Venting Afraid and paranoid

[suffering]

I used to be very vocal about my misanthropy both in real life and online, I didn't give a damn anymore and I was sure I could end it or manage to just be alone. Life has fucked me up however, and now I have to look presentable to my potential employers. Everything is a minefield. What will they find online? What if one of their employees knows me?
What have I done to my life? I have so few money left, I will be out in the streets if I don't manage to find work soon. I have no plan B. What the hell will I do? Go to a monastery? Become homeless?
This is a never ending nightmare. I feel sick just thinking about it. I can't eat anymore, I feel like puking.

 

[suffering]

I think they got me. I almost got an offer and now they are not answering anymore. I think they found out. I can't eat and I'm starving. I feel like I am going insane. If only I knew I had the courage to end it... everything would be easier. But no, I am trapped. I can't take it anymore.