Walpurgisnacht
Lavender
- Feb 25, 2023
- 131
I feel like my brain is melting. Every day thinking gets harder, I have such bad brain-fog I can't even think how to write properly when posting here.
I used to be decently intelligent, I used to have a sharp reactive mind, I used to be creative and driven, I used to be able to communicate well. I can't even keep a train of thought going anymore...
Where has it all gone? I was not like this last year.
I have psychotic episodes more often than ever before now, my speech is word salad so often. There's no history of schizophrenia in my family that I know of, only thing I can think of causing this is my excessive drug and alcohol use since childhood. I hate it.. I feel like I'm trapped behind a wall of fog isolating me from my surroundings. It's terrifying.
I want to believe this can go away, I am so desperate... I've spent the last two months stuck in one small room and now I can't even perceive the depth of things outside it anymore.
I'm so scared that this is permanent. I don't know what I'm saying, I'm sorry.
Can I recover from this? Is it even possible, or is my mind truly ruined? I can't tell... I don't want to be put on anti-psychotics, I'm terrified of developing schizophrenia.
My friend told me staying in the same room for too long is bad for your mind and can worsen psychotic symptoms, on Saturday I'm finally leaving this hellhole for a week or two to stay with someone. I will be using no drugs or alcohol and I will be going outside often, I won't be isolated, and I'll be living with someone I trust in an area that's safe. I'm hoping that over there I don't experience this sort of barrier, and I'm hoping I have no psychotic episodes. I'm really hoping being in a different and safer environment and detoxing from drugs helps my neurological health. I don't know if it will, but, if it keeps getting worse even after that I think I will start preparing to CTB because I cannot take a lifetime of... this.
I have no idea if things like this are reversible, if I've caught it in time or if I just have permanent brain damage now.
SaSu, does this post I've written even make sense or is it just word salad too? I don't even notice it until afterwards, I've completely lost confidence in my ability to recognise when I'm sane.
I used to be decently intelligent, I used to have a sharp reactive mind, I used to be creative and driven, I used to be able to communicate well. I can't even keep a train of thought going anymore...
Where has it all gone? I was not like this last year.
I have psychotic episodes more often than ever before now, my speech is word salad so often. There's no history of schizophrenia in my family that I know of, only thing I can think of causing this is my excessive drug and alcohol use since childhood. I hate it.. I feel like I'm trapped behind a wall of fog isolating me from my surroundings. It's terrifying.
I want to believe this can go away, I am so desperate... I've spent the last two months stuck in one small room and now I can't even perceive the depth of things outside it anymore.
I'm so scared that this is permanent. I don't know what I'm saying, I'm sorry.
Can I recover from this? Is it even possible, or is my mind truly ruined? I can't tell... I don't want to be put on anti-psychotics, I'm terrified of developing schizophrenia.
My friend told me staying in the same room for too long is bad for your mind and can worsen psychotic symptoms, on Saturday I'm finally leaving this hellhole for a week or two to stay with someone. I will be using no drugs or alcohol and I will be going outside often, I won't be isolated, and I'll be living with someone I trust in an area that's safe. I'm hoping that over there I don't experience this sort of barrier, and I'm hoping I have no psychotic episodes. I'm really hoping being in a different and safer environment and detoxing from drugs helps my neurological health. I don't know if it will, but, if it keeps getting worse even after that I think I will start preparing to CTB because I cannot take a lifetime of... this.
I have no idea if things like this are reversible, if I've caught it in time or if I just have permanent brain damage now.
SaSu, does this post I've written even make sense or is it just word salad too? I don't even notice it until afterwards, I've completely lost confidence in my ability to recognise when I'm sane.