Advice for not being so hard on myself?

[VioletNight]

Wondering if anyone else struggles with this.

Whenever I mess something up, even if it's nothing too major, my first instinct is to degrade myself. Like call myself stupid or worthless, hit myself in the leg, etc.

Looking back on it after the fact I feel like it was an overreaction but in the moment I feel so horrible and useless. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop doing this?

 

[Enlighten]

Wondering if anyone else struggles with this.

Whenever I mess something up, even if it's nothing too major, my first instinct is to degrade myself. Like call myself stupid or worthless, hit myself in the leg, etc.

Looking back on it after the fact I feel like it was an overreaction but in the moment I feel so horrible and useless. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop doing this?

I have a tendency to do this myself. It's a coping mechanism: If you do it, nobody else can point it out anymore.
You have try to love yourself and be kind to yourself. Allow mistakes, as they give an opportunity to learn something and to grow as a person.

 

[Lydia12]

most persons are much worse (politicians, CEO's ........)

 

[leaf23]

Wondering if anyone else struggles with this.

Whenever I mess something up, even if it's nothing too major, my first instinct is to degrade myself. Like call myself stupid or worthless, hit myself in the leg, etc.

Looking back on it after the fact I feel like it was an overreaction but in the moment I feel so horrible and useless. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop doing this?

I'm told this: "If you can be kind to others, you can be kind to yourself." There's this sort of exercise that helps sometimes: I try to imagine that if whatever happened, what new thing I messed up, was done by another person, would I say the same things I've been saying to myself to them? Would I insult them and criticize someone else to that degree? I'm kind of horrified honestly most times because I see how harsh and critical I am to myself. I tell myself to calm down first because maybe I'm blowing things out of the proportion. It helps sometimes and I hope it can help you too.

 

[carac]

I am similar but I tend to get stressed and obssess over things that I mess up, it can just be a small thing but I just can't think of anything else and it's all I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up.
The main things I do to try and cope with this is first distraction, so I will try to do something that I can get lost in just so I can get a bit of respite, this is usually playing a video game or do some art. The other thing I find help is to just talk to somebody about it, get there perspective, explain what you are feeling, they will often tell you "don't worry" while in itself those words dont mean much it's nice to get your frustrations out and have somebody tell you it's not as bad as it is.

 

[moondazed]

Yeah, I'm the worst to myself sometimes. I've been told to ask myself this question when I'm self loathing: "Would I ever say anything like this to my friends? How would I talk to myself if I were my friend"

Being your own best friend is no easy task, and doesn't always work. It's a bit abstract and takes some mental gymnastics. But it's a good thing to just keep in the back of your mind and at the least it can mitigate the self hate to a lesser degree.

Hope you get to feeling better and more confident!

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Wondering if anyone else struggles with this.

Whenever I mess something up, even if it's nothing too major, my first instinct is to degrade myself. Like call myself stupid or worthless, hit myself in the leg, etc.

Looking back on it after the fact I feel like it was an overreaction but in the moment I feel so horrible and useless. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop doing this?

All of this. There is a part of me that is quite cruel to myself. I often fall into compulsive rumination of things I've done in the past - both recent and in the more distant past. This part has a really mean tone and uses language it wouldn't use towards anyone - "fat whore, stupid fuck". When I'm really dysregulated I'll say it aloud. I had coworkers think I was talking about them. When it's particularly bad it'll enter to self harm like hitting my head with my hand, or in extreme cases, against the wall or floor. Suicidal ideation is common then.

Currently I'm in a fairly good space and this self talk is pretty contained, but definitely present. Working on this is one of my biggest focuses in therapy. The modality that I've found to be the most helpful with this personally is Internal Family Systems (IFS). The basic idea of that system is that our mind is made up of various parts. It works to identify them and what burdened parts need. There is an interesting perspective of the internal relationships of these parts. (If you're interested to learn more about it, I highly recommend "No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwartz. PDFs are easily available.) Overall, I have found it a helpful framework to develop more self-compassion, reducing the intensity of this behavior.

Another aspect that has been a big part of working through this for me is learning more about my autism. Understandably this may not pertain to your situation, but I have found that working on unmasking has reduced this. (If interested, I recommend "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price.)

If one is inclined towards a Buddhist approach, I have found that practicing metta meditation has been helpful. It is a meditation technique that can be translated to loving kindness. The basic idea is cultivating a mood of loving kindness towards yourself. In more advanced practice, this is then extended to loved ones, people we're neutral to, and people we see as enemies.

It's said the most difficult is directing it towards yourself, so I personally just focus on that in this practice. It can be done it many ways. What I personally do is repeat the following affirmations.

(Note: For this I use plural pronoun with the idea of extending this to all of my internal parts, particularly the ones hurting the most and the mean critic.)

"May we be free from suffering. May we be at ease. May we be happy."

This can be done while doing sitting meditation, or in your mind in any situation. I have had a few times where I was having an internal crisis and this helped settle me down. My biggest times to use this is when in bed and trying to sleep when I'm restless.

I know this may not be for everyone. There are times when things like affirmations feel cheesy and like gaslighting yourself somehow. If interested, try it and see how it feels.

---
Some references:
About IFS
About metta meditation

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

Try to be objective. If you were a teacher or boss, how would you evaluate someone like yourself? Are the mistakes you make terribly detrimental or unfixable? If not, give yourself the chance to make up for it you think everyone deserves from authority figures. This is great not only for improving self esteem but also to stop yourself from becoming arrogant.

 

[LonelyPlanetBoy]

A lot of helpful things have already been said. I would say: try to imagine what you would say to a good friend in this position and say that to yourself. Another thing that helped me is too look back at the day in the evening and think about all the things that you did well and that you are proud of.

 

[tiger b]

Bananarama: It aint what you say, it's the way that you say it.

In my opinion, the quickest way to help is: change the tone of how you reprimand yourself, in your head. Soften it, make it silly. Throw in a little chuckle. Use Goofy's voice - it's hard taking things to heart that way!

Maybe you are admonishing yourself in a parental way. Those of us who had overbearing parents often suffer from this affliction. Perhaps be your own friend rather than your own patent, internally?

That'll take a lot out of the sting out of it, while you work on how to systemically berate yourself less and forgive yourself better. Sadly I find that still difficult. But at least the softer tonality makes me much less punishing of myself.

Hope this helps someone.

 

[todienomore]

write it all down to get it out of your head.

You can also look at it like someone else wrote it. Then ridicule it, think of reasons why its not true, counterexamples.