Venting Again.... I'm suppose to be dead

[Life_and_Death]

Last night I thought, I'll try again today. Even debated on telling my husband to work without me so I could have more time.

Well that didn't work out considering I'm writing this instead of emptying the closet and getting my rope.

It started with going to bed. I took a quarter melatonin like most nights. (dose depending). Only I didn't fall asleep (tolerance must be up again) instead I laid there thinking about my suicide, which lead to me thinking about my death, which made me feel sick. So I got out of bed. Hubby says on nights like that I can wake him up. Even this morning he said I shouldn't suffer alone, but he's been tired lately because of work and said he had a headache. I didn't want to disturb him. So I'm sure some here saw my presence a few hours ago. I wanted to message my friend but he was busy. So I just grabbed my bottle and hung out with you guys.

Fast forward to 10pm and I'm finally getting tired. (we went to bed at 7pm and I had to be up by 1am). My friend is still gaming and June (one of my kitties) is looking at me "mommy can we go bed". Ok let's go to bed. So I close my laptop, leave hubby a note on his computer (summerized) "mental shit couldn't sleep. Don't be surprised if I don't wake up"

Fast forward to waking up. Click! Head pops up. hubbys leaving!!! panic sets in. He left a note in place of mine. I quickly read it, run outside, down the sidewalk, smuck! My body hits the vehicle to get his attention. I open the door in a panic, scared that he's going to leave without me. Told him I just had to go get ready and he said ok.

So tonight just doesn't seem like the time now.

Also while I was sitting there last night talking to you guys/drinking/waiting for my friend I thought IF I could get them on the same page, IF I can get them to understand, MAYBE I can be ok? Not having to hide everything would be a huge help.... But it won't fix my problems, just make it easier to talk about and get help with. Am I getting my hopes up? Should I even bother trying? Should I wait until my therapist appointment and see how this plays out? Or should I just forget it and hang? I didn't answer. I'm not sure what the answer is. There's moments I'm hopeful everything can be ok, but I fear it's all a lost cause. It's not going to stop me from hating myself. It's not going to make my disorders fuck off. It's not going to make the meds magically not interact.

Idk... Anyway from 7pm to quarter to 3am, this has been my time.

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

Last night I thought, I'll try again today. Even debated on telling my husband to work without me so I could have more time.

Well that didn't work out considering I'm writing this instead of emptying the closet and getting my rope.

It started with going to bed. I took a quarter melatonin like most nights. (dose depending). Only I didn't fall asleep (tolerance must be up again) instead I laid there thinking about my suicide, which lead to me thinking about my death, which made me feel sick. So I got out of bed. Hubby says on nights like that I can wake him up. Even this morning he said I shouldn't suffer alone, but he's been tired lately because of work and said he had a headache. I didn't want to disturb him. So I'm sure some here saw my presence a few hours ago. I wanted to message my friend but he was busy. So I just grabbed my bottle and hung out with you guys.

Fast forward to 10pm and I'm finally getting tired. (we went to bed at 7pm and I had to be up by 1am). My friend is still gaming and June (one of my kitties) is looking at me "mommy can we go bed". Ok let's go to bed. So I close my laptop, leave hubby a note on his computer (summerized) "mental shit couldn't sleep. Don't be surprised if I don't wake up"

Fast forward to waking up. Click! Head pops up. hubbys leaving!!! panic sets in. He left a note in place of mine. I quickly read it, run outside, down the sidewalk, smuck! My body hits the vehicle to get his attention. I open the door in a panic, scared that he's going to leave without me. Told him I just had to go get ready and he said ok.

So tonight just doesn't seem like the time now.

Also while I was sitting there last night talking to you guys/drinking/waiting for my friend I thought IF I could get them on the same page, IF I can get them to understand, MAYBE I can be ok? Not having to hide everything would be a huge help.... But it won't fix my problems, just make it easier to talk about and get help with. Am I getting my hopes up? Should I even bother trying? Should I wait until my therapist appointment and see how this plays out? Or should I just forget it and hang? I didn't answer. I'm not sure what the answer is. There's moments I'm hopeful everything can be ok, but I fear it's all a lost cause. It's not going to stop me from hating myself. It's not going to make my disorders fuck off. It's not going to make the meds magically not interact.

Idk... Anyway from 7pm to quarter to 3am, this has been my time.

This sounds so hectic... ugh. I'm so sorry you felt that way.
Are you scared of doing it? Are you scared of where you'll go when you do die? Have you found therapy at all helpful? Just curious I'm in a similar boat

 

[Life_and_Death]

This sounds so hectic... ugh. I'm so sorry you felt that way.
Are you scared of doing it? Are you scared of where you'll go when you do die? Have you found therapy at all helpful? Just curious I'm in a similar boat

I wish I could help you out more but 'fear of death' is a mental problem of mine and one of the many reasons for my ctb. I believe in nothingness. I hope to be able to watch over my loved ones for at least a little while. However thinking about the nothingness forever or even living forever makes me feel sick. It's a come and go thing. Some times I'm ok and it doesn't bother me and sometimes it's one or the other. It drills itself into my head until I'm crying sometimes, and the fact that one way or another, sooner or later, it's going to happen. For as long as it's bothering me, i want to go now to get it done and over with.

As far as therapy goes, yes/no. I've been doing therapy in my own for ~4 years. It's helped a bit. As far as professional therapy I haven't even had a chance for that yet because of problems in the system basically, so I can't say. However therapy aside it's like I told my friend. Some people need therapy to get better. Others need medication. I need medication and due to complications I can't. I've basically hit a cinder block wall as far as recovery goes and I don't think there's a way around it. Advice for you: therapy/meds have their place. It's all about finding what's right for you. It's like I told my friend, I find life kind of like a big comfy chair. You sit down wiggle around to find the comfy spot then sit back with a big smile and go ahhhhh. My chair seems to have sharp things sticking out of it however.