Help Addicted to benzos and alcohol plus suicidal (question)

[TheGoodGuy]

TLDR; I don´t see any reason to go through withdrawals just to kill myself after I suffer from a dozen physical and mental problems and even before I used these drugs I felt the same way I even have a video from April 2019 explaining my exact same reasons to want need to ctb so that is clear evidence that getting off these drugs wouldn´t change a thing I have several chronical illnesses that makes it impossible for me to live life so what is there to gain from going through horrible withdrawals when I am just going to ctb anyways?

Background:
So I have been suicidal since the end of age 13/early 14 I have also suffered from apathy and anhedonia that has gotten worse for the last 6 years but the addictions haven´t actually made it worse like some experience with benzos. I am 26 and at most I usually only got drunk 2-4 times a year only able to drink 5-6 beers before puking or passing out so I started self-medicating with benzos for my anxiety in December 2019 I think it was but started getting drunk once in a while (maybe 1-2 times every 2 weeks) the hangovers always affected me badly which scared me away. But a few months ago I started drinking several times a week.

To be honest my "life" hasn´t gotten particulary worse like before I started using benzos and alcohol I pretty much felt the same I didn´t play video games anymore because of apathy just like now and was just watching the same series while being on forums like I still do.

Question:
So my question is, is it really worth going through withdrawals and maybe months of tapering off benzos just for me to kill myself anyways because nothing changes other than I was extremely anxious before (generalized anxiety) and not I can keep that in check with benzos and the alcohol keeps my anger down which is why I started drinking to sedate me not as much for pleasure since it might made me feel 3-5% better "happiness" wise. It is actually my psychiatrist´s idea to get me off since they can´t treat people who are in addiction so the goal is to get me off benzos and alcohol to wait 1 month and get on SSRI to help with anxiety and as a person who thinks every week might be his last I can´t imagine having to go through all this shit just to kill myself anyways other than I could say I did it completely sober.

You probably don´t know or remember my problems but I got a dozen physical and mental problems several are chronical so there is no future for me I also have no friends and because of apathy and anhedonia I don´t enjoy anything other than the slight enjoyment of being drunk. I am asking you after months or weeks of thought maybe even a year because even before the drug use/abuse I was battling between staying alive just for the sake of staying alive despite I was able to see year after year my physical and mental problems got worse and still are getting worse, imagine it like so that I was put in a defect avatar the body doesn´t function as it should so keep keeping it alive to suffer in it for years or decades just for the sake of existing? I know it´s not allowed to encourage people on this site but maybe you could still help me find a conclusion to this answer e.g. outweight the pro´s and cons I could even write all my physical and mental problems and how severe they are.

Just a fitting song from my teenage years that also is very nostalgic to me
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[Quarky00]

I think we need to understand few things more clearly .

nothing changes other than I was extremely anxious before (generalized anxiety) and not I can keep that in check with benzos

This means extreme anxiety got some relief ?

alcohol keeps my anger down which is why I started drinking to sedate me

So you got relief for anger with alcohol

it might made me feel 3-5% better "happiness" wise

Alcohol gave you some mild/small pleasure (against anhedonia)

get me off benzos and alcohol to wait 1 month and get on SSRI to help with anxiety

So the plan is to treat you . You wrote you have several mental issues for more than 10 years -- have you been on SSRI , SNRI , NDRI , TCAs, or APs ? There are also psychiatric medications for withdrawal btw , both for benzo and alcohol , which makes it a lot easier . Was this considered ?

You're asking suicidal people if life is worth living ;) I think that if there is a chance of 5% relief then one should explore it . You also said that some of your ailments are chronic , which suggests some aren't , and may be treated or healed . So the picture is not that clear to me . Otherwise I'm personally not very positive regarding hope in general .. But I'm not sure that's the case

 

[TheGoodGuy]

This means extreme anxiety got some relief ?

Not just some but when I used benzos my generalized anxiety completely faded away I didn´t feel high or anything like that I just felt anxiety free.

So you got relief for anger with alcohol

Yes that is why I started drinking if I got angry it would calm me down.

Alcohol gave you some mild/small pleasure (against anhedonia)

It is so miniscule that it hardly counts, like a few years ago if I got drunk 1-2 times a year yes it helped with anhedonia but it wasn´t even that bad (the anhedonia) at that time so I could even play video games drunk and have fun doing so, now it makes me tolerate sitting through a movie and I guess keeps me busy doing something other than starring at a screen I will be drinking beer after beer while chainsmoking cigarettes (I only smoke when I am drink)

So the plan is to treat you . You wrote you have several mental issues for more than 10 years -- have you been on SSRI , SNRI , NDRI , TCAs, or APs ? There are also psychiatric medications for withdrawal btw , both for benzo and alcohol , which makes it a lot easier . Was this considered ?

Well since I was 16 (10 years ago) shrinks have tried pushing their SSRI´s on me I always refused because back then I smoked weed and I didn´t see how changing one relatively harmfull drug out with a harder drug (SSRI´s) would help me, it would just mask the problem not cure it.

Which drugs is there to help ease withdrawals from benzos because my shrink never mentioned it I even asked if I could start on the SSRI while tapering off benzos to help with anxiety but nope. I have to have been clean for 1 month and what I can understand it takes 3-4 weeks for SSRI`S to work so even after tapering off I will have to deal with anxiety for 2 month which I can´t phatom since I don´t even think I will be alive a week from now let alone several months I bet many suicidal people can agree on that I have felt like that since I first become suicidal in my early teen years because it really is impossible to think month ahead when you think about killing yourself all the time.

 

[Quarky00]

Sorry dude , can't sign your ctb form without trying SSRIs and shit

I am of course joking . Not signing anything nor pushing to try pills !! I tried to convey the argument in a funny manner : one should try all possibilities before ctb ( my personal view ). So I hope you're not offended .

Not just some but when I used benzos my generalized anxiety completely faded away I didn´t feel high or anything like that I just felt anxiety free.

That is very encouraging . It shows there is some "wiring in the brain" (I hate the biomedical view of humane psyche) that can make things better for you .

Yes that is why I started drinking if I got angry it would calm me down.

Again . Btw would benzos do that as well ?

drinking beer after beer while chainsmoking cigarettes (I only smoke when I am drink)

Yeah , alcohol sedative-relaxing , nicotine for arousal . You've basically tried to balance your state ... been there :)

I smoked weed and I didn´t see how changing one relatively harmfull drug out with a harder drug (SSRI´s) would help me, it would just mask the problem not cure it.

I'm not a proponent of shoving SSRIs to people , but since weed did not solve it , one may try a stronger medication . You have done so yourself with benzo and alcohol . You are trying options (to mask/calm the anxiety etc) . That said SSRI side effects are annoying , it affects slowly , and the journey for finding the right one (if there is one) is long . I share your position , and I think we'll find at least 100 members here saying similar things ;) But I'm adding that anyone in a dire situation who hasn't tried it should consider this option seriously (not necessarily take it) .

Which drugs is there to help ease withdrawals from benzos because my shrink never mentioned it I even asked if I could start on the SSRI while tapering off benzos to help with anxiety but nope.

Because doctors are assholes .
I mentioned medications mostly for alcohol withdrawal , but thinking about it again , you're not a heavy drinker .
There are no official benzo withdrawal medications , but long-duration benzos substitute short-duration ones so tapering is easier and calmer (less ups and downs) . Some SSRIs if they help underlying conditions (anxiety) help relief the withdrawal (but this does not treat addiction itself) . Pregabalin can reduce some symptoms . All these things need to be personally tailored to patient with (at least) weekly follow ups , to check you're not spiraling or handling side effects , preferably along with therapy -- and doctors just don't want to do that (can't do that: healthcare system limits)

 

[Aap]

Benzo and alcohol withdrawl should not be attempted without medical supervision.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Sorry dude , can't sign your ctb form without trying SSRIs and shit

I am of course joking . Not signing anything nor pushing to try pills !! I tried to convey the argument in a funny manner : one should try all possibilities before ctb ( my personal view ). So I hope you're not offended .

I don´t want a pill to rely on keeping myself alive while not being able to fully live, then I should just have kept smoking weed to cope.

That is very encouraging . It shows there is some "wiring in the brain" (I hate the biomedical view of humane psyche) that can make things better for you .

Why do you hate it? And yes it´s very encouraging as you might already know benzos affect the GABA receptors in the brain slowing down the actions of neurotransmitters to make you less anxious.

Again . Btw would benzos do that as well ?

Benzos never affected my anger but I also never used a large dose to get high like many people do I just use the right dose to feel well i.e. anxiety free.

Yeah , alcohol sedative-relaxing , nicotine for arousal . You've basically tried to balance your state ... been there :)

I can´t drink anymore without smoking cigarettes it´s just too damn boring and the synergy between the two are great. Btw I will just point out I am a hypocrite about this since I hate cigarettes but still smoke them when drunk.

I'm not a proponent of shoving SSRIs to people , but since weed did not solve it , one may try a stronger medication . You have done so yourself with benzo and alcohol . You are trying options (to mask/calm the anxiety etc) . That said SSRI side effects are annoying , it affects slowly , and the journey for finding the right one (if there is one) is long . I share your position , and I think we'll find at least 100 members here saying similar things ;) But I'm adding that anyone in a dire situation who hasn't tried it should consider this option seriously (not necessarily take it)

Yes I have seen countless threads not only on this forum but many others about SSRI´s (selective serotonine reuptake inhibitor) so it´s not like I don´t know nothing about the drugs but it´s pretty rare to see anyone saying it helped them and even if so, as you said they usually have tried many different kinds to find the right one if they were as lucky and they are not easy to get off either.

Because doctors are assholes .
I mentioned medications mostly for alcohol withdrawal , but thinking about it again , you're not a heavy drinker .
There are no official benzo withdrawal medications , but long-duration benzos substitute short-duration ones so tapering is easier and calmer (less ups and downs) . Some SSRIs if they help underlying conditions (anxiety) help relief the withdrawal (but this does not treat addiction itself) . Pregabalin can reduce some symptoms . All these things need to be personally tailored to patient with (at least) weekly follow ups , to check you're not spiraling or handling side effects , preferably along with therapy -- and doctors just don't want to do that (can't do that: healthcare system limits)

I am sorry to admit that I am starting to see that I might be a more heavier drinker than recently thought I am drinking right now btw because I got anxiety and my palms starting to sweat so I guess I am physically addicted to alcohol by now but yeah I am nowhere near the real strong alcoholics that drinks every day and drink insane amounts right now I drink several times a week but not every day at most I can take two days without and I usually drink 13-14 beers.

Benzo and alcohol withdrawl should not be attempted without medical supervision.

I know and I won´t especially since I am using both, there are forums to help with quitting these drugs which I think is very helpfull individually but since both benzos and alcohol affects GABA receptors I think it´s better to talk with an "expert"

It´s actually too bad I can´t ask my dad for help since he used to be an addict to illegal drugs and alcoholic before I was even born so I have never seen him taking so much as a sip of alcohol he is like 26 years old clean in a week and he used to be a counselor for 8 years for people in addiction so he would be the perfect guy to help me but I can´t ask him.

 

[Aap]

If you want to have your mind clear and decide with a sober head whether ctb is for you, then I salute you. Just know the problems you haven't been dealing with will rear their heads. I'll also refer to my previous post. Forums are great, but an addiction trained doctor is invaluable.

just be sure you know why you want to get sober.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

If you want to have your mind clear and decide with a sober head whether ctb is for you, then I salute you. Just know the problems you haven't been dealing with will rear their heads. I'll also refer to my previous post. Forums are great, but an addiction trained doctor is invaluable.

just be sure you know why you want to get sober.

Objectively it just doesn´t make sense to go through all that suffering just to say "I´m clean it´s my rational choice) when I do in fact have a video from April 2019 a time when I didn´t even use any drugs.

 

[Aap]

Only you can answer the question. I can tell you drugs work great for masking problems until they don't. If you want to take a shot at life, it's a can that be kicked only for so long, and they will skew your thinking for the entirety of the journey. But, like I said, only you know your reasons and hopes.

someone once said to a crying child who had lost her dog: Crying won't bring your dog back unless your tears taste like dog food. So, you can either sit their crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears taste like dog food, or you can go out there and find him.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Only you can answer the question. I can tell you drugs work great for masking problems until they don't. If you want to take a shot at life, it's a can that be kicked only for so long, and they will skew your thinking for the entirety of the journey. But, like I said, only you know your reasons and hopes.

someone once said to a crying child who had lost her dog: Crying won't bring your dog back unless your tears taste like dog food. So, you can either sit their crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears taste like dog food, or you can go out there and find him.

I am just asking because I have been struggling with these same questions for 2 years and I can´t come to a conclusion I know the rational thing would be to end it since even if I was able to cure the worst problems adult life isn´t for me, adulthood isn´t for me I just posted this message below on another forum half an hour ago.

"Mentally I can never grow up and never won´t to, if adult life is only about spending your whole life on working a job you don´t care for just to survive and all the other responsibilities I would rather die, life and I mean real LIFE is childhood and teenage years where you truly live a fun and exciting life, every day can bring something new adulthood is nothing like that. Mentally I died when I became an adult now my body just needs to die too I haven´t lived life in 9 years."

 

[Aap]

Or perhaps the rational thing to do would be to get sober and identify exactly what it is you miss and why you can't have it in adulthood? I have no answers my friend. It seems being trapped in purgatory isn't where you want to be.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I think the same as OP
Why bother when I really obviously willnever be happy, will never get over my issues, and certainly will never change my mind regarding the fact that I need to die.
I attempted withdrawal this week, after some 36 - 48 hours of sweating, shaking and vomiting, being in so much pain I was hitting the ground with my fists, I decided getting sober is pointless. The only thing I hoped for these 2 days was dying from withdrawal, but turns out its diffcult af and I have more chance of being in debilitating pain instead
Fuck my life that got to the point where I cant manage my emotions at all when Im not high or drunk

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Or perhaps the rational thing to do would be to get sober and identify exactly what it is you miss and why you can't have it in adulthood?

I did exact that in great detail in the 40 minute video I was talking about from April 2019 and back then I had never tried benzos and rarely got drunk and I even watched the entire video a few weeks ago and as I said in the video my problems physical and mental only gets worse by each passing year but I have known this for years but the point is the video is sober me from over a year ago talking rationally and in great details about why I have to ctb it´s also one of the goodbye/explanation videos to my parents when I am gone. I am so glad that I have that video along with some even older ones from 2018 so my parents can see that me being suicidal has been going on for a long time without them knowing about it and how I describe each of my problems in great detail might give them some understanding.

So with that in mind you can clearly see that nothing has changed for the better so I guess I really don´t need to get off these drugs to think it through since I already did it back then and benzos don´t make me high it just takes my anxiety away and I won´t be drunk while ctb.

I think the same as OP
Why bother when I really obviously willnever be happy, will never get over my issues, and certainly will never change my mind regarding the fact that I need to die.
I attempted withdrawal this week, after some 36 - 48 hours of sweating, shaking and vomiting, being in so much pain I was hitting the ground with my fists, I decided getting sober is pointless. The only thing I hoped for these 2 days was dying from withdrawal, but turns out its diffcult af and I have more chance of being in debilitating pain instead
Fuck my life that got to the point where I cant manage my emotions at all when Im not high or drunk

Sounds exactly like me why bother getting through horrible and even painfull withdrawals just to keep suffer from all our other problems? It´s illogical and dare I say stupid especially if we are going to ctb soon anyways then there are no need to burden ourselves with more suffering.

And I also know I will NEVER be happy again even if my problems was to be taken away I would never feel the true happiness like I did as a child like playing outside in the summer with friends using sticks, climbing trees, watching cartoons or when you woke up to see a snow covered landscape that feeling was so amazing. Even if I could magically recover from suicidal thoughts and my other problems why would I settle for a life that is maybe 35-40% good when I used to experience 100% of that happiness and excitement to me it´s illogical to settle for less it´s like have lived in heaven and then get kicked out to live on Earth I even made a graph a few months ago that describes my happiness/excitement throughout my life.

 

[Pan]

Fantastic graph; clearly, you've put a great deal of thought into this.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Fantastic graph; clearly, you've put a great deal of thought into this.

Thanks, and yes I have.