Discussion Alcohol Addiction and BPD

[EmmaD]

I put this thread in this forum as it massively contributes to my suicidal ideation. But I'll understand if it gets moved.
I've felt strongly about this for a long time. I truly believe there is no proper help when it comes to people with BPD or other similar mental health issues, and alcohol addiction.
In the course of therapy last year my group met with a guy from The Forward Trust (the local substance abuse service) and he had visited to get the perspective of people with personality disorders. He literally ended up agreeing that the service needs way more understanding of how to deal with people like us. I'm yet to see any change in the service though.
I went to AA once, but only once, as one of the steps involves going over the bad things you've done in the past due to drinking and taking responsibility for it. But what if you've done bad stuff due to alcohol and bpd? Beating yourself up and making a list of all that stuff is going to be damaging to say the least.
People with bpd have a high likelihood of substance abuse, self destructive tendencies and risk taking. That means that I can be 2 months into not drinking, feeling amazing, but then be triggered by something like a random comment from one of my parents and I go from happy to completely fucked up suicidal in the space of 2 minutes. Then dying from liver disease not only seems irrelevant but actually a welcome thing. It feels like when I'm triggered and drinking I'm like a car that someone crazy has the wheel of.. and when I'm sane again, my car is returned to me battered and damaged.. but I know the crazy person can take the wheel at any time and I can't stop them.
There needs to be some sort of service, or a section of an existing service that takes into account these issues, with experts who know and understand the danger of triggering clients and not making things worse. I'm interested in anyone else's experiences, good or bad, involving mental health and addiction/ recovery?

 

[parader]

I deal with both myself, I've been alcohol dependent since 2016 and on treatment for bpd since 2014 (even though I didn't know it by then, the diagnosis took a long time, it was only symptoms focused back in the day). I used to write letters from me to myself whenever I was drunk or sober, I felt like someone totally different when under the influence. I even got liver problems and money troubles for a good while, the only doctor who vouched for me not to be committed to a clinic did so on the condition that I would stop drinking. He said that when I drank I was even more impulsive and unpredictable than sober, and that could certainly get out of hand very easily and put my life at risk. I agreed to it and could totally see that it made sense, but didn't want to quit just yet, so that's when I started hiding spirits. There was a time I could open my bottom drawer and find 6 empty vodka bottles cause I couldn't throw them in regular trash and risk someone noticing it. I used to dump them far away from home in the middle of the night like I was getting rid of a body or something. Eventually, sober me came to hate drunk me. I didn't even get hungover anymore but felt so guilty and depressed after binge drinking.

It was only very recently that I decided to quit drinking for my own reasons and not because someone was asking. I didn't go to AA because I don't like the religious part of it, and I don't think MM would work for me. Allen Carr was the one who helped me the most, I stayed sober for over 4 months but dealing with triggers is really hard still. I'm better at it now, not totally sober but usually drink once every 20 days or a month and not a lot to make me sick.

I try not to feel guilty and it's been working. I still have no faith in the treatment I get for the bpd but I think my substance abuse is under control for now and it's not something I worry too much about for the time being.

 

[EmmaD]

I deal with both myself, I've been alcohol dependent since 2016 and on treatment for bpd since 2014 (even though I didn't know it by then, the diagnosis took a long time, it was only symptoms focused back in the day). I used to write letters from me to myself whenever I was drunk or sober, I felt like someone totally different when under the influence. I even got liver problems and money troubles for a good while, the only doctor who vouched for me not to be committed to a clinic did so on the condition that I would stop drinking. He said that when I drank I was even more impulsive and unpredictable than sober, and that could certainly get out of hand very easily and put my life at risk. I agreed to it and could totally see that it made sense, but didn't want to quit just yet, so that's when I started hiding spirits. There was a time I could open my bottom drawer and find 6 empty vodka bottles cause I couldn't throw them in regular trash and risk someone noticing it. I used to dump them far away from home in the middle of the night like I was getting rid of a body or something. Eventually, sober me came to hate drunk me. I didn't even get hungover anymore but felt so guilty and depressed after binge drinking.

It was only very recently that I decided to quit drinking for my own reasons and not because someone was asking. I didn't go to AA because I don't like the religious part of it, and I don't think MM would work for me. Allen Carr was the one who helped me the most, I stayed sober for over 4 months but dealing with triggers is really hard still. I'm better at it now, not totally sober but usually drink once every 20 days or a month and not a lot to make me sick.

I try not to feel guilty and it's been working. I still have no faith in the treatment I get for the bpd but I think my substance abuse is under control for now and it's not something I worry too much about for the time being.

Oh thank you for this answer.. it's really helpful. I identify with you a lot. I've read lots of books about quitting alcohol and the Allen Carr one was the best. I never finished it though, maybe I should? I've actually thought about writing letters from drunk me to sober me too! Well done for getting control over drinking, that's amazing xx

 

[parader]

Oh thank you for this answer.. it's really helpful. I identify with you a lot. I've read lots of books about quitting alcohol and the Allen Carr one was the best. I never finished it though, maybe I should? I've actually thought about writing letters from drunk me to sober me too! Well done for getting control over drinking, that's amazing xx

i really liked his book, though it sounds somewhat like a miracle propaganda every so often and that bothered me a lot
it's not as easy as he says, but it was enough to help me when i needed the help

the bpd however, i'm still figuring it out because so far i just feel every single day that there's no help
it's agonizing to think "i need help, i need help, i need help" and realizing that there is none, no one can help me and i can only do so much
i've tried everything, i "quit" drinking, i tried those mindfulness meditations, hypnosis, solfeggio frequencies, acupuncture, religious treatments i don't even believe in, studying philosophy to find some meaning, everything
i'm on therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist for years and they can't help me
i can't go to a hospital and say i need help because they won't be able to do anything
all i feel is despair

 

[EmmaD]

i really liked his book, though it sounds somewhat like a miracle propaganda every so often and that bothered me a lot
it's not as easy as he says, but it was enough to help me when i needed the help

the bpd however, i'm still figuring it out because so far i just feel every single day that there's no help
it's agonizing to think "i need help, i need help, i need help" and realizing that there is none, no one can help me and i can only do so much
i've tried everything, i "quit" drinking, i tried those mindfulness meditations, hypnosis, solfeggio frequencies, acupuncture, religious treatments i don't even believe in, studying philosophy to find some meaning, everything
i'm on therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist for years and they can't help me
i can't go to a hospital and say i need help because they won't be able to do anything
all i feel is despair

Oh god I feel you seriously! I was in a Therapeutic Community 3 days a week till the end of last year. It's meant to be the best help for personality disorders. In some ways it was good but Jesus it drove me to drink even more! So much drama and arguments. I discharged myself and am trying again in December.. but between now and then there is no help, nothing! I've thought about mindfulness too. I really agree with you about the Alan Carr thing seeming too much like a miracle. When it kept saying 'it is certain to work'!!!! I felt like I feel when someone tries to hypnotise me.. I'm almost determined to prove them wrong! Have you done DBT? That's meant to be the treatment for bpd isn't it? Xx

 

[parader]

Oh god I feel you seriously! I was in a Therapeutic Community 3 days a week till the end of last year. It's meant to be the best help for personality disorders. In some ways it was good but Jesus it drove me to drink even more! So much drama and arguments. I discharged myself and am trying again in December.. but between now and then there is no help, nothing! I've thought about mindfulness too. I really agree with you about the Alan Carr thing seeming too much like a miracle. When it kept saying 'it is certain to work'!!!! I felt like I feel when someone tries to hypnotise me.. I'm almost determined to prove them wrong! Have you done DBT? That's meant to be the treatment for bpd isn't it? Xx

Allen Carr Easyway is a great method but damn does he tries to sell it so hard it's a pain hahaha
i've tried CBT once but it didn't last for long so i can't say much about it and also it's different from DBT i guess?
i don't know if the professional wasn't good enough or i just really hate therapy altogether
i feel like i have something terribly wrong to my absolute core and someone addressing my behaviors is only scratching the surface
but maybe it was just a not-so-good professional, i didn't stay for long and it was not DBT, i really don't like therapy, my current psychologist is the only exception i was able to keep for more than a year :(