Advice needed on dealing with my shitty family

[rebelsue]

I was actually working pretty hard on my recovery until my dad intruded on my life last night via text.

He beat and yelled at me and my brother my whole life, pitted us against each other so that now I have no relationship with my brother at all. My mom was a victim of his madness as well and she turned into a spineless, meek, unconfident woman whose brain is so clouded with anxiety that she can't form her own opinions on anything and just became addicted to exercise and wine and plastic surgery. I fucking hate my tool family members. They think they had nothing to do with how I turned out, and that I was just born bad/broken. They are disappointed that I didn't grow up into a sweet, kind, loving woman with a good career...like all their friends' kids. My mom even told my husband once that if I killed myself, they'd all be free. My dad told my in-laws at our wedding, with a laugh, that I was now my husband's problem. My inlaws are toxic shitty people, too, and even they were puzzled by why my dad would say something like that.

My parents literally hate me. And yet, they demand things of me. My dad sent a text last night saying that my 96 year old grandma had three days to live (she's an awful person, too, and an abuse victim) and that my mom is sad that I won't call her on Mothers' Day. My mom has blocked me from her phone so even if I wanted to I couldn't. I guess I could email her. But I don't want to. She sold me out. She never protected me from abuse, and never even admitted to any wrongdoing. She blames me for all of it...because I had colic as a baby and was delivered by forceps, she said that's what gave me my mental illness and what justified their abandonment of me. To them, I've always been an awful child and they wonder why I can't "just get it together" and be a good daughter.

I'm feeling so awful about myself all over again. I hate them. I hate that they won't let me move on. I guess I do need to be childish and block them back. I didn't want to because I wanted to leave the lines open for reconciliation. But why? Why do I feel obligated to them when they don't even like me?

I want to get back to where I was a day ago. I want to be strong-ish again. How do I deal with this text? Do I send my mom an obligatory mothers' day email so she can feel better? It might make me look good to the extended family who probably thinks I'm evil. But my mom couldn't even admit the simplest things to me about my abuse even when I was crying and begging her to do it, telling her it would help me a lot if she did, that it would help my suicidality if she did. She wouldn't do it. She still blames me and protects my dad. Why should I give her anything??

 

[GoBack]

God I don't know, you must have a thunderstorm of emotion around your family. I'm the same with mine except I live with them right now, something is gonna break soon. Take some time out, do something else, maybe the answer will come to you then?

 

[hippiescum]

Just fuck them off lol. Don't overthink it. They undermined you and never cared for you, so why should you care for them. Right now I live with my abusive father and my mother who can't do anything, she wants us to move away and leave him behind us, but she has no money. I'm 20 and still in collage and can't wait to finish it and start earning money so we can run away from him. Just be glad that you have moved away from them and leave that shit behind you, block their phones and e-mails...everything. You are living with your husband whom you love, focus on that and cherish it.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'mma go on a rant here because I'm defensive on your behalf. Sorry to sound bossy, I'm just venting. Take what you want from what I write here, discard the rest.


My advice: go no contact with the whole bunch.

The Mother's Day thing is a double-bind -- she blocks you from calling, so you're supposed to make extra effort that she won't appreciate? That's like cooking a complex, utterly delicious gourmet meal and putting it directly in the garbage disposal.

These people don't see you for who or what you are, they see you through lenses that have nothing to do with reality, and they don't want to see reality, they're comfortable with the lenses. You will never be able to satisfy them or make them happy. If you became all they wanted, they would shift the blame and focus to something else. If they threw a party and told you what to bring and you showed up on time with exactly what they said to, they would blame you for showing up on time with exactly what they said to, or they would move the party to a different location when they saw you coming, and blame you for not figuring it out on your own because you had colic and were a forceps delivery and are just inherently bad. If Jesus came down from heaven and held their hands, they'd say he was holding too tight or too loose, or he needed to clip his nails or wash his hands first, or his sandals were tracking heaven dirt.

I too was scapegoated. My father was a cop and protected a city but not me. He was weak and an enabler like your mother. Your mother needs your father and other narcissists and abusers to define reality for her. She will never believe actual reality, especially if it comes from you, because she's been brainwashed that you are the enemy, defective, wrong, etc.

These folks have fed off of you all your life. It's called narcissistic supply. They are vampires. They suck out your life force to feed what's dead in them, but it can't bring them back to life, they can't process what isn't theirs, like a different blood type, so they just feed and feed and shit it out. Your life force is yours to own and use for yourself.

 

[BPD Barbie]

In my opinion you can do one of 2 things. Either just ignore all together and focus on yourself and your recovery or try and take the moral high ground and send the mothers day email. I guess it's a case of weighing up what you have to lose by doing so.

 

[strand]

My situation is similar. I'd suggest going no contact too. (I haven't done that to my parents yet, but that's where we're heading.) If your parents make no effort to connect with you and make amends, apologize or at least admit some of their failings, what's the point? You can't keep feeding the narcissist forever. Now about mother's day, you can send her an email, mother's day is coming up on Sunday and cutting them off is a difficult decision to take. You can see it as a formality, but you have every reason to no longer comply with their requests.

 

[SipSop]

I was actually working pretty hard on my recovery until my dad intruded on my life last night via text.

He beat and yelled at me and my brother my whole life, pitted us against each other so that now I have no relationship with my brother at all. My mom was a victim of his madness as well and she turned into a spineless, meek, unconfident woman whose brain is so clouded with anxiety that she can't form her own opinions on anything and just became addicted to exercise and wine and plastic surgery. I fucking hate my tool family members. They think they had nothing to do with how I turned out, and that I was just born bad/broken. They are disappointed that I didn't grow up into a sweet, kind, loving woman with a good career...like all their friends' kids. My mom even told my husband once that if I killed myself, they'd all be free. My dad told my in-laws at our wedding, with a laugh, that I was now my husband's problem. My inlaws are toxic shitty people, too, and even they were puzzled by why my dad would say something like that.

My parents literally hate me. And yet, they demand things of me. My dad sent a text last night saying that my 96 year old grandma had three days to live (she's an awful person, too, and an abuse victim) and that my mom is sad that I won't call her on Mothers' Day. My mom has blocked me from her phone so even if I wanted to I couldn't. I guess I could email her. But I don't want to. She sold me out. She never protected me from abuse, and never even admitted to any wrongdoing. She blames me for all of it...because I had colic as a baby and was delivered by forceps, she said that's what gave me my mental illness and what justified their abandonment of me. To them, I've always been an awful child and they wonder why I can't "just get it together" and be a good daughter.

I'm feeling so awful about myself all over again. I hate them. I hate that they won't let me move on. I guess I do need to be childish and block them back. I didn't want to because I wanted to leave the lines open for reconciliation. But why? Why do I feel obligated to them when they don't even like me?

I want to get back to where I was a day ago. I want to be strong-ish again. How do I deal with this text? Do I send my mom an obligatory mothers' day email so she can feel better? It might make me look good to the extended family who probably thinks I'm evil. But my mom couldn't even admit the simplest things to me about my abuse even when I was crying and begging her to do it, telling her it would help me a lot if she did, that it would help my suicidality if she did. She wouldn't do it. She still blames me and protects my dad. Why should I give her anything??

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My mom sold me to my abusive father too. 2 times even. When I left home I did it on the window because my drunk father broke the door of the house of my gone grandma. It was cold and I left at night on bare foot. I've meet cops on the street and told them what happened and they agreed to help me. We went there and he denied everything, telling them that he did it to see if I was safe! Even if he was smelling of alcohol like mad. My mom arrived when he called. And I believed that we can put him in jail with out confesions, but surprise was on my side... when I entusiasticly told her to tell the policemen what he did to us all those years she scolded and yelled at me. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. She was complaining that very day that she can not take it anymore. I beginned to cry. And left. I put all my bellogings in my car and left. Later she told me that he called her and told her that he saw a boy jumping off the window of my house!!! Like I had a affair with a boy. He was inside the home, alone, when stated that.

 

[Huntfish34]

110% Agreed with everyone here..... I'm very sorry you are having to go / deal with all of these toxic ass Fckn people, of whom is your Close family at that. Never been in such a situation with my parents and I'm not married, so it would be a Lie if I said I completely understood or that I've been there. .

What I Do totally understand is the toxic people/ resentments aspect, which I'm going through with a fellow co- worker right Now. I hate it, its All so Damn toxic . So go ahead and send the e-mail.. Or Don't. Just follow your heart, do what you feel is best, and Stick to it without looking back. I wholeheartedly respect either way honestly.

Sending nothing but Prayers, Blessings, and Love your way. God Bless. ❤

 

[timf]

I had alcoholic parents and went into the Army at 17 to get away. My sister remained entangled for years and finally found some sanity in an Adult Children of Alcoholics group. Alanon may also offer some sanity. When dealing with toxic and manipulative people distance is about the only option. Reason, logic, and truth seem to offer little effect. Approaches like counter bullying or manipulation only entangle you in their madness.

One tactic that may offer some distance if you are not ready for a complete break is to use delay. I knew a man who had a business doing electrical and plumbing jobs for people. When he was asked to do a job that he did not want to do, he never said "no". He would never find the time and after several months or even years people would pursue other options. Sometimes this option is called "passive aggressive". However, it can be useful in distancing.

 

[rebelsue]

I had alcoholic parents and went into the Army at 17 to get away. My sister remained entangled for years and finally found some sanity in an Adult Children of Alcoholics group. Alanon may also offer some sanity. When dealing with toxic and manipulative people distance is about the only option. Reason, logic, and truth seem to offer little effect. Approaches like counter bullying or manipulation only entangle you in their madness.

One tactic that may offer some distance if you are not ready for a complete break is to use delay. I knew a man who had a business doing electrical and plumbing jobs for people. When he was asked to do a job that he did not want to do, he never said "no". He would never find the time and after several months or even years people would pursue other options. Sometimes this option is called "passive aggressive". However, it can be useful in distancing.

You sound like my brother. He left at 16 and then eventually joined the military after high school to get away. I am the sister that remained entangled until I was 30. I genuinely wish I had made myself escape sooner. I had an opportunity to do that when I was in college but chose to move back in with them and transfer schools. I could have been 1000 miles away from them and built my own life, but I was still under their spell for such a long time. They aren't alcoholics or narcissists. They are just shitty people with underdeveloped emotional intelligence.

The unfortunate outcome of this is that because of his independence, my brother has somewhat forgotten his original reasons for leaving home, and thinks his life is perfect, that our parents are "saints," and that I am a piece of shit for "claiming to be traumatized." Because I remained entangled with them for so long, not realizing what I was really doing to myself, he assumes that my life was wonderful and easy because they "took care of me." It was actually nothing of the sort. They gave me financial support because I was chronically ill and couldn't work. I had many many attempts at working full time and living independently through my 20s and they always failed because the illness was like a wave that would crash over me any time I got a foothold in anything. I eventually did get better...I'm not fully healed but I'm functional now due to some surgeries. That was when I finally started really breaking free of them, but it wasn't until grad school that I actually realized everything that happened. It was like someone murdered my soul when I figured it all out. I feel like I died a long time ago...ever since then I've been mourning the person I never became. Soon I'll just finish off the body.

 

[netrezven]

I used to feel down. Cut them out, not completely. I'm in contact with them when it's about seeing the kids, not very often, but not because of me.
Few years ago i used to talk with my father. Till he started to evesdrop some info to my mother. And he is getting kind of old, so i don't wanna worry him anymore. No father will ever feel calm about his son's crime business, so i get it and i'm not involving him into this. I'm alone after all and it feels good being so independent even from someone elses opinion and advice. I got used to deal it all by myself without asking for help or advice.
They dont know about my disorders.
My mom know i cut her off as i was totally pissed of her messing with my things, my family and my basic respect and selfesteem.
Few months ago i was doing perfect, my life was getting better, and when she noticed this ,she tried everything to ruin it.
I have very good reasons to think that she was mad that me and my family are having kind of good time during this qurantine. We didnt care, never follwed the rules, went on vacation leaving all scared idiots away.
And she found a way to target me again. Not me directly as it wont work, but she used my daughter to abuse my wife and try to mess/ruin our relationship. My wife has normal parents and she still cant get used to this direct or indirect abuse.
I dont know, speaking to them feels like a nuke is going to explode, my wife feels the same around them.
I dont consider them my parents, deep inside of me. I dobt care hiw they rased me, they did what they could. Bu i cant forget what they did too me later, and not only them.
Now i know that this people are way beloow me in any possible way and if reminding them this will keep me safe, i dobt mind at all.

 

[LittleJem]

Dear RebelSue

I would say you must put your mental and emotional health first - and your family sound very toxic. Please put yourself first. If you are feeling better, then they are destructive to that - then step away from them. You are under no obligation to put yourself through this, and you should not do this to yourself. It's not healthy and you have to look after yourself.

Every child longs for a loving and supportive relationship with their parents, but not all of us get one. It's natural for us to want to make an effort to make this better - but sometimes our families and the way they treat us are so damaging, that we have to step away for our own wellbeing.

My grandma sounds like your family - she said to me she felt sorry for my husband, as people say my mother is mad, but I am even crazier. This comment was out the blue, after I'd spent a whole lunchtime with her making polite conversation and trying to spend quality time with her. When I asked her to apologise, she would not.

This started the worst year of my life, I was in so much pain from her comment, especially as I was already struggling with depression so hard, I could barely walk down the street. Also, because growing up with my mum was very tough, and I had no emotional support or acknowledgement of how hard it was, or what a good job I had done surviving and bringing myself up - from any of my family. So to be called names on top of that. None of my family supported me in trying to gain an apology from my grandma, they all said I could not expect one and that I was in the wrong for wanting one. It was extremely painful.

In the past year, since my husband and I separated, and I was bedridden with depression, my grandma did not call me once. She calls all her other grandchildren. I did call her at the beginning of lockdown, and though I hadn't meant to, I said to her, I nearly died last year, it would have been nice for you to call me. To which she said, I'm in my 90s and I only want to hear nice things. Then she hung up on me!

So really, frankly, after all these years of tolerating her rudeness and bulling (e.g. when I introduced her to my husband's parents, the first thing she said was "I don't know what he sees in her") I am absolutely done. I am not sure I am even attending her funeral. Because I need to look after my mental health now, it's been too rough and I am not doing this to myself anymore.

I have made big efforts with my parents, particularly my mother - so I do understand that urge to have a loving relationship with them, even if they are toxic. Saying that, I have had months off at a time when her behaviour has been particularly unpleasant and upsetting, so that can also be a choice - to take some healthy space for you. Many adults choose to break contact with their parents, if they are toxic, and everyone can make that choice for themselves.




I have personally made huge efforts with my mother - to love her, to go for coffee with her - and the fact is she called me the devil incarnate when I was a child, and was emotionally abusive and neglectful in many ways. She tried to destroy me. Yet still I love her - that is normal. I also make allowances for her mental illness.

However, recently, I am losing the interest in making this effort, as I have been so ill with suicidal thoughts and virtually bedridden for the past year. While my dad took me in (which was amazing, I'd never had much contact with him),I asked my mum if there would be a room in her house, and she did not offer one. This for me has been quite a final straw. I cannot make all this effort for someone who is not there in the most basic way for me, when I could have been homeless.

I know, coming from a bit of a rough family myself, how much we want to make things nice, normal, show love to our family. Hell, I bought my mum the kind of mother's day card she would love to receive in a fit of open-heartedness, then could not bring myself to send it. Because frankly, it was a lie, or definitely not the whole truth.

the fact is, we have to love ourselves first, and look after our health, and our families are not always good for us.

I want to say, none of this is your fault. You are so strong for surviving this, and you have got this. Do what's right for you and give yourself some healthy space. You don't need to live a lie or make nice. Draw a firm line in the sand.

Sending you as much love and support as I can send over the internet.

Jem

 

[rebelsue]

Dear RebelSue

I would say you must put your mental and emotional health first - and your family sound very toxic. Please put yourself first. If you are feeling better, then they are destructive to that - then step away from them. You are under no obligation to put yourself through this, and you should not do this to yourself. It's not healthy and you have to look after yourself.

Every child longs for a loving and supportive relationship with their parents, but not all of us get one. It's natural for us to want to make an effort to make this better - but sometimes our families and the way they treat us are so damaging, that we have to step away for our own wellbeing.

My grandma sounds like your family - she said to me she felt sorry for my husband, as people say my mother is mad, but I am even crazier. This comment was out the blue, after I'd spent a whole lunchtime with her making polite conversation and trying to spend quality time with her. When I asked her to apologise, she would not.

This started the worst year of my life, I was in so much pain from her comment, especially as I was already struggling with depression so hard, I could barely walk down the street. Also, because growing up with my mum was very tough, and I had no emotional support or acknowledgement of how hard it was, or what a good job I had done surviving and bringing myself up - from any of my family. So to be called names on top of that. None of my family supported me in trying to gain an apology from my grandma, they all said I could not expect one and that I was in the wrong for wanting one. It was extremely painful.

In the past year, since my husband and I separated, and I was bedridden with depression, my grandma did not call me once. She calls all her other grandchildren. I did call her at the beginning of lockdown, and though I hadn't meant to, I said to her, I nearly died last year, it would have been nice for you to call me. To which she said, I'm in my 90s and I only want to hear nice things. Then she hung up on me!

So really, frankly, after all these years of tolerating her rudeness and bulling (e.g. when I introduced her to my husband's parents, the first thing she said was "I don't know what he sees in her") I am absolutely done. I am not sure I am even attending her funeral. Because I need to look after my mental health now, it's been too rough and I am not doing this to myself anymore.

I have made big efforts with my parents, particularly my mother - so I do understand that urge to have a loving relationship with them, even if they are toxic. Saying that, I have had months off at a time when her behaviour has been particularly unpleasant and upsetting, so that can also be a choice - to take some healthy space for you. Many adults choose to break contact with their parents, if they are toxic, and everyone can make that choice for themselves.




I have personally made huge efforts with my mother - to love her, to go for coffee with her - and the fact is she called me the devil incarnate when I was a child, and was emotionally abusive and neglectful in many ways. She tried to destroy me. Yet still I love her - that is normal. I also make allowances for her mental illness.

However, recently, I am losing the interest in making this effort, as I have been so ill with suicidal thoughts and virtually bedridden for the past year. While my dad took me in (which was amazing, I'd never had much contact with him),I asked my mum if there would be a room in her house, and she did not offer one. This for me has been quite a final straw. I cannot make all this effort for someone who is not there in the most basic way for me, when I could have been homeless.

I know, coming from a bit of a rough family myself, how much we want to make things nice, normal, show love to our family. Hell, I bought my mum the kind of mother's day card she would love to receive in a fit of open-heartedness, then could not bring myself to send it. Because frankly, it was a lie, or definitely not the whole truth.

the fact is, we have to love ourselves first, and look after our health, and our families are not always good for us.

I want to say, none of this is your fault. You are so strong for surviving this, and you have got this. Do what's right for you and give yourself some healthy space. You don't need to live a lie or make nice. Draw a firm line in the sand.

Sending you as much love and support as I can send over the internet.

Jem

Holy shit the "I'm in my 90s I only want to hear nice things" comment is exactly the type of shit my mom says. I begged her to call me and help me when I was suicidal and she said essentially that she blocked my email and phone number because she wants to only hear nice things. I shit you not. These people use the same playbook I swear.

 

[LittleJem]

Holy shit the "I'm in my 90s I only want to hear nice things" comment is exactly the type of shit my mom says. I begged her to call me and help me when I was suicidal and she said essentially that she blocked my email and phone number because she wants to only hear nice things. I shit you not. These people use the same playbook I swear.

Indeed. I recently realised (I'm in my 40s) that abusive people and people with e.g. paranoia often say the same things to innocent children. There are some really good books out there which are helpful. E.g. There is one called 'Toxic Parents.' The books can be really helpful and supportive and give strategies for coping and setting healthy boundaries for you...worth a read