Venting After many years of struggling, I give up.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Greeting ladies and gentlemen. I am creating this post to give you a little introduction of myself and to express my feelings. I had planned to tell you my whole story, but I just could not continue writing. So, I decided it is better to just express the feelings I have.

I am a male from India, I currently am a university student. English is not my first language, so kindly forgive any grammatical errors.

Long story short, I have for reasons I do not want to list, no real wish to live now. I had many painful(emotionally) and humiliating moments in my life, they affected me badly. I went for counseling a few times, but none really helped, I was always told I am ok, in the sense that I have no mental problems, no depression. I may be mentally fit, but I am in no way ok. I am a 'weak person', or so they say, but I still managed to hold on, until the past few months.

The past few months have been the worst I ever had, my spirit is completely shattered. The pain, physical and mental, I am unable to bear it any longer. I do not want to live a painful life, where peace is non-existent. I come to realize this world is just not the place for me. And I am sorry again for not giving any background to why I feel like this. I am not lying, my hands start to shake and my eyes start to shed tear as I try to think about those things. I might write them later in this thread if I wish to, but I most likely would not. Please do not ask me the reasons for my feelings.

I feel the human body is horrible, no matter how strong you make yourself your body is literally scattered with weak points that can be easily exploited by anybody who ideally has the element of surprise or has brought friends with him or her i.e. being a bully victim is easy no matter how many self defense classes you take, specially when the bullies themselves are all training in martial arts. There are too many organs in the body, and it is too easy to damage each and cripple the person for his life. Then we have these big brains who do more harm then good. Why? I think the old phrase 'ignorance is bliss' totally sums it up. There are many things about the world and about myself that I wish I never learnt, things I wish I never felt the way I did. Finding peace in this world is impossible, at least for me, this world is not just the place for me I think. I now have experienced and learnt things that I can not live with any longer.

But I am in no hurry, I want to properly research the methods and talk with the people here a little. Anybody who has attempted suicide would know how difficult it is to do it, those damn survival instincts kick in at the right time. And you must have heard stories of people failing suicide, and getting their faces deformed, limbs damaged for life and brains damaged, and are now being forced to live. I do not understand how a person who was already suffering can live 'a better life' in such condition. Under any case, they would be worse off. So I am going to be pretty careful here. I would probably get only one chance at it, and I have to pick the best method possible and execute it as well as I can.

Anyway, the post looks longer than I intended, without communicating much. Thank you for reading this.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I wish I could give you a hug IRL. I'm sorry it has come to this.

I really hope this place can help you find some comfort or peace.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I wish I could give you a hug IRL. I'm sorry it has come to this.

I really hope this place can help you find some comfort or peace.

Thank you, any act or word of kindness coming from anyone always feels good.

I really wish I had somebody to hug IRL, it would not solve anything, but will make me feel better.

When I am really on the edge I like to recite some poetry to calm myself down, or read any of the nice history books I have. These 2 things help me to get distracted and feel better. I will not act on my suicidal thoughts until I learn the proper technique and make sure I do not fail.

I am sorry, but may I ask what do you do to make yourself feel better, user totallyisolated and other people reading this thread?

 

[Cherrypea]

Thank you for sharing. Not much makes me feel better but fantasies about my suicide calm me down, I imagine the peace of leaving and it can make me smile.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Thank you for sharing. Not much makes me feel better but fantasies about my suicide calm me down, I imagine the peace of leaving and it can make me smile.

Thanks for sharing your experience.
Things are different for everyone I guess. I also experience that, thinking about suicide initially makes me feel better. But every time I do that the 'But why am I still alive, why do not I have the courage to kill myself right now?' feeling kicks in and it is now the same grief.

 

[profoundexperience]

I come to realize this world is just not the place for me.

As with so many of us here... I welcome you, @MyLifeMyChoice!

And I am sorry again for not giving any background to why I feel like this. I am not lying, my hands start to shake and my eyes start to shed tear as I try to think about those things. I might write them later in this thread if I wish to, but I most likely would not. Please do not ask me the reasons for my feelings.

Please just say only what you feel comfortable saying.

Sometimes, it's hard to say things because of ourselves (we don't want to hear ourselves saying it). It sounds like there may be a bit of that for you, i.e., "my hands start to shake and my eyes start to shed tear as I try to think about those things." It could be useful for you to write a letter (that you don't send) to all those people/things that have wronged you. It's sometimes good to get those things out on paper & you don't need to share that with anyone but yourself (unless it's helpful).

But sometimes, it's hard to say things because we don't want others to know (can be our embarrassment, our shame... or many other reasons). And, please know SS is a "safe place" for you to say/"vent" anything.

I feel the human body is horrible ... your body is literally scattered with weak points that can be easily exploited ... the element of surprise or has brought friends ... a bully victim ... too easy to damage and cripple the person for his life.

Yes, very true. I'm not sure if you were a victim or just noticed this aspect about life. In either case, it can perhaps best be called "evil".

Finding peace in this world is impossible, at least for me, this world is not just the place for me I think. I now have experienced and learnt things that I can not live with any longer.

Me too.

The "truths" I've learned are indeed very painful as well... although, I'm not sure "ignorance is bliss" as ignorance allows this whole, "bad system" to just continue.

But I am in no hurry, I want to properly research the methods and talk with the people here a little. ... So I am going to be pretty careful here. I would probably get only one chance at it, and I have to pick the best method possible and execute it as well as I can.

You are very wise: I severely grieve for those who are in an extreme hurry/rush to ctb as that can lead to mistakes.

Anyway, the post looks longer than I intended, without communicating much. English is not my first language, so kindly forgive any grammatical errors.

No need to apologize (about length or otherwise) and your English is excellent, native speaker level as far I I could discern (I'm an American and couldn't detect anything at all).

 

[TrailerTrash]

Welcome and thanks for sharing. If you choose to end life we are here for you ... if you choose to live a long life we are here for you. Regardless of your choice, you will find many resources and much information throughout the site.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Thanks for the reply @profoundexperience.

I have never tried writing letters to people who have hurt me, but that clearly sounds like a good way to relieve some anger and frustration, thanks for the idea. Even then, much of my problems were not caused by other humans.

I have learnt how weak the human body is from both personal experience and from other people's experiences, luckily I myself was never heavily injured or badly beaten up. I really feel jealous of animals, they seem to be able to take pain better. I mean what is the comparison between a human who collapsed on ground from having her nose broken vs a hyena who could still stand her ground when a wild dog bit her sensitive nose and could even run away like normal when she saw no hope of winning the fight. Or that bison attacked by wolves who had wolves biting him on his genitals, both legs, stomach, and even the neck, but he could still drag them with him and actually manage to get free and run away? I wish I was as strong, not worth losing all that for big brains. All we have is toothpick launching puny arms, big brains who ache a lot with thin skulls that make it easy to knock us down, and long distance running which does not help much given our speed.