Venting Alienated due to being severely dysfunctional?

[puppet_nihilist]

Now I'm not talking about finding it hard to go through the motions and such, that's nothing compared to the severity of what I'm about to describe. I'm talking full on dysfunction, literal zombie simply existing without exerting an atom's worth of effort during every waking moment of your life. Just being awake, literally, nothing else. I really, deeply wish that I was exaggerating this, but I hope you can let that sink in and understand how severe the issue is.

I feel like I'm the weakest and the most dysfunctional person that has ever existed in this world. The severity of this is extreme; I am completely incapable of doing even the most rudimentary of tasks through each day. I can't for the life of me reconcile my zombie like state of existence with the unfathomably large expectations of my family and the people around me, or the fun fact that I'm trapped in this hell without a reliable and easy way out. I wasn't like this, I was exactly the opposite in fact. But that's becoming history now.

This makes me feel ultra lonely and alienated from everyone else. Literally everyone, even going through this very forum, I still find people who are, even if barely, functional. People who at least exert an atom's worth of effort through their days. People who might have graduated university or have a job that they're maintaining. And then you have me in the corner, a fucking waste of space that can't even self destruct for its own good and for the good of the world.

Am I really the only person who's like this? Am I just the only subhuman, zombie thing that is absolutely and inherently useless, completely incapable of the most basic shit? And why do I, for some inexplicable reason, still want to live (although that's probably SI on action right there)? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy am I so utterly dysfunctional and beyond repair? There is no reason for me to be like this, physically at least I'm not disabled or anything severe.

I just can't work or study or anything. I hate these things a lot, I loathe work and exerting effort, the very idea of having to exert effort makes me tired and fatigued, I legit feel paralyzed just thinking about studying or working on something. I loathe how suffering and experiencing immense pain deliberately in order to maintain your life and afford semi-respectable living conditions is seen as a heroic act or as a generally positive thing to do with your life. I feel like it's one massive delusion to cope with this unnecessarily painful and absurd existence. Do suffering and pain really have to be necessary for learning and success? I understand that they are, you learn from failure and all that cliched bull crap has some truth to it, but do we really have to naively believe that all of this is somehow noble, necessary or justified? Why do you need to deliberately choose to suffer in order to justify, validate, and maintain your humanity and social status? Just because "that's how it is supposed to be"?

I am never dismissive of people's strong will and their passions in life; hey if it makes you happy and you're expressing your freedom then do it by all means, I advocate for personal liberty before anything. But you know not every fucking body here is a perpetual struggle-warrior machine. I just can't do it, literally can't exert one trillionth of an electron's worth of work. I. Just. Can't. Let me the fuck out of here for my and your own sake world. The world just holds all of us, extremely fucking different people with different genes, families, interests, different everything, to almost exactly the same standards and expectations [suffer, learn, buy a house, get sustenance, survive, suffer more]. Yeah, try fitting spheres into a vacant space that's shaped like a fucking heptagram. And then people wonder why the world is so strange and messed up and weird and on and on.

There are some good hard working people here and there. I understand that you can be depressed and suicidal while also being capable of living in decent conditions – that being the result of your own efforts and exertions. But for me personally? I have not the slightest fucking clue how a suicidal human being can actually maintain a job or graduate and do such seemingly abnormal accomplishments (it just looks abnormal to me). Forget that, how the fuck can you get out of bed in the first place? I just can't and probably won't ever be able to understand or relate to such things. I used to work really hard and it was a fruitful endeavor as well for as long as it lasted at least, but I can't comprehend how I used to do that. It's like me and that person, my past self, are completely separate individuals with completely different lives and genetic makeup.

What am I supposed to do now, what am I supposed to think now, what the hell will happen to me in the future?

I just can't wait to see what happens, I'm so thrilled about it. /s

Sorry for whoever had to go through my comma-abusive, boring-ass dry text which is probably a small number of people lol. Thanks for reading, I hope you don't relate because this is absolute hell. It's a nightmare to live like this.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life can be really exhausting. I have had phases similar to that where all I can do is lie down, it is like being dead but still conscious and breathing. Living does require energy and I have always lacked significant motivation. We all do deserve a right to die as it is not like we asked to be here in the first place. Not everyone is suited for this life.

 

[Burned out]

What you describe is already patented, perfected, and sold in a bottle. It's called antipsychotics. Inducible at any time.

Why do you need to deliberately choose to suffer in order to justify, validate, and maintain your humanity and social status?

Except for their role in shaping society in a way that makes an acceptable quality of life hard or impossible for you, what other people think about you is dead weight. Even if there are good points about how it is not fair or should not be, I can't say anything on the topic that hasn't already been said. I find mild relief in not resisting to accept that this is oblivion we're in.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

What you describe is already patented, perfected, and sold in a bottle. It's called antipsychotics. Inducible at any time.

If only I wasn't denied professional help I could've coped with meds. Rather than being told you're fine but fooling around.

I find mild relief in not resisting to accept that this is oblivion we're in.

That's wise, but sometimes it's hard not get angry, it becomes hard not to feel rebellious about it.

 

[Burned out]

1.If only I wasn't denied professional help I could've coped with meds. Rather than being told you're fine but fooling around.


2.That's wise, but sometimes it's hard not get angry, it becomes hard not to feel rebellious about it.

1. Don't get me wrong, if the meds actually added a net gain, then I would support their use. If someone has an entirely different response to them than me, good, but I don't know how that is possible due to their mechanism of action. When someone says something good about certain classes of psych meds, I usually doubt the relevance of their review due to the probability of their not being committed to perfectly giving an objective over view of everything happening in their body because of the med they're taking. When it is not something negative being said, it is usually flawed in someway or just noise in an ocean of subjectivity. I think many people are subconsciously biased in favor of meds because they want to believe they are making them better, so they say they are making them better. It gets worse, but I won't go into full detail.

2. You'll never enact a perfect and absolute scheme where it could be said that there was no better way for you to say I hate/cannot bear/disapprove of this reality.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Wait, so are you satisfied being this way? On one hand you describe feeling bad about being dysfunctional and not doing anything, on the other hand you also say that you don't get why you need to do things that are painful and that you dislike in order to be seen as "functional." Is the issue how you see yourself, how others see you, or both? Because if you are happy being this way, in some fantastical, hedonistic way, that is perfectly fine. Maybe you can't really live in society that way but the important part is that you're satisfied with yourself.

You can't get out of bed at the moment, but you also describe a past where you were able to do all of the things that you are incapable of doing now. What's actually changed since then? Besides the depression? You said it's hard to remember those times but maybe there's an event that you can remember that was the start of the fall.

If it helps at all, being depressed and unable to do literally anything because of it is like the definition of disabling depression. The kind of depression you can get benefits for. So you aren't without an "excuse," you're dealing with something that is disabling, because as you said, normal people don't feel paralyzed by life, and even other depressed people can still function to different degrees. That's just because their depression might be disabling in other aspects, or it is severe, but not functionally impairing.

Idk if this will help, but this is a very common experience for people with depression, probably everyone's on this site has felt this way at some point, and their actual functional impairment doesn't really matter because the degree of suffering is all the same. I've felt this way back when I literally did nothing but cry and go to school. I also felt this way when I was working two jobs and went to uni full-time. It's always just as shitty.

You're not a zombie, you're not a horrible anomaly either. You have a problem like millions of other people do, it's not your fault that you have it. It's not your fault that this is the way it presents itself either. I know this can sound really empty, but try to remember that you did live a functional life at some point, so there is solid and irrefutable evidence that you aren't that incapable of doing things. Your future is in your hands, you are free to do whatever you feel is best for your circumstances.

 

[Teddybear]

In my view there are miseries based on our perception of reallity and then there are "miserable miseries".

You can be anxious as a Millionaire, because you just realized you'll never advance to the Billionaire's club. Or you can get scared out of your mind looking at your bank account because it shows, that there is no money left and the rent is due.

Now the former version of fear can be caused by any number of factors, including socialization and chemical imbalances of the brain - and it is usually treatable if you want it to be.

Yet the later requires a chance of circumstances not all of us are able to achieve. So "being dysfunctional != "being dysfunctional"

Some fears are justified while others are just a product of imagination. Some obstacles may be overcome while others are insurmountable.

In the end - like so often in life - its left to you to figure out which is which.