Venting Advice Needed– Should I really go and how?

[futurebuscatcher]

Sorry in advance if this is incoherent– I literally don't know how else to say this this but I need advice.



For context, I have literally been wanting to die since I was a young kid, and ever since I haven't truly been happy.

I keep getting these awful boughts of moodswings where things are decent one minute and then the very next moment I fall into this huge pit where I am planning my attempt and losing my mind. I have a lot of stuff squared away and yet even in these moodswings where I want to die more than anything can't actually do it– it feels too draining and there's a part of my that's afraid to do it. There is a stupid part of me that wants help, to get better, and maybe some form of validation.

I've only taken the bare minimum care for my body and barely even eating and I can't even find it in myself to enjoy the things that once made me happy like video games or even shows. Some people in my life have been wanting to buy me gifts and I can't accept them cause I don't see myself living long enough to make any use of them or even give me joy.

I guess the question is am I truly suicidal or is this something else? I'm on meds and everything but I don't know. Is it just a need for attention? But the other question is how does one really will themselves into going through with it?

There's also a weird part of me that wants to make a half attempt that can see if I truly want to die or see if that spurs me or the people around to make me get help (but psych wards fucking suck so idk). I don't know if there's any advice on that either. But also what about these extreme shifts that have me writing notes and debating when to go?

Sorry if this is dumb/pathetic/all over the place or if I'm crossing a line of sort. I just don't know what to do. I'm not asking for anyone to sway me to one side, just for some other perspectives.

 

[landslide2]

There is a stupid part of me that wants help, to get better, and maybe some form of validation.

Sorry if this is dumb/pathetic/all over the place or if I'm crossing a line of sort. I just don't know what to do. I'm not asking for anyone to sway me to one side, just for some other perspectives.

There is nothing dumb or pathetic in what you wrote at all! And if any part of you, even if the feeling isn't constant, thinks of wanting help and to get better, then you should try taking a bigger step, leap even, in that direction.

Maybe the current meds aren't working and you need to try something else, something to talk to your doctor about! Are you also doing therapy?

 

[Reflection]

I believe that as long as you're having doubts about whether or not you want to commit suicide, then you most likely should try to seek all the help you can. I think it's something that should be done until you are completely sure that you've got no other way left, and are content with your decision.

 

[canijo]

I kind of understand you, i too had my first suicidal thoughts when i was i kid, I never considered myself happy, instead I always felt like I did not belong and i would never do.

There is a stupid part of me that wants help, to get better, and maybe some form of validation

I don't think that's stupid at all, life does sometimes take a turn for the better. It's a powerful hope even though sometimes might not be enough (or it is even too much)

I've only taken the bare minimum care for my body and barely even eating and I can't even find it in myself to enjoy the things that once made me happy like video games or even shows. Some people in my life have been wanting to buy me gifts and I can't accept them cause I don't see myself living long enough to make any use of them or even give me joy.

I feel this is literally textbook depression, and even tough i have not really been successful getting treated for it, and now i'm quite bad again, it CAN get better (for me it did get better for a long time)

I dont know about your financial situation. But if you are able, even though it could feel hard as fuck, to try and search for a therapist / psychologist that works for you. You will probably fail at first, so dont be scared to just drop it and search for another if you dont like it. And through time you "might" find someone that clicks a little with you. This does not always necessarily happen, and i don't personally like at all any doctor that relies too much on pharmacology, or is "esoteric" at all. But i did have someone for some time that really helped, and with whom I connected and could help me vent about my stuff and root me a little better to the ground.

These moodswings despite being medicated also hint that you should talk to your doctor about them (if you haven already). Medication is faaaaaar from perfect (in many cases doesnt even work at all), but it could be useful that he knows well your state of mind to adjust to it.

I guess the question is am I truly suicidal or is this something else? I'm on meds and everything but I don't know. Is it just a need for attention? But the other question is how does one really will themselves into going through with it?

Yes, you probably are truly suicidal. Being suicidal does not only mean I WANT TO DIE, it means that suicide is on your backlog too much too often. There is no need to question yourself about this. You probably also want attention, there is nothing wrong with that. So i dont think it's about "willing yourself to it", but about: "can you still picture a future where life makes sense to you?". Even if it seems impossible to realize. For a long time, even if i felt miserable, i could imagine a future where i would be OK with myself. I personally thought that i could eventually became a game-programmer, and have a little studio, and make enough money to have normal life, and that through that life i could find some people to be friends to (even though my dreams are shattered now xD)

There's also a weird part of me that wants to make a half attempt that can see if I truly want to die or see if that spurs me or the people around to make me get help

This is up to you, however in my honest opinion. It seems you've got some will to try and find a way out.

I really dont want to judge you in any way, and just wanted to leave you my toughts, that life did once get better for me (though i didnt trully take full advantage of that), and that if you are not sure, and you still have a will, then I want to let you know that getting better is a possibility

hope it helps

 

[futurebuscatcher]

There is nothing dumb or pathetic in what you wrote at all! And if any part of you, even if the feeling isn't constant, thinks of wanting help and to get better, then you should try taking a bigger step, leap even, in that direction.

Maybe the current meds aren't working and you need to try something else, something to talk to your doctor about! Are you also doing therapy?

Yeah I'm getting some I just hope it works
Hey

I kind of understand you, i too had my first suicidal thoughts when i was i kid, I never considered myself happy, instead I always felt like I did not belong and i would never do.


I don't think that's stupid at all, life does sometimes take a turn for the better. It's a powerful hope even though sometimes might not be enough (or it is even too much)

I feel this is literally textbook depression, and even tough i have not really been successful getting treated for it, and now i'm quite bad again, it CAN get better (for me it did get better for a long time)

I dont know about your financial situation. But if you are able, even though it could feel hard as fuck, to try and search for a therapist / psychologist that works for you. You will probably fail at first, so dont be scared to just drop it and search for another if you dont like it. And through time you "might" find someone that clicks a little with you. This does not always necessarily happen, and i don't personally like at all any doctor that relies too much on pharmacology, or is "esoteric" at all. But i did have someone for some time that really helped, and with whom I connected and could help me vent about my stuff and root me a little better to the ground.

These moodswings despite being medicated also hint that you should talk to your doctor about them (if you haven already). Medication is faaaaaar from perfect (in many cases doesnt even work at all), but it could be useful that he knows well your state of mind to adjust to it.


Yes, you probably are truly suicidal. Being suicidal does not only mean I WANT TO DIE, it means that suicide is on your backlog too much too often. There is no need to question yourself about this. You probably also want attention, there is nothing wrong with that. So i dont think it's about "willing yourself to it", but about: "can you still picture a future where life makes sense to you?". Even if it seems impossible to realize. For a long time, even if i felt miserable, i could imagine a future where i would be OK with myself. I personally thought that i could eventually became a game-programmer, and have a little studio, and make enough money to have normal life, and that through that life i could find some people to be friends to (even though my dreams are shattered now xD)


This is up to you, however in my honest opinion. It seems you've got some will to try and find a way out.

I really dont want to judge you in any way, and just wanted to leave you my toughts, that life did once get better for me (though i didnt trully take full advantage of that), and that if you are not sure, and you still have a will, then I want to let you know that getting better is a possibility

hope it helps

Hey thank you for this you really put into perspective for me
Hey

I kind of understand you, i too had my first suicidal thoughts when i was i kid, I never considered myself happy, instead I always felt like I did not belong and i would never do.


I don't think that's stupid at all, life does sometimes take a turn for the better. It's a powerful hope even though sometimes might not be enough (or it is even too much)

I feel this is literally textbook depression, and even tough i have not really been successful getting treated for it, and now i'm quite bad again, it CAN get better (for me it did get better for a long time)

I dont know about your financial situation. But if you are able, even though it could feel hard as fuck, to try and search for a therapist / psychologist that works for you. You will probably fail at first, so dont be scared to just drop it and search for another if you dont like it. And through time you "might" find someone that clicks a little with you. This does not always necessarily happen, and i don't personally like at all any doctor that relies too much on pharmacology, or is "esoteric" at all. But i did have someone for some time that really helped, and with whom I connected and could help me vent about my stuff and root me a little better to the ground.

These moodswings despite being medicated also hint that you should talk to your doctor about them (if you haven already). Medication is faaaaaar from perfect (in many cases doesnt even work at all), but it could be useful that he knows well your state of mind to adjust to it.


Yes, you probably are truly suicidal. Being suicidal does not only mean I WANT TO DIE, it means that suicide is on your backlog too much too often. There is no need to question yourself about this. You probably also want attention, there is nothing wrong with that. So i dont think it's about "willing yourself to it", but about: "can you still picture a future where life makes sense to you?". Even if it seems impossible to realize. For a long time, even if i felt miserable, i could imagine a future where i would be OK with myself. I personally thought that i could eventually became a game-programmer, and have a little studio, and make enough money to have normal life, and that through that life i could find some people to be friends to (even though my dreams are shattered now xD)


This is up to you, however in my honest opinion. It seems you've got some will to try and find a way out.

I really dont want to judge you in any way, and just wanted to leave you my toughts, that life did once get better for me (though i didnt trully take full advantage of that), and that if you are not sure, and you still have a will, then I want to let you know that getting better is a possibility

hope it helps

Hey thank you for this you really put into perspective for me

 

[landslide2]

Yeah I'm getting some I just hope it works

it may take a little time and be a little up and down. because you know you tend to swing between states, i don't think it'll be helpful to spend time here for now. instead give yourself over to getting help, and allow yourself some compassion, some room for the downs. if things get bad and you feel like you can't talk to anyone, this place will still be here. and there is a recovery forum for even then.

 

[willitpass]

No one can tell you if you should go. That is a decision for you and you alone to make. And no one can tell you how either. If you are questioning getting help then I would listen to your mind and try it. If it doesn't work then you can reevaluate. The option for death after attempting recovery is never going away. The option for recovery is over as soon as you die. If you are feeling like you should give it a chance then you should do it.