Alien

[dazed_dreamer]

I think I'll always be alone at the end of the day.
I've done what I can to make my life better: getting therapy and medication for mental health issues, shifting my academic and career path towards feasible goals and involving my areas of interest, getting involved in work and volunteering to help people, being more social. These have all helped, but at the end of the day, it feels so superficial. I can get a grasp on the checklist for how to support a decent, healthy life--building a career, maintaining health, etc, But when it comes to a more authentic sense of living, connecting to people, building relationships, I'm clueless. Even if all of those checklist factors were to be solid (which they're not, my depression and bulimia are still kicking my ass), it still doesn't change my mysterious inability to deeply connect with people. I genuinely want to be deeply connected to my family, have close friends who know my highs and lows, dates and partners and lovers, emotionally (and physically) intimate and raw and human connection. But I have never been able to experience that, and I have no idea why.
I did isolate myself for a long time, but I don't anymore. I've confronted my social anxiety in many ways, it's more manageable now. I make an effort to hang out with people, I dedicate time to them. I consider myself sympathetic (maybe not empathetic, I have a hard time naturally feeling much emotion, but I cultivate a compassion for others) and kind. I'm open and vulnerable, and really strive to be authentic. This has helped me make a lot of more surface-level friendships, but at the end of the day, no one really knows me at all. Most nights I end up alone, every night I end up lonely.
There's something wrong with me, I just don't know what. I don't quite get people, I don't quite get myself, I don't quite get how to be a person. Not in a blatant way where it's obvious what's wrong to other people, where there's a clear label and protocol on how to help me cope. It's just this vague thing that's always been there, a feeling like there's some secret to manual to navigating life that everyone else has read except for me, and I'm just constantly improvising and imitating what other people do. It gets me by, I can function and check of the boxes. I can get people to like me, but not to really love me. I don't even feel human sometimes, more like a robot or alien given a vague script or checklist on how to pass as one. I don't know how to fix myself to finally snap out of it, to feel real and intuitively know how to live and love and be loved, and it makes me want to die.

 

[sserafim]

I think I'll always be alone at the end of the day.
I've done what I can to make my life better: getting therapy and medication for mental health issues, shifting my academic and career path towards feasible goals and involving my areas of interest, getting involved in work and volunteering to help people, being more social. These have all helped, but at the end of the day, it feels so superficial. I can get a grasp on the checklist for how to support a decent, healthy life--building a career, maintaining health, etc, But when it comes to a more authentic sense of living, connecting to people, building relationships, I'm clueless. Even if all of those checklist factors were to be solid (which they're not, my depression and bulimia are still kicking my ass), it still doesn't change my mysterious inability to deeply connect with people. I genuinely want to be deeply connected to my family, have close friends who know my highs and lows, dates and partners and lovers, emotionally (and physically) intimate and raw and human connection. But I have never been able to experience that, and I have no idea why.
I did isolate myself for a long time, but I don't anymore. I've confronted my social anxiety in many ways, it's more manageable now. I make an effort to hang out with people, I dedicate time to them. I consider myself sympathetic (maybe not empathetic, I have a hard time naturally feeling much emotion, but I cultivate a compassion for others) and kind. I'm open and vulnerable, and really strive to be authentic. This has helped me make a lot of more surface-level friendships, but at the end of the day, no one really knows me at all. Most nights I end up alone, every night I end up lonely.
There's something wrong with me, I just don't know what. I don't quite get people, I don't quite get myself, I don't quite get how to be a person. Not in a blatant way where it's obvious what's wrong to other people, where there's a clear label and protocol on how to help me cope. It's just this vague thing that's always been there, a feeling like there's some secret to manual to navigating life that everyone else has read except for me, and I'm just constantly improvising and imitating what other people do. It gets me by, I can function and check of the boxes. I can get people to like me, but not to really love me. I don't even feel human sometimes, more like a robot or alien given a vague script or checklist on how to pass as one. I don't know how to fix myself to finally snap out of it, to feel real and intuitively know how to live and love and be loved, and it makes me want to die.

I really relate to this. I can't connect with people either. I also feel like everyone was given an unspoken guide to life, and I wasn't. I feel like I'm just acting or playing a part. I also feel like an alien as well, it's like I'm on the wrong planet. I just don't know how to be a human being, and I honestly don't even feel like one. Have you looked into autism/Asperger's?

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I really relate to this. I can't connect with people either. I also feel like everyone was given an unspoken guide to life, and I wasn't. I feel like I'm just acting or playing a part. I also feel like an alien as well, it's like I'm on the wrong planet. I just don't know how to be a human being, and I honestly don't even feel like one. Have you looked into autism/Asperger's?

I'm sorry you relate, but it's nice to here that it's not just me.
I have considered if it could be Asperger's, I'm not really sure though. I think my case may be a bit too subtle to warrant that kind of diagnosis. The social aspect of it fits, but not so much the sensory issues or more rigid thinking. I can think of small examples that could fit into those categories, but it feels a bit forced.
But, at the same time, it's hard to think that it's nothing. Maybe it's a combination of deep insecurity from social anxiety and depression, and awkwardness from years of isolation because of my depression and the pandemic, and spending a lot of time online when I was younger. Maybe it's a bit more-- I've always been a bit of a weird kid, even before all of that, but I was pretty happy and outgoing.
I'm still lost on if pathologizing it would be harmful, or if a label does apply and could actually be helpful.

 

[sserafim]

I'm sorry you relate, but it's nice to here that it's not just me.
I have considered if it could be Asperger's, I'm not really sure though. I think my case may be a bit too subtle to warrant that kind of diagnosis. The social aspect of it fits, but not so much the sensory issues or more rigid thinking. I can think of small examples that could fit into those categories, but it feels a bit forced.
But, at the same time, it's hard to think that it's nothing. Maybe it's a combination of deep insecurity from social anxiety and depression, and awkwardness from years of isolation because of my depression and the pandemic, and spending a lot of time online when I was younger. Maybe it's a bit more-- I've always been a bit of a weird kid, even before all of that, but I was pretty happy and outgoing.
I'm still lost on if pathologizing it would be harmful, or if a label does apply and could actually be helpful.

Yeah maybe, btw when they diagnosed me, they said I was subtly but definitely on the spectrum. My Asperger's/autism score thing was actually very low and didn't even qualify for level 1 autism, but they said I had it for sure. I don't have rigid thinking either, and I don't have repetitive movements or love of routine. I have ADHD as well so that might've changed how Asperger's/autism manifests in me.

Yeah, I agree it's not good to always label yourself. But a lot of people with Asperger's/autism do feel like aliens, it's a common thing among people on the spectrum…maybe you could get tested for autism for answers, but I don't think it's worth seeking an autism diagnosis though because like there's no cure or medication for it

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Yeah maybe, btw when they diagnosed me, they said I was subtly but definitely on the spectrum. My Asperger's/autism score thing was actually very low and didn't even qualify for level 1 autism, but they said I had it for sure. I don't have rigid thinking either, and I don't have repetitive movements or love of routine. I have ADHD as well so that might've changed how Asperger's/autism manifests in me.

Yeah, I agree it's not good to always label yourself. But a lot of people with Asperger's/autism do feel like aliens, it's a common thing among people on the spectrum…maybe you could get tested for autism for answers, but I don't think it's worth seeking an autism diagnosis though because like there's no cure or medication for it

This is a helpful perspective, I'll keep it in mind, thank you!
Beyond labels and such--since we can relate in a sense, have you had any luck in cultivating close relationships with others, where you feel you truly know each other, whether it be a friendship, romantic partner, or family member? In your case, have your diagnoses helped you understand yourself better and feel more connected?
My hope is to figure whatever this is out, whatever that even means, and be able to really connect with people, and feel more human. But I'm not sure where to start, or if it's even possible.

 

[sserafim]

This is a helpful perspective, I'll keep it in mind, thank you!
Beyond labels and such--since we can relate in a sense, have you had any luck in cultivating close relationships with others, where you feel you truly know each other, whether it be a friendship, romantic partner, or family member? In your case, have your diagnoses helped you understand yourself better and feel more connected?
My hope is to figure whatever this is out, whatever that even means, and be able to really connect with people, and feel more human. But I'm not sure where to start, or if it's even possible.

I have had friends before, but most of my friendships faded away because I'm not good at maintaining them. I also don't think I really truly emotionally connected or bonded with them. I have trauma and ptsd from being bullied in middle school though so I don't open up, and keep people at a distance. I'm aroace so I never had a romantic partner and don't want one. I think I became a schizoid and developed avpd due to autism/Asperger's tho because I have no friends rn but I honestly enjoy being by myself and alone. I just don't have the desire for friendship or connection anymore, if that makes sense.

I guess my autism diagnosis helps me make sense of why I have social issues and difficulties, but it just frustrates me that there's no cure for it.

I think autism would be a good place to start. Like it could just be good for closure to know if you have it

 

[Zegers]

I genuinely want to be deeply connected to my family, have close friends who know my highs and lows, dates and partners and lovers, emotionally (and physically) intimate and raw and human connection. But I have never been able to experience that, and I have no idea why.

There are no secrets, it usually happens naturally, if you have to think about how to do it it won't work, i think some people are just fated for loneliness.