Venting Afraid of my insecurities turning into nightmares

[alanitis]

I am so very tired of pretending I'm okay. Every now and then I have to try to avoid the pain by distracting myself with whatever I can. But seems like that too is now not helping much. The only thing that mattered the most is getting away from me with each passing day and the will to live goes with it too. Slowly and slowly I'm getting nightmares of what if I can't do anything to ease this pain and have to deal with it again? Neither do I have the power to go through it again nor am I able to do anything about it.

My family thinks I'm doing this because of the frustration of Lockdown and I want them to think it like that only. The very few friends think it's just another mood swing and I'll get over it and that's the thing, I don't want to get over it. I am turning into a selfish person by thinking just how much I am suffering but I can't afford to be people solving my problems because I'm so tired of it.

I just want to sleep. And just sleep.

 

[maru.]

I am so very tired of pretending I'm okay. Every now and then I have to try to avoid the pain by distracting myself with whatever I can. But seems like that too is now not helping much. The only thing that mattered the most is getting away from me with each passing day and the will to live goes with it too. Slowly and slowly I'm getting nightmares of what if I can't do anything to ease this pain and have to deal with it again? Neither do I have the power to go through it again nor am I able to do anything about it.

My family thinks I'm doing this because of the frustration of Lockdown and I want them to think it like that only. The very few friends think it's just another mood swing and I'll get over it and that's the thing, I don't want to get over it. I am turning into a selfish person by thinking just how much I am suffering but I can't afford to be people solving my problems because I'm so tired of it.

I just want to sleep. And just sleep.

It seems you've joined just a few days ago, so before anything else, i'd like to say: Welcome!
This is one of the most loving places in the whole web i think, so i'm sure you'll feel loved here.
You can count on us to help in any way we can, and to give all of the empathy we have.

Now, about the things you've said.
You've mentioned being tired of hiding what you really feel.
You're not alone in this, many people here do it, as a way of protecting the ones we love, it's very selfless, and you're a great friend and family member for it.
However, you also seem bothered with your friends and family not taking your depression and misery for what it is.
Now, i know talking to them can be difficult, especially about such a sensible subject.
But you can't expect them to just guess and connect the dots by themselves.
It's actually very common in depressive memes, this situation, as in, when people ask, we say we're ok, and then get surprised when they think we're ok.
Of course, this advice depends on how open you think they are for this kind of thing.
If you think someone will react poorly to it, don't talk to them right away about it.
But if there's anyone you really trust, be open with them, i'm sure you'll feel better if you have this kind of emotional support.
Just say that it's not just the lockdown, it's not just an emotional swing, you're really not ok at all.
Hopefully, they'll understand.

Also, about your depression itself.
While talking to other people helps, it's not enough to cure it, it just makes it a bit easier to have that support.
To cure it, we need to understand what caused it in the first place.
The things you've mentioned, the pain you're feeling, if you don't feel uncomfortable talking about it, i'd like to know more.
Maybe i can help somehow.

 

[alanitis]

It seems you've joined just a few days ago, so before anything else, i'd like to say: Welcome!
This is one of the most loving places in the whole web i think, so i'm sure you'll feel loved here.
You can count on us to help in any way we can, and to give all of the empathy we have.

Now, about the things you've said.
You've mentioned being tired of hiding what you really feel.
You're not alone in this, many people here do it, as a way of protecting the ones we love, it's very selfless, and you're a great friend and family member for it.
However, you also seem bothered with your friends and family not taking your depression and misery for what it is.
Now, i know talking to them can be difficult, especially about such a sensible subject.
But you can't expect them to just guess and connect the dots by themselves.
It's actually very common in depressive memes, this situation, as in, when people ask, we say we're ok, and then get surprised when they think we're ok.
Of course, this advice depends on how open you think they are for this kind of thing.
If you think someone will react poorly to it, don't talk to them right away about it.
But if there's anyone you really trust, be open with them, i'm sure you'll feel better if you have this kind of emotional support.
Just say that it's not just the lockdown, it's not just an emotional swing, you're really not ok at all.
Hopefully, they'll understand.

Also, about your depression itself.
While talking to other people helps, it's not enough to cure it, it just makes it a bit easier to have that support.
To cure it, we need to understand what caused it in the first place.
The things you've mentioned, the pain you're feeling, if you don't feel uncomfortable talking about it, i'd like to know more.
Maybe i can help somehow.

Thank a lot Maru for the kind words and greeting. I do want to talk about it but don't know how to message here. Also, it's not that my parents won't understand depression but I don't want them to suffer continuously. It's my personal opinion that ctb makes it terribly more painful but the whole pain vanishes in some time.

 

[maru.]

Thank a lot Maru for the kind words and greeting. I do want to talk about it but don't know how to message here. Also, it's not that my parents won't understand depression but I don't want them to suffer continuously. It's my personal opinion that ctb makes it terribly more painful but the whole pain vanishes in some time.

I think you need to have a certain number of posts to be able to PM people, and for them to PM you.
I don't remember what that number is tho.
If you want to talk more about it, you can through here, it's just that it'll be public unfortunately, so i understand why it could be a problem.

I know what you mean about your parents.
I know mine would understand if i talked about my depression, but i too have a hard time talking to them about it.
So i understand what you're experiencing, it's ok.
Still, i've talked openly with some close friends about it, mostly when we get drunk, and they were very supportive.
It's not like that for everyone tho unfortunately, but i guess if you really trust a couple of friends, they could help you.
I just wouldn't talk straight up about suicidal thoughts, but depression is something really common now sadly, so it could be more ok to talk about.
They'd understand i think.