reach a point where it is an uncontrolled intrusive thought. In the same boat, I find myself constantly thinking about downing pills, shooting myself, or slitting my throats. Also I'm opening SaSu almost by default in the most random and inappropriate of times. It's an obsession, but one that provides comfort.

I almost hope my dad kicks me out of the house. Maybe then I'll actually work up the nerve to ctb myself. I wish I had the strength and fortitude to buy SN. I just hate the thought of my parents keeping my cat. That would fuck me up because I love her so much and they've hurt me so bad.

I was having a convo with another individual about this, in which building the courage to CTB is not easy. By taking steps to increase misery, it gives us more validation and incentive to actually CTB. From what it sounds like, you're not yet there, but those steps are being walked. Ik it seems like a long time, but you have browsed enough forums to know it can be as little as weeks. And hey, being here is a pretty big step on that path.

I sometimes wonder though if I'm making all my pain up in my head, if I even deserve to hate myself this much or to let myself ruminate on ctb. I don't even know if I deserve the release that catching that bus would bring me. It's the strangest thing. I wish I were dead. I have family. I have friends. But I'm so lonely, and my biggest comfort are the last words of people who are no longer here suffering.

Again, you're very self aware. That said, I promise that you aren't making your pain up, at least not fully. To some degree, a lot of mental suffering is invented, however it's not done intentionally. Our mind, especially when fixating on bad and craving negative comforts(drugs, suicide, etc) tends to exaggerate said pain. That's simply part of the horrible experience we are cursed with, and in no way does it make your pain any less real than the many other users of SaSu. As much as you may want to downplay your suffering, I promise it's just as legit as all of ours.

Ultimately, I'm sorry to read all of this. I'm even more sorry for this long ass text wall I sent in response. I hope todays going a little better. If not, please take a second to treat yourself, even if it's just a little self compliment. You deserve it, and don't let this POS world tell you otherwise.

Also I know this shit is mad long. I'm not tryna burden your day by forcing a response, so please don't feel like you need to. Otherwise you're gonna make me feel guilty af. Once again, hope todays going okie.