bramblebamblebambe
Member
- Jan 3, 2023
- 43
I think I am looking for advice more then help.
I am autistic and I think I'm in the middle of paranoia/ psychosis/ delusion/ PTSD/BPD/ brain fog episode or a mixture but I'm not sure.
I am planning to ctb really soon, but am scared of si, so I stopped smoking marijuana a couple of days ago, as it is the only thing that could prevent me from going through with it. Marijuana helps me with my sensory issues, flashbacks, eating, sleeping, paranoia and dulls the intensity of my suicidal thoughts and it makes me think logically. Doctors will not give me anything other than propranolol as I have a history of abusing medication.
But now I am wondering if it was not a good decision to make as it has become unbearable. I am constantly scared of everyone, even the people around me who are supposed to be safe, I don't trust anyone, most of the time I'm sweating, have shakes and am crying, hitting/banging my head when it's overwhelming, I slept a lil this morning but didn't sleep the day before, struggle to eat, the flashbacks are more intense, I'm having random panic attacks where I'm just shouting random words, but the worst is that it's hurting the people I love, especially my mum, I get scared of her and aggressive, I'm even shouting at the dogs when they come over to comfort me because being touched triggers me , I hate this, it's like my suffering is spilling out and causes others pain. I truly truly despise myself, I know I'm being horrible but the intrusive thoughts are too strong and even though I feel intense guilt, shame and regret after I still don't trust people, I'm so resentful and bitter and can't seem to self sooth, I think I'm dehumanising them. I feel so alone and scared but it's my own fault for self -sabotaging
Before I wanted my last days to be peaceful, now I don't care so much, most of my life has been like this (until I started smoking) what does it matter if it ends this way yanno? but I don't want to cause pain to anybody else especially the ones I love, it's breaking my heart. There are some moments I can settle, it's mostly when I'm numb but it's getting harder to camouflage/mask, I want to so badly for them.
I think it is possible for me to ctb and still smoke marijuana but as you can probably tell the chances are a lot more in my favour if I don't.
Because I'm in the middle of an episode, I can't keep focus, I'm more impulsive I have this constant urge, to do it now or to tell someone my plans which obviously will run everything and I keep making mistakes, it takes me a lot longer to process things and I was already slow before, and I almost crashed the car yesterday accidentally, (the irony!). I wonder if I'm too unstable/jittery and that could also prevent me going through with it?
Also my family are getting more concerned with the state I am in and am scared they will intervene before I plan to.
There is another catch though, the dealer I get it from sometimes wants to have sex with me and this scares me, he prolly won't this time cause he'll see my state and I'm quite confident it's a turn off but because of past traumas, I can't say no, I freeze and just let it happen, it's horrible and feels like I'm being raped again.
I have given up mary-jane before when I have been in a much more supported and healthier state and this didn't happen so it is not likely to be withdrawals. There is no drug support where I am as it is getting less stigmatized in the UK and therefore more common and so not seen as big as a priority as heavier substances.
I know it sounds pathetic but in a way, she has been the only true friend I have had.
Sorry this is so long!
Thank you for reading I hope it makes sense. I'm confused and scared, I don't know what to do, I know I'm not thinking straight so I don't trust my own thoughts either, any advice would be appreciated please be kind, thank you
I am autistic and I think I'm in the middle of paranoia/ psychosis/ delusion/ PTSD/BPD/ brain fog episode or a mixture but I'm not sure.
I am planning to ctb really soon, but am scared of si, so I stopped smoking marijuana a couple of days ago, as it is the only thing that could prevent me from going through with it. Marijuana helps me with my sensory issues, flashbacks, eating, sleeping, paranoia and dulls the intensity of my suicidal thoughts and it makes me think logically. Doctors will not give me anything other than propranolol as I have a history of abusing medication.
But now I am wondering if it was not a good decision to make as it has become unbearable. I am constantly scared of everyone, even the people around me who are supposed to be safe, I don't trust anyone, most of the time I'm sweating, have shakes and am crying, hitting/banging my head when it's overwhelming, I slept a lil this morning but didn't sleep the day before, struggle to eat, the flashbacks are more intense, I'm having random panic attacks where I'm just shouting random words, but the worst is that it's hurting the people I love, especially my mum, I get scared of her and aggressive, I'm even shouting at the dogs when they come over to comfort me because being touched triggers me , I hate this, it's like my suffering is spilling out and causes others pain. I truly truly despise myself, I know I'm being horrible but the intrusive thoughts are too strong and even though I feel intense guilt, shame and regret after I still don't trust people, I'm so resentful and bitter and can't seem to self sooth, I think I'm dehumanising them. I feel so alone and scared but it's my own fault for self -sabotaging
Before I wanted my last days to be peaceful, now I don't care so much, most of my life has been like this (until I started smoking) what does it matter if it ends this way yanno? but I don't want to cause pain to anybody else especially the ones I love, it's breaking my heart. There are some moments I can settle, it's mostly when I'm numb but it's getting harder to camouflage/mask, I want to so badly for them.
I think it is possible for me to ctb and still smoke marijuana but as you can probably tell the chances are a lot more in my favour if I don't.
Because I'm in the middle of an episode, I can't keep focus, I'm more impulsive I have this constant urge, to do it now or to tell someone my plans which obviously will run everything and I keep making mistakes, it takes me a lot longer to process things and I was already slow before, and I almost crashed the car yesterday accidentally, (the irony!). I wonder if I'm too unstable/jittery and that could also prevent me going through with it?
Also my family are getting more concerned with the state I am in and am scared they will intervene before I plan to.
There is another catch though, the dealer I get it from sometimes wants to have sex with me and this scares me, he prolly won't this time cause he'll see my state and I'm quite confident it's a turn off but because of past traumas, I can't say no, I freeze and just let it happen, it's horrible and feels like I'm being raped again.
I have given up mary-jane before when I have been in a much more supported and healthier state and this didn't happen so it is not likely to be withdrawals. There is no drug support where I am as it is getting less stigmatized in the UK and therefore more common and so not seen as big as a priority as heavier substances.
I know it sounds pathetic but in a way, she has been the only true friend I have had.
Sorry this is so long!
Thank you for reading
I hope it makes sense. I'm confused and scared, I don't know what to do, I know I'm not thinking straight so I don't trust my own thoughts either, any advice would be appreciated please be kind, thank you 
