Story Almost died, yesterday

[CrowsFeather]

So, hear me out, because this sounds weird and I'm well aware. So read to the end for it to make sense, I guess?

Lately I've been practising a lot of meditation and I'm also well versed in psychedelics, so I know what altered states feel like and I know how to sorta access some deeper observer mode level stuff without any substances.

I always had a theory that if people really want to end, they maybe can just... leave. Like spouses dying shortly after their partner without real causes or sometimes people who have given up ever doing anything in their life and one day just drop dead at a too young age and out of nowhere.

So I meditated on that, sat still, relaxed fully and just observed what happens in my body and mind. At some point I got really damn relaxed and it was extremely comfortable. It felt like all of my muscles were completely soft and loose, it even became hard to keep my head upright and I had to lay back on my sofa to support it.

My eyes were closed at that point and in meditation it can happen that you start to see faint patterns (perfectly scientific and actually quite a boring explanation for it, lol), so I paid it no mind. But then the patterns became more clear and formed to a greenish... net of sorts, made out of infinite intricate cubes. (I know these things from DMT trips, but that's the first time I experienced them sober).

So I kept observing be aus eit looked cool. Kinda like a net of green cubes over laying another "level" or something. I could make out shapes underneath it, moving around, but couldn't look behind it.

Then I remembered some super vague and weird moment from when I was a tiny child. Something about a stuffed toy, my old bedroom and stuff. It kept going, scenes, snippets, puzzle pieces of memories from long ago and it kept going upward to when I was a bit older, still a child, on vacation somewhere. And I remembered what the air tasted like and how the butterflies were so pretty.

And that's when it hit me and I knew what was happening. Seeing your life run before your eyes like a broken movie.

I sat up, shook my head, or at least tried to, because it still felt so damn heavy. Which was also the moment I paid attention to my heartbeat and it... It's hard to describe what this feels like... Almost like it beats with only half the tank filled or something. An incomplete beating, something missing about it, and definitely way too shallow.

Closed my eyes. More childhood scenes.
Opened my eyes and forced my body to move.

Finally I managed to get up again and walk some meters to grab my bottle of water. But I felt sloggish, light headed and I heard a gibt ringing noise in my head. Moved around, didn't help, got nauseous and just felt weird overall and I knew in that moment what's happening and I cannot explain it properly... I don't think it's possible.

But in that moment you just... feel it. You feel the tug of your own self drawing outwards and you feel the body shit down, slow, slow, slow....
Everything spun.

I stood in the middle of my apartment for a moment and thought, damn, that's it, isn't it? Still feeling everything slow, still feeling those half heartbeats, still feeling my "self" be drawn towards that green veil, behind it.

My legs gave out and I dropped to my sofa again, grabbed my favourite plush and just... waited.
And I thought... if it happens now, I guess I'm okay with it.
But if I have any saying in it... I'm not quite done yet.
And that thought was pretty strong. Maybe strong enough... Maybe all of this was just in my head. Idk.

After some minutes of just laying there, my heart started beating normally again and the weird visuals disappeared. And I stared at the ceiling.

Obviously, this sounds pretty insane in hindsight...
I just know what I felt. The bodily sensations, the visuals, the memory rehearsal, that literal tug of some part of me going out and away from the body...

I'm pretty in shambles right now. I can't talk to anyone. Everyone would just dismiss it as a dream or hallucination. It maybe was, but it still felt so damn real.

And... Yeah. I had the chance to go, probably as peaceful as it can get.
And I still decided to stay...

I still don't know what to make of this.
Sorry for the rambling. I just need to share this with someone . And here is the only place I could think of where I wouldn't be outright dismissed or even insulted for feeling weird.

Have a nice day.

 

[Nomoreworld]

Fascinating. Are you planning to try again? Could be easier to replicate with more readiness now that you've been through it once.

 

[CrowsFeather]

Fascinating. Are you planning to try again? Could be easier to replicate with more readiness now that you've been through it once.

Idk, honestly. This was pretty scary.
Apparently, I still have something to do or I would have just accepted it, right?
I guess?

Or maybe it really was just panic and survival instinct.

There are a few things I have to do first. Make sure that some memories of someone I loved will stay intact, even when I'm not around anymore to carry them.
When that is done...

I actually might try that again. Maybe add some psychedelic help on top. Cause idk if I'll be able to replicate this deep level relaxation. It was... really something. But I hade a week off and enough time to wind down, so that's probably why it worked.

 

[Penelope12]

I've done some research on this technique and read that you Need to be an Expert. How long did you meditate?

 

[CrowsFeather]

I've done some research on this technique and read that you Need to be an Expert. How long did you meditate?

Honestly, I don't know. I had nothing to do, couldn't sleep and just sat down and did it. Exploration style.

Maybe an hour, maybe a bit less, or a bit more.

Had some music, a bit of mead, cosy vibes around the house. Actually a quite nice setting to go. Lol.

I have a lamp that creates caustic waves on the wall and I watched those for god knows how long, just thinking about the whole thing. Then switched to closed eyes, then watched the waves again, repeat. Maybe that caused some sort of trance?
I'm just winging this all, I have no idea, lol. Maybe I should do some reading.

Where did you read about this? Do you have a good source for me? :3

 

[Penelope12]

I read on Google's AI that It Is possible, Just as Yogananda did
I could try taking benzodiazepines and maditating.

 

[angel164]

that is so fascinating!!
such a crazy experience! I do believe we can off ourselves by will, but we just don't. the human programming is very strong. hopes that things get better, fear of missing out and "maybe" and "what if".. it all stops us. I experience stuff like this too, I feel you! my experience is mostly heart attack/cardiac arrest symptoms.

I relax myself and get into a observer state of being, lying down. I focus on dying as the avatar only, and I focus my awareness on myself being outside of this avatar body, and I get very intense pain in my heart, chest, arm and jaw. I see visuals, patterns, colors like you said and I get very random situations and scenarios playing in my head.

when you stop being aware of yourself as "yourself" but as something way beyond reality itself, the body becomes something so mundane and easy to shut off.
but every time I try, I end up snapping back out. and literally like you said, it feels like there is still something left to do. I already know what I need to do but its harder to do than one imagines. its hard to die for a reason

honestly TMI, I don't tell this stuff to people because I deal with psychotic symptoms and this is a part of it, so they wont take me seriously lol. so I am glad you made this post.

really good luck with whatever you choose to do<3 sending lot of love

 

[CrowsFeather]

honestly TMI, I don't tell this stuff to people because I deal with psychotic symptoms and this is a part of it, so they wont take me seriously lol. so I am glad you made this post

No, thank you for sharing it, honestly!
Its good to hear this wasn't just a me thing and other people can have this too.
So, really, thank you