Afraid of thinking my boyfriend is evil when I have a psychotic episode

[ForgottenAgain]

Yesterday I was commenting on another person's post, talking about medication for psychotic symptoms, when I started feeling something in my phone was reading my thoughts and writing them. That it wasn't me writing things, it was the machine reading my mind and writing what I was thinking, to mock me.

I was crying, my boyfriend noticed and came to help. I was afraid of saying what it was because I felt it would make it more real, but I told him. It did make things more real. He tested the phone, he was incredibly sweet and calm. I still had the same feeling and was starting to think other things around me were evil. He hid those things and put others away from me. I told him the phone was reading his thoughts too, when he was writing on it. The phone just wanted him to think it was autocorrect but it wasn't, I knew it wasn't.

I didn't want to look at his face because I was afraid he would also be evil. At the end I looked at him and thankfully he was normal.

However, today I had the appointment with my psychologist who knows me for 16 years and he said this can become dangerous. If I saw my boyfriend as evil, that things could end up very badly and for me to the seen by the psych team at the hospital sooner.

I already called the psych hospital, I'm awaiting a call back, but now I'm scared of what may happen. I have borderline PD but this situation I'm in now started with me feeling suicidal, now I'm here seeing evil things around me and others that read my thoughts. This is the 3rd episode.

I don't know what may happen...
Does anyone experience a similar thing? Can it move onto people beyond objects feeling evil? What do I do...

 

[tiger b]

This might or might not be helpful, feel free to ignore.

I experienced similar many years ago, I was under an awful lot of stress due to a horrible situation not of my making and had a bit of a breakdown (could have been far worse). There were some things I was right to be paranoid about, but I became so sensitised my senses were a bit awry. I couldn't entirely trust them because my mind was seeing itself as under threat. I briefly thought the television could read my mind. It's a horrible sensation, as incorrect as it is.

It's possible to be in a feedback loop where you notice something unusual and you panic, and that fear heightens senses and adrenalin kicks in - fueling fear and your senses then will heighten that fear to create fight or flight.

I think it's useful to have pattern interrupts and things to fall back on. I stopped watching TV and slowed down my thinking (good going because I hadn't even learned meditation then!). I would play trusted albums of slower music, pick up my guitar because it was comfort to me, nothing energetic, be by myself, play an old game for nostalgia. I'd give myself a chance to settle and see what happened as a temporary glitch. If I could find anything to laugh at, I would. Laughter is the relief of tension. Easy to say, hard to do. I found cooking and cleaning to be of benefit, also.

I slowed my mind down. Years later when I studied therapy, I actually learned the value of this. I guess I was lucky at the time.

The main thing is not to pour fuel on any misperceptions by overreacting to them. The part of you that watches things happening can communicate calmly with you. I'd suggest not to combat any misperceptions or go to war with yourself. Just take the sting out of them and recognise that clouds in your perception can and do pass. Don't be a horrified bystander to yourself.

It's not about knowing what will or what will happen. Don't let your imagination speculate on this. Whatever happens, you'll deal with it as best you can. If your senses are awry, you still have plenty of control, potentially.

You might temporarily feel you are under attack, but you are not. Noone can read your mind. I knew some clever readers of people. What made them clever was they recognised how inaccurate the processes mostly were. Let's just say something actually could read your mind, why presume malevolence.

Just my opinion. I have some background and qualifications in some strains of therapy but I am not a qualified psychologist not a trained medical professional, not would I ever claim to be one.

I wish you well. Feel free to message me about anything, should you think I would be helpful.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

This might or might not be helpful, feel free to ignore.

I experienced similar many years ago, I was under an awful lot of stress due to a horrible situation not of my making and had a bit of a breakdown (could have been far worse). There were some things I was right to be paranoid about, but I became so sensitised my senses were a bit awry. I couldn't entirely trust them because my mind was seeing itself as under threat. I briefly thought the television could read my mind. It's a horrible sensation, as incorrect as it is.

It's possible to be in a feedback loop where you notice something unusual and you panic, and that fear heightens senses and adrenalin kicks in - fueling fear and your senses then will heighten that fear to create fight or flight.

I think it's useful to have pattern interrupts and things to fall back on. I stopped watching TV and slowed down my thinking (good going because I hadn't even learned meditation then!). I would play trusted albums of slower music, pick up my guitar because it was comfort to me, nothing energetic, be by myself, play an old game for nostalgia. I'd give myself a chance to settle and see what happened as a temporary glitch. If I could find anything to laugh at, I would. Laughter is the relief of tension. Easy to say, hard to do. I found cooking and cleaning to be of benefit, also.

I slowed my mind down. Years later when I studied therapy, I actually learned the value of this. I guess I was lucky at the time.

The main thing is not to pour fuel on any misperceptions by overreacting to them. The part of you that watches things happening can communicate calmly with you. I'd suggest not to combat any misperceptions or go to war with yourself. Just take the sting out of them and recognise that clouds in your perception can and do pass. Don't be a horrified bystander to yourself.

It's not about knowing what will or what will happen. Don't let your imagination speculate on this. Whatever happens, you'll deal with it as best you can. If your senses are awry, you still have plenty of control, potentially.

You might temporarily feel you are under attack, but you are not. Noone can read your mind. I knew some clever readers of people. What made them clever was they recognised how inaccurate the processes mostly were. Let's just say something actually could read your mind, why presume malevolence.

Just my opinion. I have some background and qualifications in some strains of therapy but I am not a qualified psychologist not a trained medical professional, not would I ever claim to be one.

I wish you well. Feel free to message me about anything, should you think I would be helpful.

Thank you for this, it is useful and you sound very wise.

It frightens me because it's always something scary. After the telephone was put away, I looked at the chest of drawers and the holes for grabbing each drawer looked like malefic smiles. Then it was the plate where I had 2 biscuits, looked like a malefic face smiling, like the alternate mother in the movie Coraline, with the button eyes.

The suggestions you made are good. When this was happening and I got those things either hidden or away from me, I went to watch hamster videos with my boyfriend, since I looked at my hamster calendar and felt it wasn't evil.
Three videos in and I was a bit better although still on edge, straight after that I played my comfort videogame which requires a lot of attention.

I don't want to be a bystander, it just feels like those things can hurt me. Have they ever hurt you? I know that it's just a phone but, even now, I'm kind of in doubt about if it's just a phone or there's some supernatural stuff happening. I know it may sound silly but I'm confused.

 

[tiger b]

I'd rather have lived in ignorant bliss than having any shred of wisdom, but sometimes life has other plans for us!

What you talk of is Pareidolia. It's not a unique experience to yourself. You are ascribing evil qualities to these objects. You might have some choice over that. If you don't...I'd personally print cat pictures and stick them there! The cats will eat away the evil! Well, you see I could never interpret cats as evil. Especially tigers. You could try something else you really like.

Ah you're on to that...watching hamster videos was a great idea. And the comfort videogame. Your boyfriend sounds really supportive. Brilliant.

Nothing that isn't real can hurt you. Nothing. I tell you that for a fact. Feelings that something are real or are evil are just that, powerful as they are. Feelings are messages - these messages are a product of misfiring senses.

The phone...it is silly but possibly understandable. I'm not going to hazard a guess as to exactly what happened, I don't know enough details (but I feel beyond putting your mind at rest they are irrelevant) but I'll say this: if someone is sensitive, in my opinion it's possible to feel things that our minds (a huge filter) actively block out. Our minds cannot cope well with information overload. Phones receive and send a form of electromagnetic waves. They are not evil. But you might have felt a new sensation very vaguely, and were triggered with this, along with reading on the subject matter you were, and the way your phone responded (and I've seen phones glitch in bizarre ways before). I don't think it's wise dissecting it too much right now - postpone it until you feel 100%. If you still have doubts, that's fine, just suspend the inquiry into them for now, ok?

Your phone cannot harm you and cannot read your mind. No such technology is available.

It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I hope you're feeling less on edge.

"Even the muddiest water, when left to stand, will clear". Just give yourself that time.