After getting SN

[BandAddict]

Those of you who have obtained SN: How do you feel now? Do you feel less suicidal? More suicidal? Are you more willing to take risks in your life or try new things? Has nothing changed?

That's a lot of questions, but I'm curious how having it has affected you, or the way you feel or spend your days.

I noticed that now that I have it, I feel really relieved, like I've finished a huge task and now I don't have to worry about it anymore. But one thing that's been strange is that I haven't been as desperate to CBT lately. It could be coincidence (pretty likely), but I've been at a sort of baseline these past few days. Still passively suicidal, but patient for now. Just wanted to hear your thoughts.

 

[Symbiote]

Whenever I'm having a moment or one of those shitty days, I go out to my truck and look at my SN bottle and then put it away because the urge is gone. You know it's there, you know you can end it at any time, but you just don't feel like it or you want to try recovering for a bit. You have an out or at least a new lease on life for as long as the shelf life of your SN. Having experienced near-death from SN, it does give me some reflection that the next time, there won't be a near-death.

 

[Fehler]

I'm a bit embarrassed but hey, when I received it I hugged the SN pot and started jumping around the room.
I was relieved a lot for 2 main points, being able to ctb from a more "Lighter" method and having received it without problems (because I put myself in a mess to get it).

A month after receiving it (as I get late to get the meto) I had an attempt but I backed out at the last moment, with the glasses already prepared...
I gave myself a truce and the move to another apartment has made me feel better. I am less suicidal but the idea is always in my head because nothing has changed. Still, I am trying to change some things, for now I do not have ctb in mind in the next few weeks but having the SN close by reassures me a lot.

I have always thought that if instead of 500g I had bought 100g I would not have backed down.

 

[BandAddict]

I'm a bit embarrassed but hey, when I received it I hugged the SN pot and started jumping around the room.
I was relieved a lot for 2 main points, being able to ctb from a more "Lighter" method and having received it without problems (because I put myself in a mess to get it).

A month after receiving it (as I get late to get the meto) I had an attempt but I backed out at the last moment, with the glasses already prepared...
I gave myself a truce and the move to another apartment has made me feel better. I am less suicidal but the idea is always in my head because nothing has changed. Still, I am trying to change some things, for now I do not have ctb in mind in the next few weeks but having the SN close by reassures me a lot.

I have always thought that if instead of 500g I had bought 100g I would not have backed down.

Hey, good for you though! Nothing wrong with waiting and seeing how things go. And that image is funny to think about, the excitement, haha.

I kept saying "fuck" under my breath because I couldn't believe I got it in the house. What a weird feeling. Like a weight has been lifted.

 

[Fehler]

I kept saying "fuck" under my breath because I couldn't believe I got it in the house. What a weird feeling. Like a weight has been lifted.

I understand you, the truth is a relief to have it around and as @Symbiote says, it also happens to me to go check the SN pot although I know it is there, not because I am more depressed than normal that day, but I need...to see it? And I have it well isolated and packaged and it takes me a while to reach it, but it's worth it.

 

[Echo81]

Those of you who have obtained SN: How do you feel now? Do you feel less suicidal? More suicidal? Are you more willing to take risks in your life or try new things? Has nothing changed?

That's a lot of questions, but I'm curious how having it has affected you, or the way you feel or spend your days.

I noticed that now that I have it, I feel really relieved, like I've finished a huge task and now I don't have to worry about it anymore. But one thing that's been strange is that I haven't been as desperate to CBT lately. It could be coincidence (pretty likely), but I've been at a sort of baseline these past few days. Still passively suicidal, but patient for now. Just wanted to hear your thoughts.

I feel 10 times more stressed out that they have removed the easy way to get it in the US. I feel angry at myself that I only have 1 bottle.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Yeah has made me less suicidal ironically enough,

 

[Ame]

When my SN was in the post, I was really anxious about it being intercepted but I was so eager to finally have it in my possession. While there is a sense of relief that comes with having it, I also feel this urgency? It is almost as if I need to rush to get it done as soon as possible because I am paranoid about having my "ticket" discovered and then taken away (I live with family, for some context). Others here have described feeling less suicidal knowing that they have SN as an exit strategy should things become too much and that such an "insurance policy" gives them the strength to give living another shot. I did consider this possibility when I placed my ordered, but now that I have it, I cannot say that I feel the same. If anything I think that it has made suicide more real and my mood has shifted to reflect that fact (I feel more numb and removed from my surroundings).

 

[BandAddict]

When my SN was in the post, I was really anxious about it being intercepted but I was so eager to finally have it in my possession. While there is a sense of relief that comes with having it, I also feel this urgency? It is almost as if I need to rush to get it done as soon as possible because I am paranoid about having my "ticket" discovered and then taken away (I live with family, for some context). Others here have described feeling less suicidal knowing that they have SN as an exit strategy should things become too much and that such an "insurance policy" gives them the strength to give living another shot. I did consider this possibility when I placed my ordered, but now that I have it, I cannot say that I feel the same. If anything I think that it has made suicide more real and my mood has shifted to reflect that fact (I feel more numb and removed from my surroundings).

I live with family too, so I understand the fear. Though mine aren't likely to find it.

I'm sorry it's had that effect on you. I can see how it would evoke urgency. To be honest, I thought I might feel that way as well, but to my surprise I feel the opposite. I'll admit it's almost disappointing for some reason. Wishing you the best.

I feel 10 times more stressed out that they have removed the easy way to get it in the US. I feel angry at myself that I only have 1 bottle.

From my understanding, I think there are still sources, just not LW which seems to be everyone's favourite. As long as its 98%+ purity it should be fine, right? Though there's definitely been a shortage of options lately...

 

[muffin222]

I feel less of an urgency to kill myself now that I have SN. Having it in my possession did imbue me with the courage to attempt recovery a few different times, knowing within that I always had an "out" if life turned unbearable for me.