Venting Almost drowned earlier this year and i wish it happened(vent)

[apeaceofmind]

this is just a vent, again, i dont really post here but recently ive been so tired and my bottled up emotions are starting to erupt. i almost drowned in a scuba related incident back in february due to equipment malfunction. it was painful and terrifying when the realisation of "i am going to die" hit me. looking back, i was glad to survive but now i am turning my back on that feeling. im scared of my future and the choices ive made. i am so tired i am struggling to type this all, too much energy. i cant drink water properly because my body tries to prioritize breathing and if i choke it brings back the sinking feeling very vividly. im too scared to die and hate living but clearly i dont want to die, what the hell is wrong with me?

semi-related, ive been trying desperately to better myself with exercise and hobbies. it seems to be backfiring because the things i enjoy make me feel worse. the hate i feel is fuel for my body to move. ive got scars from cutting on my thigh that stare into me when i stare into them and fuck i cant stop thinking about hurting myself but smoking myself retarded every night keeps my brain busy with "oh shit im greening out again" instead of "wow i should really fucking kill myself im a total piece of shit"

anger or wrath or whatever word like that really doesnt describe my mental state, feels like my head is about to explode, im about to bawl my eyes out, and i cant breathe is probably a better description.

is it going to get better before my urges take over? im scared to move and im scared to stay still

i could write a novel on why my life sucks but the justification is stupid anyways. done the vent part i guess but ill still loooove to talk about my problems as a bpdemon naturally will

for anyone who is interested in: metal music, cats, photography, computers, games, anime/manga.. etc... id like to talk about the things i am clinging onto for my dear life that still make me smile sometimes. my cat visited me in the middle of typing this and i just feel even worse.. i love you kitty im sorry

im so tired

 

[DarkFriend.]

Well I'm happy you didn't drown.


There I said it.

Yes I'm happy you're alive.

Now let's get drunk.

 

[apeaceofmind]

Well I'm happy you didn't drown.


There I said it.

Yes I'm happy you're alive.

Now let's get drunk.

last time i got drunk i drank so much i gave myself alcohol poisoning and had to work the next day lol. that was last month., can anyone tell me why i feel worse when you said youre happy im alive>? im sorery

 

[DarkFriend.]

It's fine, lad. You're just suicidal, is all. Some of us have had to deal with it for quite some time now. Decades.

You'll be fine. Keep on keeping on and no matter what you do, make sure you keep drinking. As long as you have money for whiskey, or perhaps even some breakfast stout, you'll be all right.